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Marissa M

experiencing mental anguish

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hi all :). i wish that in my life right now it would as simple as hitting the ':' and ')' key to smile. its not difficult to smile. a person can smile all they want but its not always what thier feeling inside. i have delt w/ acne for over 3 years and the combination of being shy and that has been a pretty hard fight for me. 4 months ago i started accutane and it has helped me so much, im actually starting to have beautiful skin! but the saying that beauty is only skin deep couldn't fit my situation any better. i been feeling so lost and down lately to the point where im not taking care of things i need to. i dont have much of a social life right now either manely because ive alienated and wierded out my friends. Im so miserble and i think its because of the accutane, or 'crackutane' as ive started calling it. ive been having even lower self-esteem then i did when i had acne. i feel like at work and with my friends that noone can figure me out and that everyone talks about how wierd and antisocial i act. everyone thinks i dont like them but the opposite couldnt be more true! i love these people and care about them and want to hug them, but i just cant express that for some reason. recently ive even managed to push away my dream guy, my DREAM GUY. seriously. he started noticing me and i him, we had some chemistry and things could have grown and been great but ive pushed him away by my wierdness. OK so what i want to know is if anyone else on here is or has been on accutane and has noticed a change in thier personality. i hope that i can blame all this on it!! peace and thanks guys for reading

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All I have to say is... I agree. I feel like a different person... but there are other personal things going on in my life that have contributed to that. I honestly think I have lost touch with some friends and maybe even trust in others... it's weird... and really hard to explain. But yes, I feel it has effected me a bit.

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I felt the same way after my first week of accutane. Very sad, very distant...and sometimes, I was so out of it, I would go into the kitchen to do something and completely forget what I went in there for. My doctor prescribed Zoloft...I feel better. Maybe this is an option while you're on tane?

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Depression and personality change are two very well noted possible side effects of accutane. Talk to your dermatologist, and consider lowering your dose or cutting accutane altogether if the effects are too severe.

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I used to think accutane affected me mentally/psychologically, but I'm not sure, I was always a little depressed. At some points, I actually felt better while on accutane because I thought it would give me clear skin and everything would get better. Since stopping accutane, I have felt really depressed, I guess it's kind of the final realisation that it hasn't worked for me. Most days I will just breakdown and start crying and I feel so hopeless and that there is no point in living, I honestly feel like killing myself when I'm at that point. I've been having "panic attacks" too which is something I've never really had before. Meh, I'm a mess at the moment to be honest.

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You really should talk to someone, mx123. Depression is no joke, especially when you make comments aout not wanting to live, etc. I have suffered with acne for a long time, but as bad as it ever gets, it is certainly no reason to want your life to end. Life is so full of joy and happiness - your acne doesn't have as much of an effect as you think it does. I'm not belittling your feelings, because I have had my low points crying in front of the mirror myself, but...life still goes on. Believe me, people don't take as much notice to your face as you do. Keep that in mind.

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About eight weeks into taking accutane I started feeling really down all the time. I just kept having really deep awkward thoughts about the meaning of life and wondering what the point was. I started to drink more to make myself happier but, I had the will power to know that there is a point to life and continue to do what I usually do. I have two days left of my medication and I am still hoping that these thoughts will go away after I stop taking the medicine.

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All I have to say is... I agree. I feel like a different person... but there are other personal things going on in my life that have contributed to that. I honestly think I have lost touch with some friends and maybe even trust in others... it's weird... and really hard to explain. But yes, I feel it has effected me a bit.

I agree I have the exact same situation right now. I was on accutane for 6 months at 20mg the first two and then 40mg for the rest. The thing is I felt fine while on accutane, but it wasn't until this past month or so that my depression and mood swings really set in. I don't really know how to describe it either, but here at school I've been having problems with my friends, my coaches, and just people around me because they think I'm coming off towards them the wrong way or something. Also when I talk to people be it my friends or girls etc it's like I'm not the same person, like something in my personality has just changed I dunno. I can say this though, but I am also suffering a tremendous amount of hair loss due to accutane so that could be the overall cause of the depression and mood swings I'm going through right now. So I dunno at this point.

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You really should talk to someone, mx123. Depression is no joke, especially when you make comments aout not wanting to live, etc. I have suffered with acne for a long time, but as bad as it ever gets, it is certainly no reason to want your life to end. Life is so full of joy and happiness - your acne doesn't have as much of an effect as you think it does. I'm not belittling your feelings, because I have had my low points crying in front of the mirror myself, but...life still goes on. Believe me, people don't take as much notice to your face as you do. Keep that in mind.

