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Eryka

For those thinking of suicide

Almost any way a person writes on this topic is going to sound overly righteous and "I suffer more than anyone". However, we can (or should) only talk based off of our own experiences. So this is a conflict of interests. I will attempt to tell my story with as little woe is me-ness as possible.

My acne started when I was around 8 but it wasn't major. However by the time I was 11 it was a different story. I'm 22 now and still dealing with it. Hopefully I will grow out of it however, (sighs) I don't want to put out false hope.

Suicide and other forms of violence is something I'm well equated with. While I wouldn't say acne was the direct cause of these choices, it was a major nail in the coffin, so to speak.

At 15 I was in a very abusive relationship where physical, emotional, and psychological trauma were very vivid. (Some at this point would be asking about my parents and I can safely say that my step father didn't rate me important enough to consider a conversation and while my mother loves me dearly, she knew that if she forced laws upon the situation I would've run away and probably never come back, making things worse. I take full responsibility for my actions. End of argument.)

By 16 I was addicted to narcotics and taking them daily to escape both physical and emotional pain. I dropped out of school at 10th grade and moved around probably 6 times in two years. Attempted suicide 2 times by way of overdosing and wrist slitting.

End of my 17th year I ended the first abusive relationship and started to get harassed by my ex daily. Became more withdrawn and started abusing heavier drugs. At 18 I was raped for the second time and began my trip with illegal drugs and massive amounts of alcohol. From the time I was 18 until 21 I was dating a drug dealer who was related by blood to the biggest family run gang in southern California. At the end of my 21st year I had been using heroin for almost 11 months combined with the following: Vicodin, Soma, Dillauded, Xanax, Robaxin, Ms Contin, Oxy Contin, Parafon Forte, Valium, Demmoral, Dillantin, ect.

In February of last year I attempted suicide again for the 5th time by cutting the cartoid (neck) artery, radial (wrist) artery, femoral (inner thigh) artery, and brachial (under the shoulder) artery. I did this while taking all of the above mentioned drugs along with vodka and tequila. Ironically, the only reason I survived was that with all the drugs I was on my blood became ultra thick and my heart was beating at only 12 beats a minute. It simply didn't have enough power to pump out ultra coagulated (thick) blood.

So, long story short I do understand where others are coming from. Granted everything I just wrote above eclipses acne issues however, I feel that if I hadn't had acne as bad as I did, my self confidence would've been better and I wouldn't have felt the need to de-value myself in these situations.

I still sometimes don't know if I've made it out all right. Many would say I have and a lot of times I would agree with them. I'm off all of the drugs, which I quit cold turkey with no added prescriptions to ease me down. I drink way way less and I'm no longer thinking of suicide anytime soon, (barring discovering some terminal disease, but that's a VERY different discussion.)

However there's a lot that goes on behind the scenes. Because of my relationships with lovers, my parents, myself, others I have a lot of anger and rage. Sometimes I can stay rational and tell myself it's over and I have a different life. Sometimes I can't. I often wonder how people can stand to be around me when I want to claw out of my own skin more often than I can count. Also there's a lot of physical side effects that very few know. During my younger (15ish) days I had to have an abortion which almost lead to uterus and ovarian cancer. That abortion has more or less re-arranged my insides as a woman and now many things are no longer possible for me. I do not denounce abortion, on the contrary. It can be a wonderful solution to some truly horrible nightmares. Just make sure you know all the facts and consequences.

Finally, acne is horrible, without question. Being a teenager no matter what sex or race is a complete bitch. And sometimes people go out of their way to be cruel to those whom deserve it least, absolutely. However being young doesn't last forever. You will be an adult much longer than you will be a teenager/child. Also, even though over a million or so people have acne, there are several billion who don't. Odds are you're going to grow out of it or at least be able to control it some. What I hated about acne was the feeling of helplessness. So, some of my advice is to do something where it puts you in charge, maybe getting a part time job, putting together a project, even a band. Music is my absolute love and I wouldn't trade it for anything, maybe it will be the same for someone else.

The best revenge is a fully lived life,

Eryka

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I'm not persuaded.

