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Yet another rant, but I really need to write this down as I think I'm slowly loosing it :wacko:

Have you ever felt the need to build some kind of emotional wall around you, to protect yourself, to prevent your friends from seeing you as a weak person ? I do.

I'm an only child, throughout my childhood, I've always been considered as a shy and sensitive boy although I wouldn't let my emotions show, I wouldn't talk much either.

When I went to college last september, everything changed, I found myself talking to complete strangers, acting like an open-minded and funny person. It was a great feeling and I was even glad to tell those people how much I had changed since high school. I had described myself as a reserved person and yet I couldn't shut my mouth in class :lol:

But then came the winter holidays, i.e a month at home, first I was afraid of getting bored but I was like "come on, you have more friends now, you know lots of people", plus I had been totally in love with a girl and the whole story was going nowhere as she decided to go for a guy I hated so much ... once again, not such a big deal when you know you're gonna hang out with friends and have fun ?

It never happened. And there I was, alone at home with nowhere to go, nothing to do. They all had my number and yet it was like I stopped existing :eh: I could have contacted them instead, but after years of isolation I didn't really know what to do with them, I was years behind people my age.

This was such a shock for me, I was lost, depressed, and couldn't talk to anyone about it because all of a sudden these people were like strangers again. I was on my own :doubt:

It got better when the holidays ended but I'm stuck in the exact same situation right now. Everytime I get to tell someone (on MSN ...) how bored I am, how lonely I feel, they're like "why don't you go out, see friends ?!" ... that's because THEY are the friends I'd like to go out with. I'd like to tell them, but I don't want to look like a weak person, how could anyone like/love a guy like that ?

So as usual I spend my time between anger and depression, sometimes crying at night. I don't want them to see me like that, I can't let them, I'm supposed to be strong so I build a wall.

It's a neutral/weary look that's always on my face, like nothing really touches me.

I've always had the ability to understand other people, see what they're going trough, spot the truth behind a smile, but no one ever does that for me, it's like those people are afraid of these emotions so they just don't talk about it and keep living their lives like nothing happened. It's like the movie 2:37, those who have already seen it will understand what I mean. I feel like it would take them 3 weeks to wonder where I've gone if I had a car accident :confused: Don't get me wrong, I'm not suicidal !

I have so many things to tell my friends (are they even friends ?), but I'm tired of living my life on MSN.

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I....uh....live my life on MSN too.

And then I tell people I'm bored.

They're like, "Oh! I'm not! I'm going swimming with so-and-so..."

They don't include me in their plans...and I'm kind of glad because I don't think I fit in. :(

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I know exactly how you feel. I was similar in middle school and high school- I considered myself to be quiet and reserved. towards the end of high school I began to see myself come out of my shell. it's weird because the new people don't see you as a shy person, or they wouldn't think you have a lower self esteem, too afraid to call people first or ask for help when you're lonely, but it's true!!

Do you have one or two particular friends that you trust more or enjoy spending time with more? I find that if i can work on a particular relationship, rather than focusing on spending time with a group of my friends, it gets easier down the road. also, try not to take it personally when people don't call you first. sometimes it's really nothing personal. If there is someone you know doesn't have any plans, don't be afraid- make the first call! you don't even have to ask them to do anything. sometimes just conversating outside of school forms a stronger relationship, lets them know that you think about them.

i hope that helps some. :comfort:

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Story of my life :boohoo:

I had a similar experience in college....I was no longer the shy girl who kept to herself that I had been since middle school. I made some friends & was able to be myself & show my personality openly. I think it was finally that situation I had alwaysdreamed of: no one knew me & I had a fresh start to be whoever I wanted to be. I had less anxiety & doubted myself less.

Upon finishing college, I did not keep in touch with the friends I had; I slipped into old habits. So here I am, isolated once more. I've realized that no one is going to come to me anymore. I have to make the effort. I have to call them. I have to get over the feeling that this is sad or desperate in any way....it's not, it's just being friendly & if they don't respond then it's their loss because I do have a lot to offer as a friend.

Being shy & very sensitive myself (along with the seeming contradiction of being emotionally inexpressive unless I really trust someone), I have now realized that people are not going to have the intuition about me that I do about them. That means I have to put myself out there & do the work. They don't know I'm shy, they don't know I'm lonely. They have no reason to suspect I'd like to be friends unless I show them I want to be. I've had friends tell me that I seem very guarded, because I am. You have to let your guard down somewhat also, because then no one will see beyond it & most people are not going to try & break it down. They will simply think you are not interested in them.

So don't wait for people to call you...call them.

If you don't, then nothing will ever happen. You made those friends to begin with because you let go of some self doubt & came out of your shell. Now you've let the doubt creep back in & affect you again. They'll only think you are weak if you project yourself that way. You were able to project yourself differently before, so you can do it again!

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