They wont understand. I feel like if I talk to someone, they will think I'm pathetic and weak minded, they will think acne is no big deal. Yeh, life can be full of joy and happiness, but honestly in my life at the moment I have very little to be happy about. I do realise that people probably don't take as much notice to my face as I do, but it doesn't change my feelings, it still makes me feel insecure and ugly, I guess I can't think rationally about it. Anyway, thanks for the comments/advice.

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You really should talk to someone, mx123. Depression is no joke, especially when you make comments aout not wanting to live, etc. I have suffered with acne for a long time, but as bad as it ever gets, it is certainly no reason to want your life to end. Life is so full of joy and happiness - your acne doesn't have as much of an effect as you think it does. I'm not belittling your feelings, because I have had my low points crying in front of the mirror myself, but...life still goes on. Believe me, people don't take as much notice to your face as you do. Keep that in mind.

They wont understand. I feel like if I talk to someone, they will think I'm pathetic and weak minded, they will think acne is no big deal. Yeh, life can be full of joy and happiness, but honestly in my life at the moment I have very little to be happy about. I do realise that people probably don't take as much notice to my face as I do, but it doesn't change my feelings, it still makes me feel insecure and ugly, I guess I can't think rationally about it. Anyway, thanks for the comments/advice.

People your age might not understand, but someone who is trained in counseling will enable you to cope. When depressed, one is not completely rational. One is insecure, feels ugly or socially inept, shy, awkward. At least talk with your dermatologist. The dermatologist is an MD who can also prescribe anti-depressants if needed. If you are still in school, your school may have a counselor or even a school nurse you could talk to and find out where else to go for more help. If you get that help and take medication if needed...it is amazing how different you will feel. It happened to me. I'm not dreading each day. I wake up, have energy and get things done. I'm happy. It can happen for you, too!

:comfort:

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People your age might not understand, but someone who is trained in counseling will enable you to cope. When depressed, one is not completely rational. One is insecure, feels ugly or socially inept, shy, awkward. At least talk with your dermatologist. The dermatologist is an MD who can also prescribe anti-depressants if needed. If you are still in school, your school may have a counselor or even a school nurse you could talk to and find out where else to go for more help. If you get that help and take medication if needed...it is amazing how different you will feel. It happened to me. I'm not dreading each day. I wake up, have energy and get things done. I'm happy. It can happen for you, too!

:comfort:

I don't think counselling would really be an option, because it would mean having to tell my parents, and that is something I really can't do. I don't know why, but I just feel I can't let them know how depressed I feel.

I don't want to tell my dermatologist as he may not give me a second course of accutane then, and that might help me to get clear. Plus I wont be seeing him for another 2-3 months.

I have considered going to my GP, seeing if they can give me some anti-depressants or something, but something about it doesn't feel right. I don't want to feel fake happiness, I don't want to mask my real feelings. I almost feel like I'd rather be depressed than stuck on some meds that make me feel happy when I'm not, and have nothing to be happy about. Meh, I don't know what to do.

While I have said about wanting to take my life, I wouldn't do it. I couldn't do it to the people that care about me, I couldn't hurt them like that.

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mx123... i understand that it's difficult to seek help or talk to someone about it. But do it. Trust me. It helps sooo much. If you continue to keep your thoughts/problems bottled up inside, it can only make things worse and lead to other problems. I learned from experience. It's not normal to have these thoughts. Even if you go on antidepressants, it doesn't mean you'll be on them forever. It is just until you get back into the right frame of mind. Eventually things will look up and all that will be in your past. Your parents and family will support you... it's their job. You're their kid.

I hope you make the right decision. All of us on this board are here for support as well. :comfort:

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I've been reading on the internet, and a few sources have said anti-depressants can make acne worse which is something I don't really want to risk. :( Does anyone know if this is just particular anti-depressants or all of them?

