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Vintage Modernity

sad story - i'm hurt please don't be mean to me about it

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Maybe hes not ready to settle down? or a mid-life crisis? (they can come early)

Just make sure he knows exactly how serious you are about him. Have you seen him since he left? Try to find him in person I think it would mean alot

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you know, what i find really hard is that he thought taht moving in with me from his roommates was too life changing. fthe hard part in here for me is that i too moved froma house full of people to living on my own, putting my feelings aside of wanting to build a hhome for both of us to having to wait. its steppingon your pride every time he stays there and not here. he has the best of all worlds, living in community and having a home with his girl.

i feel lonely tonight. do you think that in two months he should have had plenty of time to "ease into it" as he called it? is it selfish of him? i guess that's why i am going to start counseling starting thursday. this is hrad for me.

Change can be really scary if you have depression/anxiety. I know lately i'm very aprehensive about jumping into things because i HAVE done that in the past and then due to my illness have had to backpeddle and wound up hurting the person i love, don't think of it as him not moving fast enough but rather that he loves you so much he wants to be sure that when you both are together it will last a full lifetime.

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Hi Tanya, I just had to check back (holding my breath!) & see how things were going for you. I'm so glad that he finally got back in touch with you, and just as glad that you are seeking counseling. I'd feel scared too after that experience; it may take some time for you to feel completely comfortable again. And he needs to understand how it felt for you to watch a loved one walk out and not have a clue what's going on, and learn to handle it better if he ever feels that way again.

Best of luck to you both, and you'll still be in our prayers!

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hey tan44

personally, as weird as this sounds, but him walking out on you, i don't think it has nothing to do with you. as you said, he's been diagnosed with depression, i don't think he's himself at the moment. i believe he loves you but he needs to cure his depression first, because i've been through it and still going through it and it's like a never ending roller coaster. you're fine for weeks, months... then it hits you and you start pushing people away for no complete reason, distancing yourself from loved ones, it's like you're in a trance.

good luck with everything, i hope he overcomes so this won't be in the problem in y'alls future.

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hey tan44

personally, as weird as this sounds, but him walking out on you, i don't think it has nothing to do with you. as you said, he's been diagnosed with depression, i don't think he's himself at the moment. i believe he loves you but he needs to cure his depression first, because i've been through it and still going through it and it's like a never ending roller coaster. you're fine for weeks, months... then it hits you and you start pushing people away for no complete reason, distancing yourself from loved ones, it's like you're in a trance.

good luck with everything, i hope he overcomes so this won't be in the problem in y'alls future.

This is true, i am so proud of you tan44 for going to counselling not only will this benefit you it will mean a lot to him as well as it shows him you're willing to take him as he is and work together for a future, that is worth more than its weight in gold let me tell you.

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was in a relationship that lasted a year. A wonderful man, a man who was crazy in love with me, and i with him. We had the perfect relationship.. so i thought. he asked me to marry him about a million times (of course, i said yes and meant it) he asked me to move in with him (in a new place for the both of us) we did so on june 1st. to go back in time a little, in the months of feb-march we realized that he was in a depression... that was a hard time for the both of us) i know that he some times skips days (1-2) of medications.... anyhow, on saturday june 23rd he walked out of me. not a word, nothing.... i asked him where he wanted this relationship to go on 20 minutes before he moved out and said "tanya i wanna marry you" then walked out. its been 5 days. no news. i've tried texting him a few times and i called once only... nothing.

How can you go from perfect couple (always having fun together, beautiful life together, always together) to nothing? Why is he not talking to me? Now i'm stuck with the place, the rent, and a broken heart. he was my husband...

please help me i think i am going crazy... i just dont understand...

I am really sorry to hear that Tanya. You seem like a lovely girl and do not deserve this. Whatever his problem is, he atleast owes an explanation of why he walked out on the love of his life.

It seems like he has taken the easy way out rather than looking you in the eye and telling what is happening. I hope this gets sorted very quickly for you even if it is just for peace of mind that he is ok/ However can really marry a man that when things gets a little to tough for him he turns his back on the world? I suppose thats what you need to ask yourself.

