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mystifire

sometimes i go over the edge

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Acne. It is the beginning of a string of problems i have. It has affected me less so physically than psychologically. My face may have zits and marks and some scars, but it is still the same for the most part. Psychologically i have completely changed. The way i communicate with people, the way i act, the way i talk. Its like I now do whatever i can to avoid attention but then do whatever I can to get it so i can feel better. I will sometimes just get so frustrated at school when acne crosses my mind that I get up and switch the seat I am sitting in with an empty one in the class. Other times I will lean over my chair and put my hands on my head, hoping someone will get up and ask me what is wrong. Do i tell them the truth? of course not. I have been completely still and tears go down my face but i do not look sad at all and then people ask what is wrong. I say nothing. I have laughed hysterically at things that arent funny just so people will look at me but will turn away so they wont see my eyes. My entire psyche has changed, changed into this state where I dont want anyone to notice me yet i want someone to talk to, I want someone to help me but never want to look them in their eye.

Today I was in class and was completely normal when i saw out of the corner of my eye someone looking at my face and not saying anything. was he looking at my acne? maybe. Just then though, I realized i just cant be taken seriously and whenever anyone has looked at me they have notice my acne. everyone. the looks from my teachers, friends, family, doctors, strangers, the mailman, the school's front desk lady, our substitute teachers. They all dont see me. right then i just threw a tantrum, got up, was shaking, trying to just scream at the top of my lungs, instead threw the paper on my desk to the floor and broke my pencil and all this other stuff. I got sent out of the class, needless to say, but have realized today that i cannot do this anymore. I cannot fight with this other person I have inside me.

My biggest fear right now is that accutane wont help what i am feeling, it wont change my psyche. It can make my face clear, but not change what REALLY is bothering me. I dont know what to do.

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Hey man, I'm in the same boat.

Although I'm sure accutane will improve my confidence tenfold, I feel I may have developed some underlying issues concerning body image.

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confidence means nothing to me if i cant seem to begin feeling like my normal self. I truly feel as if i am losing my mind.

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Here's my favourite saying , I tell myself this all the time .. "Life's to short" ; And it's dam true! . I won't let acne stop me from doing things , if someone doesn't like it or thinks i'm ugly then screw them , I don't need them I already have freinds! .

Acne has made me grow up alot faster then normal , I feel alot more independant and responsible . Infact I think for someone with acne I have to much confidence but oh well ... "Life's to short" , I could die tomorrow so i'm gonna get high on life every single day.

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Have you tried yoga or meditation.

Speaking from years of experience with self hate and self consciousness about my physical appearance,

I have never felt more beautiful or more at peace with myself than until I started meditaiting for 20 minutes every morning, and practicing yoga 2 to 3 times a week.

If you want your sanity back and more - try it, please,

best of luck - you are beautiful, regardless of how your skin looks, please remember that and people will respond to you differently when you can look them in the eye and show them the soul behind your eyes,

show them that you are more than your skin!

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