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hi all :). i wish that in my life right now it would as simple as hitting the ':' and ')' key to smile. its not difficult to smile. a person can smile all they want but its not always what thier feeling inside. i have delt w/ acne for over 3 years and the combination of being shy and that has been a pretty hard fight for me. 4 months ago i started accutane and it has helped me so much, im actually starting to have beautiful skin! but the saying that beauty is only skin deep couldn't fit my situation any better. i been feeling so lost and down lately to the point where im not taking care of things i need to. i dont have much of a social life right now either manely because ive alienated and wierded out my friends. Im so miserble and i think its because of the accutane, or 'crackutane' as ive started calling it. ive been having even lower self-esteem then i did when i had acne. i feel like at work and with my friends that noone can figure me out and that everyone talks about how wierd and antisocial i act. everyone thinks i dont like them but the opposite couldnt be more true! i love these people and care about them and want to hug them, but i just cant express that for some reason. recently ive even managed to push away my dream guy, my DREAM GUY. seriously. he started noticing me and i him, we had some chemistry and things could have grown and been great but ive pushed him away by my wierdness. OK so what i want to know is if anyone else on here is or has been on accutane and has noticed a change in thier personality. i hope that i can blame all this on it!! peace and thanks guys for reading

OMG! I cant believe how much you sound like me. I can relate to you soooo much, except for having clear skin. Iam currently on my second month of Accutane and have not seen any dramatic results, but my Acne has effected just about all aspects of my life from going to school, to interacting with co-workers and just avoiding most social gatherings that friends or family members may invite me to. I dont even feel like cleaning my apartment, most of the time. The only thing that keeps me going is Music, Television and this website. I know that I am an attractive guy, but Acne is devastating and it has left a permanent scar(psychological) with me. I would say just do the things that make you happy and just take an extra step to surround yourself around friends and co-workers. There is a book that helps the Paranoia that I have with being surrounded around people. Maybe I can give the information soon.

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If you want look up some of my old posts (the best are in the thread "Should I Stop?" from sometime in February of this year).

I experienced a mixed state bipolar episode during my final months on Accutane. I was in and out of psychosis, unable to sleep and filled with an uncontrolable rage that led top me phsyically harming myself and breaking a few cell phones and dishes. While my skin cleared alomst instantly.......my mood became darker and darker.

I also had suicidal ideation, heard voices and was hallucinating.

Did Accutane do that to me? My cumulitive doage was twice that of the normal dosage....262.5mg/kg. I started entering a "funk" when I was taking 80mg. I only weigh 105lbs.....my highest dosage was 120mg in my sixth month. A funk is when I sleep 14 hours a day and I don't clean, do laundry, food shop, cook, pay bills, or do anything adult-like. I am not a stranger to these "funks," and as I get older they get worse and worse. There is another side to me....the side that drives too fast, and spends too much money....the one where I have "big" plans, where my thoughs race....ideas come so fast I write them down and before I am half way through another one pops up......

My attention span is reduced to that of a flea, and something like making a sandwich can take hours........

This was different. I was in a funk and sleeping my normal 14 hours a night....but then all of a sudden I couldn't sleep. My mind started racing, but I didn't have a flight of great ideas....they were dark and scary thoughts. I was becomming easily distracted and frustrated. I became irritable and agressive. Instead if having big plans I was planning my own death.

Did Accutane do that? Maybe, maybe not.....

I knew before Accutane that I was bipolar, even though I hadn't been diagnosed yet. My father and sister are, and I was no stranger to mania, depression or suicidal ideaation....even before Accutane.

I knew the risks and didn't inform my derm that I had these issues or a family history of mental illness. It was my choice. I knew to keep an eye out for changes in my behavior but I waited until the eleventh hour to get help (thanks Dan).

I got help before I could really hurt myself or someone else (burns and brusies from hitting my arm with a sharp edge of a ruler not included). I wasn't hospitilized, but I did get a diagnosis and medication.....now I see a therapist and have a psychiatrist (and a neurologist for some other issues the pysch meds brought out). I was told to keep taking the Accutane and finish my course (I only had four weeks left)....and my derm still doesn't know.....(yeah...I know I should tell him)....

I feel good. Not just because I'm manic. I'm not manic anymore.....maybe I'm hypomanic (but that's my "normal"). My skin is beautiful...clear and seemingly poreless.....it looks like a child's skin.

I look back at my decision to take Accutane, and knowing the risks....and I still think I made the right choice.

I found things out about myself that I may have taken years to find out.

If the Accutane did induce that episode.....it brought this "thing" to my attention, so I could start treating it.

If you know you are in a dark place.....please seek help...it's out there......