I really hope this works out for you because there is no worse feeling in the world than someone walking out like that. All the best x

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Hi guys,

well i had a long phone conversation with him last night and here it is. I explained to him how everything felt. that i had taken the time prior to move in with him to make sure that it was what i wanted. that i moved in with him only to be living alone again. i asked him if i understood what was going on, that he needs more time to do the transition. to get answers i have to the the pliers out and get it out of him.

i asked him if two months would be enough for him to achieve that. from his answers, i am really unsure where he is. he said that he didn't know how long it would take but that right now he wanted to live like this (half with his friends, half with me)

i made him understand that saying to someone that you wanna marry them cannot be said lightly. and that i needed some reassurance that if i do give him time to settle in that in the end our path will cross (that i am not putting myself through this only to be hurt again) in the tone of his voice i find no comfort. i asked him what he needed me to do and he said nothing just do what you want. i said what if i wanna go out and do things alone for 7 days? he said then do it. then i said what if i wanna see you every day this week, he said well maybe we could see each other like 5 times or something. (this coming from a guy that was all over me and couldn't see me enough)

i told him that i know 2 Arics. one that's all over me, that cries from being scared of me leaving, that can't get enough of me, and the second, then one who leaves me there crying and hopeless. i asked which one he was. his answer: i don't know.

i asked him if he thought his depression had anything to do with it. he said no.

i asked him if he would come to counseling with me. he said no. i said even if its for me. he said no. even if it helps me, no. he said it has nothing to do with me he just doesn't want to. i said, just to understand how much you hate these prof. if i'd say that we either go to counseling or we are no longer together what would you say then. he said, i don't know.

i think i'm getting a raw deal. i think i'm just there until he finds someone else. i told him that's how i felt and his answer was: i don't think you have to worry about that.

he then told me that i had to relax. i said i can't love. if i didn't care, if i thought this was just for fun, i would relax, i wouldn't care, and i wouldn't put myself through this. but this is my life and my future and i need to look out for myself, that i can't relax.

i'm really unsure what to do. one part of me is telling me to wait it off and see what happens, the other is telling me that i should tell him that we need some time apart in order to really figure out what we want. that he needs to figure his stuff on his own and that if our love is strong enough then we will prevail.

what do you guys think? he is very hard to talk with as he hates these so helpful conversations. i am lost, i don't know what to think or do and i am looking for your opinion as a 3rd party. i am damn if i do and damn if i don't. should i love myself enough to let him go do his thing in order to protect myself?

your help is appreciated. i am sorry i am asking for your help again, i don't know who to talk to and you have been so wonderful to me.

with all my love,

Tanya

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I've been following this thread..

What a sad story..I feel for you. If you love him and you know he loves you then give him some time. People adjust to things differently and maybe he's a little spooked at the thought of such a huge commitment..I'm sure he still wants to marry you he's just scared. And even though he tells you none of this has to do with his depression doesn't mean it's the truth. I have terrible problems with depression myself, but I don't talk about it ever..my actions sometimes do the talking for me though.

Is he going to counselling with you?

I really hope things work out for you..you seem to be lovely.

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I've been following this thread..

What a sad story..I feel for you. If you love him and you know he loves you then give him some time. People adjust to things differently and maybe he's a little spooked at the thought of such a huge commitment..I'm sure he still wants to marry you he's just scared. And even though he tells you none of this has to do with his depression doesn't mean it's the truth. I have terrible problems with depression myself, but I don't talk about it ever..my actions sometimes do the talking for me though.

Is he going to counselling with you?

I really hope things work out for you..you seem to be lovely.

no he is not coming to counselling with me. i asked him to, in order to help me and he said no. i also asked him that if i said counselling or no us anymore what would be his answer and he said i don't know.

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sorry, I reread your last post and noticed I missed where you said he said no!

it's too bad he won't go..why is he so opposed to it?

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sorry, I reread your last post and noticed I missed where you said he said no!

it's too bad he won't go..why is he so opposed to it?

he wont tell me. i asked hi if it was because he hates them, afraid that he will find out something about himslef or me, and all his answers we're no.

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This thread is so sad. When I first moved in with my BF I freaked, I moved out several times, left in the middle of the night, disappeared for days. I put him through hell, it really made him trusting me very hard. I have serious anxiety issues, and occasional secondary depression issues - my behavior had everything to do with my state of mind.