They try an pump me full of anti-depressents to get me to stop thinking

of suicide, or tell me how everyone will miss me and it'll be a horrid gap

in their life if I ever did that......................I still can't shake it. I don't care

how anyone else feels anymore, I'm miserable. Eventually I'll be miserable

enough and have the willpower to just throw in the towel, but right now

it's not working out :cry:

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Wow..heavy story there Eryca... Personally I can't relate to this subject, never had any suicide thoughts. But I do think it's a good thing that you posted your story for other people.

@ Effendi: what is triggering your suicide thoughts? Why do you feel miserable?

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I'm not persuaded.

They try an pump me full of anti-depressents to get me to stop thinking

of suicide, or tell me how everyone will miss me and it'll be a horrid gap

in their life if I ever did that......................I still can't shake it. I don't care

how anyone else feels anymore, I'm miserable. Eventually I'll be miserable

enough and have the willpower to just throw in the towel, but right now

it's not working out :cry:

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sigh. this is so hard to type because for the first time in my life things are very very clear. I've been mentally ill since i was 7, and planned my own suicide at that age. that is correct. you read that right.

i have an extremely complex diagnosis including OCD, ADD, BDD, severe anxiety, post traumatic stress (which i think is bullshit as i've never been raped etc but they say that having a mental illness at a young age actually creates the stress that leads to post traumatic stress as you're young and forced to cope in a very bad world very quickly) add to that i have bipolar disorder but its not typical so its difficult to treat.

about every 3 weeks or so i usually attempt suicide. its something i can feel coming on and i can't stop. I don't know why anyore, there are always reasons i can ALWAYS think of reasons. I have definetly used acne in the past but i'm clear and i'm still going through this.

will i ever be well? no. that is a given but i am gunning for 80% quality of life and i think i can do it.

i'm not sure exactly what keeps me going sometimes but its the little things in life, the silly things in life that do.

my boyfriend asked me the other day (we're trying to save money) why i always order an appetizer and i just smiled and said...its the little extra things that make all the other shit seem like its okay sometimes because at least i can have the little things.

focus on that.

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sigh. this is so hard to type because for the first time in my life things are very very clear. I've been mentally ill since i was 7, and planned my own suicide at that age. that is correct. you read that right.

i have an extremely complex diagnosis including OCD, ADD, BDD, severe anxiety, post traumatic stress (which i think is bullshit as i've never been raped etc but they say that having a mental illness at a young age actually creates the stress that leads to post traumatic stress as you're young and forced to cope in a very bad world very quickly) add to that i have bipolar disorder but its not typical so its difficult to treat.

about every 3 weeks or so i usually attempt suicide. its something i can feel coming on and i can't stop. I don't know why anyore, there are always reasons i can ALWAYS think of reasons. I have definetly used acne in the past but i'm clear and i'm still going through this.

will i ever be well? no. that is a given but i am gunning for 80% quality of life and i think i can do it.

i'm not sure exactly what keeps me going sometimes but its the little things in life, the silly things in life that do.

my boyfriend asked me the other day (we're trying to save money) why i always order an appetizer and i just smiled and said...its the little extra things that make all the other shit seem like its okay sometimes because at least i can have the little things.

focus on that.

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What's really amazing is how someone who attempts suicide every three weeks is still alive.

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I don't get that either, you must not know how to commit suicide properly ( which is a good thing ) it can be very easy and I have read up on alot of ways how to do so myself * trying to find the easiest way * but everything I read there's always something that stops me from doing so PAIN I really hate pain and I really hate blood, I mean of course there's more silent ways to go but still something can always go wrong. And what if you survive and you are worse off then you were before. You have to do it right the first time or not do it at all. And a good thing for me is I'm a bit of a chicken so that has saved me from doing something stupid.

Every 3 weeks? you need to get some help asap...are they failed attempts or you just chicken out? do you get seriously hurt? or is it just preperation then you back out? I'm interested in what attempt means for you.

I've only been at the stage of thinking about it...reading about it, planning the best way to do it, I've never actually properly tried to. I've told my b/f I was going to so I have actually told people I might. But then before I let my mind take over, I look at photos of my family and read how it will affect them, it's too cruel to do that to people.

