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Dirge

I guess I'm allowed to rant, too.

I probably wouldn't feel so bad if my acne weren't coming back in droves (I had several months of clearish skin, with mostly only whiteheads) and my face is now covered in papules and cysts and now my body is breaking out, too.

My stupid husband (forgive me for husband-bashing here, because I love him, but GOD he is an asshole sometimes) will not get off his lazy butt and refill my minocyline Rx or take care of our insurance so I can get my refill. I can't do it. I don't drive. I work until 7, when the pharmacy closes. He doesn't work. He drives. That makes it his responsibility.

He's a child. A selfish child. I've had cold showers and a miserable vacation all week because of him. He takes fifteen, twenty minute showers, then when it's my turn to bathe, I barely get to lather because the water turns to ice on me. He tells me he gets out when the water starts to get cold. WTF!? I'm the hygeine nut in the relationship, but he likes his luxurious showers on vacation (he will go days without bathing when it's just me and him) and I'm not even allowed to wash my acne-riddled face in warm water?

MY vacation, that MY working paid for, and we've spent it with HIS best friend and his best friend's girlfriend, who thinks it's funny to have loud, obnoxious, fake orgasms (the boyfriend doesn't know she's faking it, but it's pretty obvious, and husband thinks it's perfectly fine) in the room next door when the walls are paper thin. I don't mind them boffing, but don't ham it up because you have a fuckin' audience.

And I've spent my entire vacation waking up at nine - hell, I can do that on a work day, since I get to the office at ten (and neveryoumind, that's the reason I had to get a cold shower, because I was the last one up; why am I not allowed to sleep late on my vacation?) - and riding in a car to random, desolate spots to take pictures because he fancies himself a photographer, and to do some geocaching. I enjoy car trips, but they make me sick. He knows that. I get the worst stomachaches, and it doesn't help he's taking gravelly, bumpy, twisty-turny backroads so he can take these pictures. And the geocaching. Fun sport. Can be fun and creative, seriously. I hate looking for a missing shoe in my bedroom. WHY would I want to find a film canister in some thorny underbrush just so I can say, hey, I found it? I'm covered in scratches and splinters and I'm sick to my stomach and we've been doing stuff for HIM the entire damn'd trip.

I'm not allowed to spend any money on souveniers, but he's already bought himself two, and purchased dinners for himself (none for me, it's stuff I don't like) and when he brought home donuts today, he got plenty for everyone else and just ONE for me. Forget that. I don't need to eat. You can have that stupid, measly, singular donut.

We drive home tomorrow. We're going up to the city today to visit his other friend. Woo. And more winding back roads so he can take more pictures! I'm not allowed to have an allowance (when I asked for an allowance, he yelled at me and told me if I wanted money, to get a real job - I work for a doctor), I'm not allowed to buy stuff to fix my makeup, I'm not allowed new clothes, I have to report to him what I eat for lunch to make sure I stay in budget, but he's allowed to take vacations with his friends and do fun stuff (he also comes home with unexplained purchases for himself, like video games or another stupid D&D book) while I'm the sulking, temper-tantrum wife in the other room (he's calling me a child, and has the nerve to tell me that my hurt feelings aren't valid, and that it's just a temper tantrum; he also likes reporting my outbursts to his friend).

I've been eating fattening, unhealthy foods this entire trip, so I feel bloated, and it doesn't help my stomachache that I've been eating greasy junk this entire trip. I want to cry, throw-up, and cut myself. I'm so angry and frustrated right now, and I need to get it out of my system.

Sorry for the rant, guys. I'm at my wits end. Sometimes I think I'd be happier single. =(

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What's with this you're "not allowed to" stuff? And you're the only one who works? He sounds like a control freak....you're his wife, not his child....well I am not trying to turn you against him...