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All I have to say is... I agree. I feel like a different person... but there are other personal things going on in my life that have contributed to that. I honestly think I have lost touch with some friends and maybe even trust in others... it's weird... and really hard to explain. But yes, I feel it has effected me a bit.

I can say this though, but I am also suffering a tremendous amount of hair loss due to accutane so that could be the overall cause of the depression and mood swings I'm going through right now. So I dunno at this point.

take hope man. my cousin was on tane and had hair loss at the 6th month and it lasted for like 3 months after but then it started getting full again and now hes got great hair so it hopefully is not permanent! and if it is there is tons of new technology in hair regrowth and will continue to be more! hang in there :)

I used to think accutane affected me mentally/psychologically, but I'm not sure, I was always a little depressed. At some points, I actually felt better while on accutane because I thought it would give me clear skin and everything would get better. Since stopping accutane, I have felt really depressed, I guess it's kind of the final realisation that it hasn't worked for me. Most days I will just breakdown and start crying and I feel so hopeless and that there is no point in living, I honestly feel like killing myself when I'm at that point. I've been having "panic attacks" too which is something I've never really had before. Meh, I'm a mess at the moment to be honest.

omg. that really sadens me to hear that. its good your talking about it but please get some help if you havent already. what your saying about your not sure accutane has affected you maybe it really has but you just started thinking its you because of the tane, you know what i mean? sorry confusing lol :think:

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You really should talk to someone, mx123. Depression is no joke, especially when you make comments aout not wanting to live, etc. I have suffered with acne for a long time, but as bad as it ever gets, it is certainly no reason to want your life to end. Life is so full of joy and happiness - your acne doesn't have as much of an effect as you think it does. I'm not belittling your feelings, because I have had my low points crying in front of the mirror myself, but...life still goes on. Believe me, people don't take as much notice to your face as you do. Keep that in mind.

They wont understand. I feel like if I talk to someone, they will think I'm pathetic and weak minded, they will think acne is no big deal. Yeh, life can be full of joy and happiness, but honestly in my life at the moment I have very little to be happy about. I do realise that people probably don't take as much notice to my face as I do, but it doesn't change my feelings, it still makes me feel insecure and ugly, I guess I can't think rationally about it. Anyway, thanks for the comments/advice.

People your age might not understand, but someone who is trained in counseling will enable you to cope. When depressed, one is not completely rational. One is insecure, feels ugly or socially inept, shy, awkward. At least talk with your dermatologist. The dermatologist is an MD who can also prescribe anti-depressants if needed. If you are still in school, your school may have a counselor or even a school nurse you could talk to and find out where else to go for more help. If you get that help and take medication if needed...it is amazing how different you will feel. It happened to me. I'm not dreading each day. I wake up, have energy and get things done. I'm happy. It can happen for you, too!

:comfort:

Thank you Wynne! I was going to reply to this one but you said it great. I agree you cant really talk to your friends because they are too busy living thier own lives and dont want to listen to you whine about your acne or other probs but talking to somebody mature helps. You know what else helps is helping other people. It really takes the focuse of yourself

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It messed me up mentally and emotionally that I regret not telling my BF. Do NOT keep it from ppl who are close to you and your Dr. I regret that so much. I could've been on an anti-depressant while on it. But after my course, I feel so much better now and normal like before.

Seriously, depression is the worst feeling ever. Don't let that get to you!!

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I've been reading on the internet, and a few sources have said anti-depressants can make acne worse which is something I don't really want to risk. :( Does anyone know if this is just particular anti-depressants or all of them?

(1) Take anti-depressants with the chance your acne may get a bit worse, but you'll feel much better

-or-

(2) Don't take anti depressants, still have acne to the point where it bothers you and feel so horrible that you think about ending your own life constantly.

Hmmm....seems like a no brainer to me.

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I've been reading on the internet, and a few sources have said anti-depressants can make acne worse which is something I don't really want to risk. :( Does anyone know if this is just particular anti-depressants or all of them?

(1) Take anti-depressants with the chance your acne may get a bit worse, but you'll feel much better

-or-

(2) Don't take anti depressants, still have acne to the point where it bothers you and feel so horrible that you think about ending your own life constantly.

Hmmm....seems like a no brainer to me.

I know it seems like 1 is the obvious choice, but I'd rather just put up with it than having my acne get worse to be honest.

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I've been reading on the internet, and a few sources have said anti-depressants can make acne worse which is something I don't really want to risk. :( Does anyone know if this is just particular anti-depressants or all of them?