His confidence that it has nothing to do with his depression is willful blindness. In my opinion, his refusal to seek counseling with you (or without) is a death sentence for your relationship.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this - life is so hard sometimes. My heart really goes out to you :pray:

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Yes, unfortunately ayla is right. If he won't seek counseling it is a death sentence to your relationship. That's exactly what happened with my ex-husband. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know it's horrible, I've been there. :cry:

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Over the next few days/weeks I will have to make a decision of what is best for me. I will not give him this letter until I speak to the counsellor (sp).... but wanted to write a letter while my mind could. I would like to know what you think, your honnest opinion. In no way i am trying to blame him or make him feel bad. so do let me know if i come out this way.

Ayla, i hope you don't mind but i've used one of your sentence. here it is

"We've got to be accepting of those things we don't control."

"If you love and care about your partner, then you wake up every morning saying, 'What can I do to make his/her life better?'"

Grieving doesn't have a time frame on it, but life does. Whether I realize it or not, life is marching on. There comes a time when you have to accept the fact and say, "I've got to get on with my life, I've got to get on with putting things together where I can be a happy, meaningful, and productive" Find a way to put one foot in front of the other and move forward.

I have to be honest with myself about the extent to which you are really meeting my needs. Chances are I am longing for the relationship that was, and I want to be in love with the person I thought you were.

I can't wait around because I think you're going to change.... The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, so the chance that you're going to ride in on your white horse and do the right thing to make this relationship work is pretty slim.

I can't put my life on hold. Every minute I spend focusing on you is a minute that's holding me back from a better future. As long as i wait, I will never put my heart, soul and mind into getting my life in order and starting another relationship in time. I have to learn to trust again — by trusting myself. "Trust is not about how much you trust one person or another to do right or wrong. How much you trust another person is a function of how much you trust yourself to be strong enough to deal with their imperfections." I need to have enough faith in myself to be able to put myself on the line with someone, without any guarantee of what will happen next -- and get the same in return, which is not what I feel I am getting from you.

I know that you get hurt in a relationship. There is no perfect person without flaws. Even a well-intended person is going to hurt their partner; going to hurt their feelings; going to say things that you don't want him to say. He's going to do things you wish he wouldn't do and not do things you wish he would do. A relationship is an imperfect union between two willing spirits who say, ''I'd rather be in a relationship and share my life, share my joys, share my fun, share my activities, share my life than do it alone." If you want to be in a relationship, know that getting hurt comes with the territory. You just have to decide that you are durable enough, that you have enough confidence in yourself that you can handle it and that again, you get the same in return.

I cannot invest more than I can afford to lose. While I would like to move forward with you and be as understanding as i can be, I need to take things one step at a time. I can't put so much out there that I'll be emotionally bankrupt if things go south. I have invested so much of myself, through your depression and some of your actions; I’ve been supportive through thick and thin. I’ve stood up straight for you to regain your strength. I’ve put myself second in order to fully understand your needs at the present time. I have been a pillar, a life support at times, a warrior and a confident although I keep being pushed away by you. I cannot build a relationship on my own. I have invested so much in order to make you come out un-shattered. In my moments of weakness, I found support in my own emotions to be there for you, to help you. I stood courageous and willing even when I had nothing in return. I’ve ran myself so thin that at times I didn’t know if I’d be strong enough for the both of us. But I pulled through. Believing. Now, I am only certain of my feelings and what you are giving me in return is not enough. What you are giving me might be all that you can right now, but I need you the way you were prior to all of this (which I don’t even know what is). I need to be reassured and feel confident babe, and I am not right now.

I've heard what you we're saying. I think that right now we want different things out of life and there's no way you can work as a couple at this present time.

I believe that a step back from the relationship will help us both figure out what we want as an end result. For myself, i know, and have known for some time. I believe that being separated for now will help put things in perspective in your mind; that it will give you time to really figure out what you want - if it is really me. At the same time, it will protect me from being hurt once more, something i can't put myself through again.

I remember who you we're before and for no reason (aside from depression, which you say has nothing to do with it) have changed so drastically - I know that the person I love is the person that was there all away through June.

I've given you everything I could. Commitment, love, honesty, trust, care and support and i don't feel like my investments are being returned at the present time. I believe that i am giving more then i am receiving.

I have to love myself more than i love you in order to see myself being happy. I cannot lose myself. I cannot put myself on the side without a guaranty.

I don't believe you are truly being honest with yourself when you say that your illness has nothing to do with your changing. But that's a battle I leave you with to figure out. I believe that you should love yourself enough to see it through.