So... that said, you need to talk to him in a calm manner. Now that you've vented here, you need to tell him how you feel without attacking or accusing him. If you start ranting & raving he will just write it off as a temper tantrum. Sit him down, look him in the eye & tell you are upset & list the reasons why. Don't say "you do this & you do that" but say things like "I feel this way because of this & I feel like you are not concerned with my feelings when you do this & that". Tell him this is a serious issue to you, & by ignoring your feelings he is disrespecting you as a wife & a human being.

Approach can be everything in these matters....I tend to fly off the handle also, but I always get better results when I just come clean with how I feel & explain why I am upset.

I'm sorry you've had such a bad vacation....I hope you can work it out :comfort:

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Thanks for the reply, Siouxcat. Believe me, I very rarely approach him with anger. I'm usually hurt, and I indicate that I'm hurt, and he shrugs and says, "I'm sorry you feel that way." Not, "I'm sorry I'm acting like an ass," but no, he makes it my fault again. It's my fault that I'm hurt, because that's the way I'm reacting.

He's a good person most of the time, but I get really tired of being treated like the inferior partner in this relationship. I'm a traditionalist, and I don't mind being a housewife, but playing housewife AND working gets tiring. He temps, but has no solid job. He also goes to school, so money will get tighter soon as he's not getting any more finaid. Last semester was the last of it.

He just read over my shoulder, and he said, "If you're so sick of me, then don't stick around on my account." He's so dismissive like that. Like, if I make you mad, then just leave. It's not that easy. T.T

I'm seven years younger than him. I'm 22, he's 29. He always treats me like I'm stupid or don't know better. Yesterday, he tried to teach me how to read a map. Hello, I was in the fuckin' Army for the most of boot camp (I flushed out due to depression). I know how to read a map.

Don't worry, Dog; if I leave, I will go to Tampa. ;) I don't plan on leaving hubby any time soon. He just knows how to piss me off. I'm sure it's my fault for overreacting, anyway.

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Don't worry, Dog; if I leave, I will go to Tampa. ;) I don't plan on leaving hubby any time soon. He just knows how to piss me off. I'm sure it's my fault for overreacting, anyway.

he sounds like a control freak to me... which scares me.

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I hope you can find a way to reach him without fighting. You two really need to talk openly about the situation with defenses down.

Oh, & my significant other is seven years younger than I. But, he's my partner, that means he gets treated with the respect he deserves, & that I want reciprocated.

I hope you can work it out, good luck! *hugs*

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I probably wouldn't feel so bad if my acne weren't coming back in droves (I had several months of clearish skin, with mostly only whiteheads) and my face is now covered in papules and cysts and now my body is breaking out, too.

My stupid husband (forgive me for husband-bashing here, because I love him, but GOD he is an asshole sometimes) will not get off his lazy butt and refill my minocyline Rx or take care of our insurance so I can get my refill. I can't do it. I don't drive. I work until 7, when the pharmacy closes. He doesn't work. He drives. That makes it his responsibility.

He's a child. A selfish child. I've had cold showers and a miserable vacation all week because of him. He takes fifteen, twenty minute showers, then when it's my turn to bathe, I barely get to lather because the water turns to ice on me. He tells me he gets out when the water starts to get cold. WTF!? I'm the hygeine nut in the relationship, but he likes his luxurious showers on vacation (he will go days without bathing when it's just me and him) and I'm not even allowed to wash my acne-riddled face in warm water?

MY vacation, that MY working paid for, and we've spent it with HIS best friend and his best friend's girlfriend, who thinks it's funny to have loud, obnoxious, fake orgasms (the boyfriend doesn't know she's faking it, but it's pretty obvious, and husband thinks it's perfectly fine) in the room next door when the walls are paper thin. I don't mind them boffing, but don't ham it up because you have a fuckin' audience.