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Wow.. Well, I will say that it's much harder to die than I had previously thought. If it wasn't for the pain/I don't want them to find me like that factor.. There'd be many more successful attempts.

I would like someone to elaborate on how painkillers and alcohol thicken blood though...? :think:

At the end of my 21st year I had been using heroin for almost 11 months combined with the following: Vicodin, Soma, Dillauded, Xanax, Robaxin, Ms Contin, Oxy Contin, Parafon Forte, Valium, Demmoral, Dillantin, ect.

In February of last year I attempted suicide again for the 5th time by cutting the cartoid (neck) artery, radial (wrist) artery, femoral (inner thigh) artery, and brachial (under the shoulder) artery. I did this while taking all of the above mentioned drugs along with vodka and tequila. Ironically, the only reason I survived was that with all the drugs I was on my blood became ultra thick

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Well, one of my good friends who I had not seen around for a year or so during our first year of college told people he was going to Niagara Falls with friends for the weekend. He checked into little motel the next city over by himself. Paid for his room upfront, Put a do not disturb sign on the door knob, yanked out the telephone cord, typed a suicide note, left it neatly folded on the desk and then killed himself by asphyxiation with a plastic bag over the head and pills/alcohol. Never mentioned depression or suicide once, to anyone...family, friends...it was really eery how organized and well thought out everything was. Very sad too.

I feel that for those who really want to kill themselves, they usually do it without saying anything because they do not want to be coaxed or stopped, so take the proper measures where no one will be able to interfere.

Not to say that others are not serious about it but I think sometimes they subconsciously make decisions in the process that allow them to be stopped or saved etc. The human body's instinct is survival, so your body will fight you to the end.

Suicide is serious though and I don't think anyone who threatens to do it or talks about it should be taken lightly. Nothing is worth dying over. As the above poster mentioned, what's worse is that you could end up with brain damage and a semi vegetative state for the rest of your life or if you go guts and glory, think about the people who find you and what impact that will have on their lives and psyche not to mention your family and friends. Not worth it at all.

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I feel that for those who really want to kill themselves, they usually do it without saying anything because they do not want to be coaxed or stopped, so take the proper measures where no one will be able to interferer.

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I feel that for those who really want to kill themselves, they usually do it without saying anything because they do not want to be coaxed or stopped, so take the proper measures where no one will be able to interferer.

True people who are serious don't tell people at all because they really want it and don't want anyone to stop them like you said. For me I mean it but I don't, I don't really want to die at all but you come to a point of complete hopeless from things you can't control and you just want out anyway possible. For me it's a sign of depression has overcome me and got the better of me in that moment and It feels like its not worth fighting it. It's a selfish thing to tell someone you might be considering it even like I did to my b/f but It's a way to reach out for help. I haven't had these thoughts much lately.

"Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain."

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effendil maybe if you stopped treating your life like your fighting suicide it will stop being an issue, id est stop confronting the issue and its remiss will be a self-fulfilling prophesy

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to try to explain it furthur:

i think you may be maintaining your suicidal tendencies by continually actively treating it.

I know im sick, probably severly bipolar, but i wont take medication for some unexplainable self-righteaous reason (i do have a therapist though i see occationally) and in a way i think it may explain why my condition has never gone beyond my control

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Suicide is just a choice... It depends on the person.

A lot of people can put up with life, while others cower at just the thought.

Not everyone can survive in this worlds of ours... I don't blame anyone for wanting to commit suicide, and I don't stop them from doing it.

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to try to explain it furthur:

i think you may be maintaining your suicidal tendencies by continually actively treating it.

I know im sick, probably severly bipolar, but i wont take medication for some unexplainable self-righteaous reason (i do have a therapist though i see occationally) and in a way i think it may explain why my condition has never gone beyond my control

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I don't get that either, you must not know how to commit suicide properly ( which is a good thing ) it can be very easy and I have read up on alot of ways how to do so myself * trying to find the easiest way * but everything I read there's always something that stops me from doing so PAIN I really hate pain and I really hate blood, I mean of course there's more silent ways to go but still something can always go wrong. And what if you survive and you are worse off then you were before. You have to do it right the first time or not do it at all. And a good thing for me is I'm a bit of a chicken so that has saved me from doing something stupid.

