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Bread is dangerous!

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Research on bread indicates that:

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!

6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.

7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.

8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.

9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.

11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

In light of these frightening statistics, it has been proposed that the following bread restrictions be made:

1. No sale of bread to minors.

2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.

3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.

4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.

5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.

This article was written by B.S. Wheatberry in a desert after consuming mass quantities of yeast bread then realizing his canteen was empty. (seriously :P )

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8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.

9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

lolollollll :lol:

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Although I competely agree that bread should definitely not be used as a dietary staple (there are so many other wonderful great substitutes (beans, lentils), the survey was funny.

Research on Chairs indicate:

- More than 80% of convicted felons in the world use chairs.

- Fully HALF of all children who use chairs score below average on standardized tests!

- In the 18th century, when chairs were just beginning to be readily available in the US, the infant mortality rates were unacceptably high and MANY women died in childbirth! Perhaps chairs change the body's structure?

--Get this: More than 99% of extremely violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of sitting in a chair.

-- Chairs are made of a substance called "plastic and metal." As little as one lb of metal can crush an insect -- Yet people use these monstrocities each day!!?!?

-- Primitive societies who have never used a chair have hardly any cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis. --- Something sound fishy??

-- Chairs have been proven to be extremely addictive. People deprived of chairs and told to stand begged for chairs after as little as 12 hours!!

-- Chairs are often a "gateway" item, leading the user to "harder" items such as beds, hammocks and even Lay-Z-boy recliners.

-- Chairs have been proven to promote relaxation. Since the average person is usually on his feet for more tha 8 hours a day, it follows that using a chair could promote relaxation, weight-gain, sleepiness, laziness and even sleep.

-- Newborn babies can choke on the small, hazardous pieces that have the potential to fall off chairs.

-- Metal chairs are liquified and shaped in vats of liquid aluminum and plastic where temperatures exceed 500 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can incinerate an adult in less than 30 seconds.

-- Most American chair users are completely unable to translate the significant scientific warning labels and the meaningless statistical babbling posted on the stickers which are stuck to the bottoms of their own chair.

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And once we've dealt with the menace of bread, we can address the dangerous prevalence of dihydrogen monoxide in everyday life. That stuff'll kill you!

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