And I've spent my entire vacation waking up at nine - hell, I can do that on a work day, since I get to the office at ten (and neveryoumind, that's the reason I had to get a cold shower, because I was the last one up; why am I not allowed to sleep late on my vacation?) - and riding in a car to random, desolate spots to take pictures because he fancies himself a photographer, and to do some geocaching. I enjoy car trips, but they make me sick. He knows that. I get the worst stomachaches, and it doesn't help he's taking gravelly, bumpy, twisty-turny backroads so he can take these pictures. And the geocaching. Fun sport. Can be fun and creative, seriously. I hate looking for a missing shoe in my bedroom. WHY would I want to find a film canister in some thorny underbrush just so I can say, hey, I found it? I'm covered in scratches and splinters and I'm sick to my stomach and we've been doing stuff for HIM the entire damn'd trip.

I'm not allowed to spend any money on souveniers, but he's already bought himself two, and purchased dinners for himself (none for me, it's stuff I don't like) and when he brought home donuts today, he got plenty for everyone else and just ONE for me. Forget that. I don't need to eat. You can have that stupid, measly, singular donut.

We drive home tomorrow. We're going up to the city today to visit his other friend. Woo. And more winding back roads so he can take more pictures! I'm not allowed to have an allowance (when I asked for an allowance, he yelled at me and told me if I wanted money, to get a real job - I work for a doctor), I'm not allowed to buy stuff to fix my makeup, I'm not allowed new clothes, I have to report to him what I eat for lunch to make sure I stay in budget, but he's allowed to take vacations with his friends and do fun stuff (he also comes home with unexplained purchases for himself, like video games or another stupid D&D book) while I'm the sulking, temper-tantrum wife in the other room (he's calling me a child, and has the nerve to tell me that my hurt feelings aren't valid, and that it's just a temper tantrum; he also likes reporting my outbursts to his friend).

I've been eating fattening, unhealthy foods this entire trip, so I feel bloated, and it doesn't help my stomachache that I've been eating greasy junk this entire trip. I want to cry, throw-up, and cut myself. I'm so angry and frustrated right now, and I need to get it out of my system.

Sorry for the rant, guys. I'm at my wits end. Sometimes I think I'd be happier single. =(

It sounds like you married a spoiled child.

I hope it gets better for you.

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Well I would say shower with him to save on the hot water, but if my hubby was acting like that, I wouldn't want to shower with him either!!

From the sounds of it, you are NOT overreacting at all. You guys should maybe see into some counseling- the two things that usually end a marriage are money and sex. It sounds like money is an issue with you guys that needs a mediator to help you arrange some better agreement- sounds like it's been very one sided for a while.

I can kind of understand the "I'm not allowed" thoughts because I'm married too. My husband never tells me what to do, nor I him, but we have "rules" in order for things to run smoothly. If he ever came home with a huge purchase without talking to me about it first I would flip out! He makes the money, so it's my job to "spend" it, which in actuality, it's my job to manage it. The roles could possibly reverse at some point, but this way works pretty well. But some people would see that as bad, that I tell him how to spend his money. But really, we're married, so we both consider it our money, and the teamwork is what keeps us sane and happy.

Hope things get better. Sounds like you are happy overall with your marriage, but I wouldn't avoid this problem or blow it off just because it isn't bothering you as much later. It's something that needs to be fixed, and it isn't all your fault. Don't let him make you feel that way (my hubby has a tendency to turn it around too, with the "I'm sorry you feel like that" crap). This is a relationship, which means both sides have to work together and possibly comprimise to make things work.

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Thanks for the reply, Siouxcat. Believe me, I very rarely approach him with anger. I'm usually hurt, and I indicate that I'm hurt, and he shrugs and says, "I'm sorry you feel that way." Not, "I'm sorry I'm acting like an ass," but no, he makes it my fault again. It's my fault that I'm hurt, because that's the way I'm reacting.

He's a good person most of the time, but I get really tired of being treated like the inferior partner in this relationship. I'm a traditionalist, and I don't mind being a housewife, but playing housewife AND working gets tiring. He temps, but has no solid job. He also goes to school, so money will get tighter soon as he's not getting any more finaid. Last semester was the last of it.