Every 3 weeks? you need to get some help asap...are they failed attempts or you just chicken out? do you get seriously hurt? or is it just preperation then you back out? I'm interested in what attempt means for you.

I've only been at the stage of thinking about it...reading about it, planning the best way to do it, I've never actually properly tried to. I've told my b/f I was going to so I have actually told people I might. But then before I let my mind take over, I look at photos of my family and read how it will affect them, it's too cruel to do that to people.

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I respect and understand that everyone is at different points in their lives, however nothing is EVER worth killing yourself over. Tomorrow will always go on with or without you, don't you want to stick it out and see what could be. There is a LOT of happiness in this world that is yours for the taking. The reason for the unhappiness in a suicidal person's life though probably has something to do with their family history, their environment, and a will power to get better. Growth does not occur without challenge. It all depends on your view of life. I have been through some really tough times the last 2 years with acne, I helped a guy in a serious car accident, 3 of my close relatives died (1 suicide) my Dad went to rehab for Oxy Contin, and I come from a pretty "normal" middle-class lifestyle. Now, I am in Graduate school for Social Work, and I really want to make a difference in others lives. My good friend in the Social Work program was addicted to pretty much all substances from 15-21. She's 25 now, working with other teenagers that are also having difficulties. You WILL make it through. It might not be tomorrow, but with a good attitude and God, tomorrow will be better. Bad things will happen to you, but you get to control how much they affect you. My cousin killed herself a year and a half ago, a few weeks after Christmas. She was 15 years old, and no one had a clue that she was so upset with her life. Suicide will have a big place in my heart because it is so worthless. We are all people, therefore we all have the same opportunity to be happy. Yes many many people might have it easier than you, but happiness cannot be bought. I also know that many of my good friends who seem to have it all and are completely normal, have had suicidal thoughts. Have faith in God and tomorrow that things will be better. Also, tell someone-- don't suffer alone, and strive to get better!

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I respect and understand that everyone is at different points in their lives, however nothing is EVER worth killing yourself over. Tomorrow will always go on with or without you, don't you want to stick it out and see what could be. There is a LOT of happiness in this world that is yours for the taking. The reason for the unhappiness in a suicidal person's life though probably has something to do with their family history, their environment, and a will power to get better. Growth does not occur without challenge. It all depends on your view of life. I have been through some really tough times the last 2 years with acne, I helped a guy in a serious car accident, 3 of my close relatives died (1 suicide) my Dad went to rehab for Oxy Contin, and I come from a pretty "normal" middle-class lifestyle. Now, I am in Graduate school for Social Work, and I really want to make a difference in others lives. My good friend in the Social Work program was addicted to pretty much all substances from 15-21. She's 25 now, working with other teenagers that are also having difficulties. You WILL make it through. It might not be tomorrow, but with a good attitude and God, tomorrow will be better. Bad things will happen to you, but you get to control how much they affect you. My cousin killed herself a year and a half ago, a few weeks after Christmas. She was 15 years old, and no one had a clue that she was so upset with her life. Suicide will have a big place in my heart because it is so worthless. We are all people, therefore we all have the same opportunity to be happy. Yes many many people might have it easier than you, but happiness cannot be bought. I also know that many of my good friends who seem to have it all and are completely normal, have had suicidal thoughts. Have faith in God and tomorrow that things will be better. Also, tell someone-- don't suffer alone, and strive to get better!

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I by no means think that it takes just saying to someone, "Things will get better," I was just stating the fact that things really will get better. For some people they are just at a difficult point in their lives, for other they are in a long-term mental crisis. I understand that it takes a long time to achieve full health with a mentally ill person, but that happens on a case-by-case basis. I don't know everyone's individual cases, and therefore was just putting it out there that things will get better. That might seem like not enough to some, but at some point how much can you express and say to strangers over the internet. My uncle also passed away from overdosing on pills, and his family has a long history of anxiety and depression. He was in and out of hospitals and many people tried to help him, but it is really up to the person to accept and want help.