(1) Take anti-depressants with the chance your acne may get a bit worse, but you'll feel much better

-or-

(2) Don't take anti depressants, still have acne to the point where it bothers you and feel so horrible that you think about ending your own life constantly.

Hmmm....seems like a no brainer to me.

I know it seems like 1 is the obvious choice, but I'd rather just put up with it than having my acne get worse to be honest.

But what if it gets worse to the point that you can't "put up with it"? You're a young kid and sometimes, young people don't always have the best judgement. Take it from someone who has been there and done that. Take it from someone who thought she had everything under control until one day she woke up in a psych hospital after trying to kill herself. Take it from someone who has bad acne, is on accutane and also just recently decided to go back on anti-depressants (after being off for 6 years) due to the way I've been feeling lately. Dude - seriously, you need to talk to someone and think about getting on some meds. I've been on Zoloft for a bit now and have not seen any difference in my acne, but have felt a major difference in my mood. Take my word for it. Don't go this alone.

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I've been reading on the internet, and a few sources have said anti-depressants can make acne worse which is something I don't really want to risk. :( Does anyone know if this is just particular anti-depressants or all of them?

(1) Take anti-depressants with the chance your acne may get a bit worse, but you'll feel much better

-or-

(2) Don't take anti depressants, still have acne to the point where it bothers you and feel so horrible that you think about ending your own life constantly.

Hmmm....seems like a no brainer to me.

I know it seems like 1 is the obvious choice, but I'd rather just put up with it than having my acne get worse to be honest.

But what if it gets worse to the point that you can't "put up with it"? You're a young kid and sometimes, young people don't always have the best judgement. Take it from someone who has been there and done that. Take it from someone who thought she had everything under control until one day she woke up in a psych hospital after trying to kill herself. Take it from someone who has bad acne, is on accutane and also just recently decided to go back on anti-depressants (after being off for 6 years) due to the way I've been feeling lately. Dude - seriously, you need to talk to someone and think about getting on some meds. I've been on Zoloft for a bit now and have not seen any difference in my acne, but have felt a major difference in my mood. Take my word for it. Don't go this alone.

Ok, I guess you are right. Maybe it will eventually get to the point where I can't cope with it, and it does seem to be getting worse and worse if I'm honest. I think I will go to the doctors and see what they say.

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Im in a similar situation as to the depression and not sure if to blame roaccutane or not. Because I have been slightly depressed before but I seem to think its different now.

Im sure the drug changes something but I dont know if its the fear of worrying it may have but I have heard loads of stories and people sufferring form it and their is no explanation of how the drug actually works.

I know what its like to smile but feel false. It makes the situation worse being concious of it.

Im so self concious. Be careful of anti-depressants though as I felt (Paxil) made me much worse and some are known to cause suicidal tendancies.

Dont be afraid to speak about how you feel.(im not one to talk as i dont want to upset or worry my parents). But holding it in will make the situation more worse in the long run.

No matter how small the issue is, anything bothering you should be dealt with because once your in the depressed state everything just gets out of hand. Lately I have started developing panic attacks and they really frustrated me alot.

Im trying natural stuff like Omega 3 and diet but its impossible to keep up a diet and tempted to try ad's but scared of the side effects such as more anxiousness and agitation etc. Restlessness.

I actually had panic attacks on paxil that were worse than not taking it.

Anyway Just want to say its good to know im not the only one and im sure we will look back and realise what we went through was just a rough phase and move on and become much stronger.

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I also used to worry about anti-depressants causing acne. Dont drive yourself crazy like I did with holding yourself back because of hearing stories of side effects. Most of them arent true or affect 1%.

I was on zoloft and didnt get any acne...heck I was on zoloft while on Roaccutane in 2004.

It helped my mood alot but still didnt seem to help all of my depression but helped me cope. Didnt like stopping it though as the withdrawals arent nice but if you do it slowly you'll be fine.

Before trying anti-depressants your best of trying councelling, Exercising 30 mins every day, EFT Tapping (www.tapping.com) or alternative therapies...I see you tried 5-htp and I thought it helped for a few days but then stopped and wasnt sure if it was a placebo either but yeh its frustrating. St johns wort can be helpful and helped me for a good month than I dont remember why I stopped it...I think I was concerned it can intereact with other meds (I was on roaccutane)

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