He just read over my shoulder, and he said, "If you're so sick of me, then don't stick around on my account." He's so dismissive like that. Like, if I make you mad, then just leave. It's not that easy. T.T

I'm seven years younger than him. I'm 22, he's 29. He always treats me like I'm stupid or don't know better. Yesterday, he tried to teach me how to read a map. Hello, I was in the fuckin' Army for the most of boot camp (I flushed out due to depression). I know how to read a map.

Don't worry, Dog; if I leave, I will go to Tampa. ;) I don't plan on leaving hubby any time soon. He just knows how to piss me off. I'm sure it's my fault for overreacting, anyway.

This doesn't sound like over reacting to me or your fault. He really sounds incredibly selfish. I really hope you can work it out. Maybe ask him point blank why his says those things & if that is really what he wants. Those kind of apologies where they push the blame back on you are no apology...

I'm all for a traditional relationship, but I believe a man should cherish & honor his wife & put her needs before his own; not control her & disregard her feelings. It makes a traditional relationship hard when the man does not do much to earn his wife's respect...

That fact that you now want to blame yourself worries me, because it makes you sound emotionally abused :(

Just take care of yourself & know you are worth better treatment & hopefully he will get a clue & see that.

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I probably am a little emotionally abused (he tells me I'm the abusive one, believe it or not), and I don't mean to justify his behaviour, but his dad treats his mum the same way. I'm sure that's where he learned it.

Like I said, for the most part he's a great guy, and I do tend to take things personally. I burn hot and get over it. Right now, I'm fine. I forgave him. I try to talk to him, but I think he refuses to accept the fact that he's a bit too caustic for me. I get hurt very easily. A normal person wouldn't let it hurt them, but I grew up abused. I flinch and lock down easily so he can't hurt me, but it still hurts.

He is a spoiled child, and a taker, and selfish, but he's also very giving and very kind and gentle, and when he does something assy, he tries his hardest to make up for it. I'm not the one to shun a hug or kiss when I'm mad, and it usually fixes things. He tends to be the one to "come crawling back" (reach for my hand or pull me in for a hug when he realizes things went too far, though sometimes I initiate it because I can't stand fighting). He doesn't hit me, so no need to worry there.

He is controlling, and I don't know how to ask him to fix that. I find it unfair to ask a person to change when they're set in their ways, but I'm a stubborn blend of passive-assertive. I let most things slide, but when I want/need something, I'm pretty adamant about getting it and get very upset when I can't have it (mostly because I don't ask for that much...I think). Sometimes I do act like I child, but I can't help but wonder if I'm falling into the role expected of me.

Normally we do shower together, haha, but I've been sleeping until 10 or so this weekend so I miss out on that, since hubby is the type to get up when he gets a chance and get started on the day.

Sorry I took this out on all of you guys, and I appreciate the replies and comfort and understanding. A relationship is give and take, and most of the time he and I are a great team, but I take alot of crap then finally snap and blow up.

Bleh. I don't know what to do sometimes. I wish I had more freedom, and mayhap I will get some more independence and privleges in this relationship, but until I can, I guess I just have to bide my time. I need to learn how to drive, and maybe another job to pick up the slack, but my job is emotionally exhausting and I don't know if I could handle two jobs.

And Dog, you seem like a great guy, and if I were single, I'd jump at the chance to be your girl. I really am happy with my marriage, though, and hubby is only a dick occasionally.

Thanks, all. <333

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I'm a lousy lay anyway (according to husband...geez, maybe he is a bit abusive o.O). You don't want me. x)

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I'm a lousy lay anyway (according to husband...geez, maybe he is a bit abusive o.O). You don't want me. x)

i think your husband is a loser and the only way he could find someone was through the internet.

wait, a minute...

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Like I said, for the most part he's a great guy, and I do tend to take things personally.

I'm not the one to shun a hug or kiss when I'm mad, and it usually fixes things. He tends to be the one to "come crawling back" (reach for my hand or pull me in for a hug when he realizes things went too far, though sometimes I initiate it because I can't stand fighting). He doesn't hit me, so no need to worry there.