Your confidence that it has nothing to do with your depression is willful blindness. In my opinion, your refusal to seek counseling with me (or without) is a death sentence for our relationship.

You have to fully appreciate that you are truly the man of my life. That distancing myself from you in order for you to really figure out what you want and figure out if you can give me the same in return is the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make in my life – I need to protect my heart and I am taking a risk of losing everything I’ve ever wanted. I have spent multiple nights crying; some times thinking that I could live with you not giving me most of the things I need in order to be happy. I love you this much. But I love you enough to let you go figure what you need, to find balance. And if you do find out, without a doubt, that I am the one for you, like you are the one for me, find your way back to me. I believe in this relationship enough for the both of us, but I need you to believe in it also.

Maybe it is a first for you to have the love, support and understanding of a woman. Maybe you are just growing apart. I use to be so sure of this relationship, of your feelings, now, I no longer know my love. You have changed, so much and I no longer recognize you. I feel like I’ve lost you even though you are still there. You are not the same….

I wish I could continue writing this letter until everything would be ok between us and there would no longer be a reason for me to give it to you. At last, it is not the case. Sad.

I hope that our love, from before, will prevail this tough journey and that your heart will reconnect to mine. If not, thank you, thank you for letting me love you fully, passionately, with everything I am. I now know what the meaning of true love and true sacrifices are.

Yours always and forever,

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At least get him off the meds. Then hear what he has to say, not what the drugs have to say.

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At least get him off the meds. Then hear what he has to say, not what the drugs have to say.

he wont get off of them. i spoke to him about what you said and he said that the low dose he is on is not enough to be worried about (i think he is on 20mg of celexas or something like that) he responds very very well to medication so a low dosage is all he needs...

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At least get him off the meds. Then hear what he has to say, not what the drugs have to say.

That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Meds don't alter your personality like that. Do your research.

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At least get him off the meds. Then hear what he has to say, not what the drugs have to say.

That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Meds don't alter your personality like that. Do your research.

My research is my experience. I've been on them and they make you an entirely different person. So fuck off.

At least get him off the meds. Then hear what he has to say, not what the drugs have to say.

he wont get off of them. i spoke to him about what you said and he said that the low dose he is on is not enough to be worried about (i think he is on 20mg of celexas or something like that) he responds very very well to medication so a low dosage is all he needs...

Meh, well I guess you tried, it doesn't sound too hopeful anymore :(.

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the latest...

we talked last night. it tool me 2 hours of trying to get him to talk for him to start. i told him that i was dying of a broken heart and that something's gotta give. (i have lost 10 poounds in 10 days - i'm just over 100)

he started crying, like a child. he said that he loves me and that i am his wife and everything to him. then said that he couldn't be with me and didn't understand why. cry cry cry.... i said my good bye.

then after he left he sent me text messages saying that he adores me, that he miss me already, that he KNOWS he will come back to me, he will, he plans on it, he is sure of it, that i'll be the firts to know, and that if i am not ready that he will wait for me. then just before going to bed he sent me "good night my love. i miss you teribly already". i didn't respond. i will not be drag behing his car. his words mean nothing to me as i don't know if its just that he is toying with me.. (i can't be with you, but i will come back, good night my love), could be that he just wants the best of all worlds, to know that someone loves him and blah blah. or maybe he is honest. actions is what i will need, for him to prove himself. right now, i think the best thing for me to do is not play this game of texting love messages when we are not in a realtionship anymore. and see what happen in time. i dout that he is honest with me, and i do think that i'll never hear from him again. i could be wrong.

for now i have to take care of myself. my boss asked me this morning if i was going to check myself in if i continued down this path. i said yes. my god, i've let it harm me this much. he knows what to do if i am who he wants. he will need toput actions where his mouth is.

oh and i did tell him that i could not be his friend. that this was good bue. he couldn't say it. i said i am friends with past relationships, but that he was my husband and i can't do this to myself. it would be to hard.

why did he send me texts like this after? manipulation? why? that's enough to give hope, and hope is not what i need right now.

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sorry things didnt work out. he sounds like he has some issues going on within himself so it sounds like you just need to let him go(at least for now). especially since he is not willing to get the help that he needs in order to hold on to the relationship. the way he handled this whole thing was very unfair to you. it sounds like his depression may have something to do with it but its also just a classic case of cold feet and now ur left holding the bag which is not right. did he agree to continue helping you pay rent? thats the least he could do. i know you love him so therefore i would give him maybe a month to come around-after that i would move on. life is too short to waste on someone who is not willing to make an effort to hold to you.