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I respect and understand that everyone is at different points in their lives, however nothing is EVER worth killing yourself over. Tomorrow will always go on with or without you, don't you want to stick it out and see what could be. There is a LOT of happiness in this world that is yours for the taking. The reason for the unhappiness in a suicidal person's life though probably has something to do with their family history, their environment, and a will power to get better. Growth does not occur without challenge. It all depends on your view of life. I have been through some really tough times the last 2 years with acne, I helped a guy in a serious car accident, 3 of my close relatives died (1 suicide) my Dad went to rehab for Oxy Contin, and I come from a pretty "normal" middle-class lifestyle. Now, I am in Graduate school for Social Work, and I really want to make a difference in others lives. My good friend in the Social Work program was addicted to pretty much all substances from 15-21. She's 25 now, working with other teenagers that are also having difficulties. You WILL make it through. It might not be tomorrow, but with a good attitude and God, tomorrow will be better. Bad things will happen to you, but you get to control how much they affect you. My cousin killed herself a year and a half ago, a few weeks after Christmas. She was 15 years old, and no one had a clue that she was so upset with her life. Suicide will have a big place in my heart because it is so worthless. We are all people, therefore we all have the same opportunity to be happy. Yes many many people might have it easier than you, but happiness cannot be bought. I also know that many of my good friends who seem to have it all and are completely normal, have had suicidal thoughts. Have faith in God and tomorrow that things will be better. Also, tell someone-- don't suffer alone, and strive to get better!

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Wow.. Well, I will say that it's much harder to die than I had previously thought. If it wasn't for the pain/I don't want them to find me like that factor.. There'd be many more successful attempts.

I would like someone to elaborate on how painkillers and alcohol thicken blood though...? :think:

At the end of my 21st year I had been using heroin for almost 11 months combined with the following: Vicodin, Soma, Dillauded, Xanax, Robaxin, Ms Contin, Oxy Contin, Parafon Forte, Valium, Demmoral, Dillantin, ect.

In February of last year I attempted suicide again for the 5th time by cutting the cartoid (neck) artery, radial (wrist) artery, femoral (inner thigh) artery, and brachial (under the shoulder) artery. I did this while taking all of the above mentioned drugs along with vodka and tequila. Ironically, the only reason I survived was that with all the drugs I was on my blood became ultra thick

Well, I'm always bored, & I'll be off work awhile longer while I'm being treated for a bulging disc.. If anyone is feeling suicidal and needs to talk to someone feel free to drop me a PM.

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Thank you, I had never heard of that, & I appreciate the reply.

...It's good that we're all still here to talk! ;)

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i dnt expect to understand the stuff that others have been through, cause no one but ourselfs can really know the extent of how our problems in life effect us but id just like to say a few things:

Drowning Ophelia, dnt set your goals at just 80% happiness, set them at 100% or 120% even though i know it may be hard. If that is you in your avatar then your very good looking and still young. weather you think that you r good looking or not n are happy with your self of not is another issue.

If you are happy with yourself, then im guessing that there is something else in life that is bothering you, because even if you have those disorders im pretty sure that deep down there is something backing them up, n i know that its not just a state of mind and that the disorder is real (or at least thats what docs say) but even if it is there must be something backing it up. Pinpoint that issue. Nowadays, personally i think that 80% of ppl over the age of 18 are stressed and i dunno why it has become something that is accepted and almost normal, stress from work, exams, relationships, friends, home, looks, illnesses, deadlines, it just goes on n on. The most important thing is how to deal with it.

Personally iv adopted an 'i dnt give a shit' mentality n its going great so far, in a scence that if i have a deadline then it there nothing to do about it no use worrying, try your best, if you dnt manage then fuck it, but on the whole i get things done.

Anyways my main point is that if you r happy with yours self physically as a person, than thats a good step. If a person can accept themselfs than thats great. Other than that most problems that are external can be dealt with in one way or another.

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