He is controlling, and I don't know how to ask him to fix that. I find it unfair to ask a person to change when they're set in their ways, but I'm a stubborn blend of passive-assertive. I let most things slide, but when I want/need something, I'm pretty adamant about getting it and get very upset when I can't have it (mostly because I don't ask for that much...I think). Sometimes I do act like I child, but I can't help but wonder if I'm falling into the role expected of me.

Not to stick my nose too much into your business, and I'm sure your husband does have many good qualities, which you saw in him in order to fall in love & get married...but some of what you said just bothers me & I'm concerned.

I know I'm naive in these matters, never having been married, but if someone says hurtful things to you & dismisses your feelings by their actions, then you have every reason to take it personal. A normal person would be hurt by much of what you described.

Just cuz someone is in a bad mood or whatever does not excuse it. No one is perfect, but when pointed out that they've repeatedly hurt someone's feelings most people will realize they were wrong & try not to be so careless in the future.

I also really hope you don't think a hug or kiss will solve marital problems. Maybe in the short term, but for the long term it solves nothing. The problems will keep occurring & resentment will grow on both sides & after awhile a kiss just isn't going to cut it. I see that even in family relationships....you just push something aside for the time being, but it will grow & grow & damage a relationship over time.

I don't think it's unfair to expect someone to change either. That's just giving people an excuse to mistreat you & take advantage of you. If someone has hurt you & you have made it clear to them how you feel, then you should expect them to make an effort to change their behavior. You should expect them to want to change it. Especially if that person is your marriage mate.

Okay, I'm done with my speech! And really, I wrote this cuz what you wrote bothered me to read, & an outside perspective can be good to hear sometimes.

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I'm a lousy lay anyway (according to husband...geez, maybe he is a bit abusive o.O). You don't want me. x)

I find you being a lousy lay a bit hard to believe. ;)

Maybe the poor fucker just couldn't get it up and is using you as a scapegoat. :badgrin:

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i read all of that and i'm not liking this guy at all. he sounds like the type who will turn abusive :(.

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i think your husband is a loser and the only way he could find someone was through the internet.

wait, a minute...

xDD

Not to stick my nose too much into your business, and I'm sure your husband does have many good qualities, which you saw in him in order to fall in love & get married...but some of what you said just bothers me & I'm concerned.

I know I'm naive in these matters, never having been married, but if someone says hurtful things to you & dismisses your feelings by their actions, then you have every reason to take it personal. A normal person would be hurt by much of what you described.

Just cuz someone is in a bad mood or whatever does not excuse it. No one is perfect, but when pointed out that they've repeatedly hurt someone's feelings most people will realize they were wrong & try not to be so careless in the future.

I also really hope you don't think a hug or kiss will solve marital problems. Maybe in the short term, but for the long term it solves nothing. The problems will keep occurring & resentment will grow on both sides & after awhile a kiss just isn't going to cut it. I see that even in family relationships....you just push something aside for the time being, but it will grow & grow & damage a relationship over time.

I don't think it's unfair to expect someone to change either. That's just giving people an excuse to mistreat you & take advantage of you. If someone has hurt you & you have made it clear to them how you feel, then you should expect them to make an effort to change their behavior. You should expect them to want to change it. Especially if that person is your marriage mate.

Okay, I'm done with my speech! And really, I wrote this cuz what you wrote bothered me to read, & an outside perspective can be good to hear sometimes.

I really appreciate you looking out for me. It seems the more I justify hubby's behaviour, the worse I make him out to be.