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At least get him off the meds. Then hear what he has to say, not what the drugs have to say.

That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Meds don't alter your personality like that. Do your research.

My research is my experience. I've been on them and they make you an entirely different person. So fuck off.

At least get him off the meds. Then hear what he has to say, not what the drugs have to say.

he wont get off of them. i spoke to him about what you said and he said that the low dose he is on is not enough to be worried about (i think he is on 20mg of celexas or something like that) he responds very very well to medication so a low dosage is all he needs...

Meh, well I guess you tried, it doesn't sound too hopeful anymore :(.

my expereience is my proof too, to counter it docta, without meds i'm a much worse person. you don't want to see me unmedicated. trust me on that one. the WRONG meds maybe you have a point tho, but no meds are bad news. Its about the right meds, is that what you meant? because maybe that will clear up the disagreement.

the latest...

we talked last night. it tool me 2 hours of trying to get him to talk for him to start. i told him that i was dying of a broken heart and that something's gotta give. (i have lost 10 poounds in 10 days - i'm just over 100)

he started crying, like a child. he said that he loves me and that i am his wife and everything to him. then said that he couldn't be with me and didn't understand why. cry cry cry.... i said my good bye.

then after he left he sent me text messages saying that he adores me, that he miss me already, that he KNOWS he will come back to me, he will, he plans on it, he is sure of it, that i'll be the firts to know, and that if i am not ready that he will wait for me. then just before going to bed he sent me "good night my love. i miss you teribly already". i didn't respond. i will not be drag behing his car. his words mean nothing to me as i don't know if its just that he is toying with me.. (i can't be with you, but i will come back, good night my love), could be that he just wants the best of all worlds, to know that someone loves him and blah blah. or maybe he is honest. actions is what i will need, for him to prove himself. right now, i think the best thing for me to do is not play this game of texting love messages when we are not in a realtionship anymore. and see what happen in time. i dout that he is honest with me, and i do think that i'll never hear from him again. i could be wrong.

for now i have to take care of myself. my boss asked me this morning if i was going to check myself in if i continued down this path. i said yes. my god, i've let it harm me this much. he knows what to do if i am who he wants. he will need toput actions where his mouth is.

oh and i did tell him that i could not be his friend. that this was good bue. he couldn't say it. i said i am friends with past relationships, but that he was my husband and i can't do this to myself. it would be to hard.

why did he send me texts like this after? manipulation? why? that's enough to give hope, and hope is not what i need right now.

he has to be well for himself to make a realstionship work. as do you. Until he's ready to get the help he needs i agree you need to take a step back. If i wasn't ready to get help for my illness i would probaby end my relationship as well, as long as your working on it theres hope but there can only be hope with effort.

Get the help you need for yourself tho, co-dependency is a dangerous road.

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Sorry wasn't trying to start anything. But I've been on and off meds throughout my life. Yes, they make you happier. But they don't change the core of who you are. That was my point. I really wish you the best.

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Sorry wasn't trying to start anything. But I've been on and off meds throughout my life. Yes, they make you happier. But they don't change the core of who you are. That was my point. I really wish you the best.

i agree with you sweetheart519, for the record :)

i wish you the best too Tan44

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Sorry wasn't trying to start anything. But I've been on and off meds throughout my life. Yes, they make you happier. But they don't change the core of who you are. That was my point. I really wish you the best.

They made me a zombie, completely changed my personality, and I contributed to issues with my face (not sure if it was direct or indirect, but it got worse at that time). I had thoughts I've never had before, I almost killed myself, something that a few months beforehand I would have considered ludacris. They made me hide things from people, get angry at people, not talk to people. I still don't feel right to this day, so yes, I think they can change who you are depending on who it is.

With mental health there are many different aspects to treating it. People react differently to meds, and people have different conditions and reasons for why they aren't entirely healthy.

From the radical change in behavior that he exhibited, it leads me to believe that the medication has something to do with it, as it did with me.

And Ophelia, meds or no meds really depends on the person. For me, anti-depressant/ anxiety pills just negatively affect me, as they do with a lot of people. For you, it may be different. It just seems too connected to write off medication as cause for his behavior.

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