I think he is trying to be more cautious around me in regards to the way he treats me, but he is ascerbic and can have an acid tongue. I can, too. When I fight, I fight dirty, and I can destroy a person emotionally. Most of the time I'm left in tears, and I DO have a mental disorder that makes me extra-sensitive to percieved insults. He has learned that I cry easily, since I'm so easily hurt, and he's adjusted his behaviour accordingly. I think he can't stand to see me cry, but with how often I turn on the waterworks, he's a bit jaded to them. "Oh, Kaz is crying...again..." He does apologize, and atimes, he does apologize appropriately, and acknowledge what he's done wrong. Many times, there are no repeat behaviours. But he is in denial as to how rough he can be, probably because he doesn't want to realize he's alot more like his father than he wants to admit. He's not like this all the time, but when the tension gets so bad, he lets things slip. And it's not that he knows how to hurt me, per se, but that it's so easy to hurt me. I'm very fragile, emotionally. I refuse to give up on him, but I'll readily turn my back on a friend who burns me. I forgive easily, but I never forget an insult.

I'm not so naive to think that a simple hug or kiss will resolve these issues, but it is a way of diffusing the animosity, and his way of showing me that he still cares greatly about me. It takes a brave man to reach for me when I'm crying. I know I say I can't turn away affection, but rejection is still a possibility. I've done it before. Sometimes I can't stand to look at him, but I still love him so much that my heart still skips a beat when I see him and I've been with him for five years.

You're correct in your observations, and your advice is sage. I'll point that out to him next time, and explain to him how much he is hurting me. I'm sure he'll recognize it if I articulate myself clearly and without tears. I feel like he undermines my feelings because I do cry so easily. Maybe not. Hopefully he'll see how much his insults and degradation hurt, and will attempt to be nicer to me. That's all I ask. I need a gentle touch, since I am such a marshmallow.

Thank you. ^^ <3

I find you being a lousy lay a bit hard to believe. wink.gif

Maybe the poor fucker just couldn't get it up and is using you as a scapegoat. badgrin.gif

I'm flattered. x)

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Your husband doesnt have a job? You have to do allt he work. That really isnt fair at all! I cannot ever picture myself getting married. Id probably end up in a divorce like 50% of Americans

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i read all of that and i'm not liking this guy at all. he sounds like the type who will turn abusive sad.gif.

At his worst, he's never laid a hand on me. He rarely raises his voice. He is a bit emotionally abusive (I think, and when I point it out, he turns the table and says I am abusive, and maybe I am but I can't think of a time that I said anything terribly ugly that wasn't called for) but he'll never hit me or anything.

What I really need is a nice guy with money. x) Looks don't matter to me, as long as I'm taken care of and the guy never yells at me.

I hope hubby spoils me once he gets his degree. I'm the type that likes material things, and feeling pretty, and living comfortably. Being poor sucks. u.u

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thats scary though neko... flipping over tables. he sounds like he needs to be in power and in control at all times. thats not good at all.

ps i have $17,000 in savings.

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Your husband doesnt have a job? You have to do allt he work. That really isnt fair at all! I cannot ever picture myself getting married. Id probably end up in a divorce like 50% of Americans

He's a student. He temps in the summer. No, it isn't fair, and I get snide comments often because I only work part-time, but my job is draining.

I love him too much to divorce him, and he does make me happy. He understands me. He's the only one I'm "real" around. He laughs at my stupid jokes. He makes me laugh. He's playful, and considerate, and does random sweet things. If he didn't chide me so often, I'd be a gazillion times happier. That's all that needs to be fixed, methinks. He needs to respect me, and I think that would help considerably.

he's a photographer...

tongue.gif

Yes. He even develops his own film. Check out his gallery, no flaming please. x)

geohazard.deviantart.com

thats scary though neko... flipping over tables. he sounds like he needs to be in power and in control at all times. thats not good at all.

ps i have $17,000 in savings.

I guess you leave me no choice. I'll tell him I'm leaving him right away, and I'll be down in St. Pete in a few hours.

Seriously, though, you don't want me. I'm a mean, mean woman. I'll make you cry, and I'll tear right through your money. I'm shallow enough to like /things/.

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Seriously, though, you don't want me. I'm a mean, mean woman. I'll make you cry, and I'll tear right through your money. I'm shallow enough to like /things/.

awww, i see why he's so mean to you now :P.

:comfort:

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