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Justin Time

I Hate Myself and I Want to Die

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Now I am not gonna go all emo on you guys, but I absolutly avoid mirrors and bright lighting, I usually have a good time but sometimes I just I could hide in a dark room alone forever. And I know the reason I probably have severe acne is because I touch it so much (my forehead is covered with bangs and I never touch it and it is absolutely acne free), but I just can't stop myself from wanting to lash back at the things that cause me so much suffering. I look in the mirror (when I can force myself) and I know I'd be irresistable with clear skin, but I just can't see past the large angry red swellings. And though I dress preppy I am sure everyone at school thinks I am uncleanly or eat nothing but junk food but they would never understand.

No I don't really want to kill myself, but go on and have fun with the emo jokes I just needed to spew this out because no one else in the world knows this about me and I am sick of the fake confidence and jokes when I really have such hatred for this skin disease that no one can stop. Modern scientists can cure fucking cancer but they can't do anything at all about acne.

I am telling you now that I would rather have AIDS for the next ten years of my life and then die then waste the prime of my life ages 15-35 fighting acting and never again having girlfriends or confidence and then when its over be whithered and have wrinkles.

Maybe other people feel the same, I dunno, I just need to get this off my chest. And my face. And shoulders. And back.

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Now I am not gonna go all emo on you guys, but I absolutly avoid mirrors and bright lighting, I usually have a good time but sometimes I just I could hide in a dark room alone forever. And I know the reason I probably have severe acne is because I touch it so much (my forehead is covered with bangs and I never touch it and it is absolutely acne free), but I just can't stop myself from wanting to lash back at the things that cause me so much suffering. I look in the mirror (when I can force myself) and I know I'd be irresistable with clear skin, but I just can't see past the large angry red swellings. And though I dress preppy I am sure everyone at school thinks I am uncleanly or eat nothing but junk food but they would never understand.

No I don't really want to kill myself, but go on and have fun with the emo jokes I just needed to spew this out because no one else in the world knows this about me and I am sick of the fake confidence and jokes when I really have such hatred for this skin disease that no one can stop. Modern scientists can cure fucking cancer but they can't do anything at all about acne.

I am telling you now that I would rather have AIDS for the next ten years of my life and then die then waste the prime of my life ages 15-35 fighting acting and never again having girlfriends or confidence and then when its over be whithered and have wrinkles.

Maybe other people feel the same, I dunno, I just need to get this off my chest. And my face. And shoulders. And back.

What have you done tried for getting rid of it?

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I think you might want to look into Accutane. I have had acne for over 10 years and never thought it was "bad enough" to use it, but now I'm going to try to get it. Otherwise I dont think its ever going to go away. I think if whatever you have on your face/ body upsets you that much, take a bold move and try to get the drug that will really make it go away.

Also by the way dont be too hard on yourself about "causing" your acne by touching it, I dont think thats the cause.

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Now I am not gonna go all emo on you guys, but I absolutly avoid mirrors and bright lighting, I usually have a good time but sometimes I just I could hide in a dark room alone forever. And I know the reason I probably have severe acne is because I touch it so much (my forehead is covered with bangs and I never touch it and it is absolutely acne free), but I just can't stop myself from wanting to lash back at the things that cause me so much suffering. I look in the mirror (when I can force myself) and I know I'd be irresistable with clear skin, but I just can't see past the large angry red swellings. And though I dress preppy I am sure everyone at school thinks I am uncleanly or eat nothing but junk food but they would never understand.

No I don't really want to kill myself, but go on and have fun with the emo jokes I just needed to spew this out because no one else in the world knows this about me and I am sick of the fake confidence and jokes when I really have such hatred for this skin disease that no one can stop. Modern scientists can cure fucking cancer but they can't do anything at all about acne.

I am telling you now that I would rather have AIDS for the next ten years of my life and then die then waste the prime of my life ages 15-35 fighting acting and never again having girlfriends or confidence and then when its over be whithered and have wrinkles.

Maybe other people feel the same, I dunno, I just need to get this off my chest. And my face. And shoulders. And back.

Hi Justin,

There was a guy in my school who was absolutely covered in acne, especially his neck and lower face, really big ones but he walked around the school with a friendly/couldn't care less look on his face and his head held high and all the girls thought he was gorgeous. He wasn't a smart ass or anything, just nice but in a 'taking no prisoners kind of way'. In fairness now, you could see he was a good looking enough fella behind the spots, but I know for a fact if he had kept his head down, lookin up at us from under his eyebrows, no one would have noticed anything about him other than the spots and his shyness! I have tried to follow his example, and it does work a bit, even if natural confidence in not in bred in me - I now realise that if you act like you don't really like yourself, then people will start looking for other things about you to confirm the message that you are putting out! Act (in your head), like you would if you had no acne, and in the case of anyone who teases/disrespects you cos of it, like they are nothing better than dirt on your shoe for being so shallow!

I know how you feel about staying in a dark room all day! but it is your choice - you can get up and give the big bad world a friendly look in the eye and dare it to dis you or you can invite it to dis you by scowling and hiding! Remember when you stand up to a bully, he/she usually backs down. I think the world is a bit like that but you have to persevere!

Also, you become so tough. You can choose to enjoy the parts of your life that are good to you and *** the rest - just plod on through them! I don't feel sorry for myself anymore - life is short - its not like you have to put up with life forever so we might as well look on it as an experiment / making a documentary in real time! And you never know what is around the corner - I was almost suicidal and taking accutane and then once lunchtime I went for a walk and met my husband of now 8 years. Since then I have had a child and have gone back to college and finished a degree in what I have always wanted to do. Nobody would have said I was the type of person that that kind of thing would happen to. My room mate in my 20's said I was probably born sad and moany! Oh thanks! I wasn't really- its just that she was born under a bloody all singing and dancing star and wouldn't know a problem if it hit her in the face - but we got on great!

Please give that irrisistable fella under there a fighting chance - you can hone that great personality that comes shining through your message, while your waiting for your face to get used to itself or clearing up, which ever comes first!!

Anyway, sorry for blabbing on. I wish you the best of luck.

also, if you do go on Accutane, please remember if you get depressed, it because of the drug - it can really get you down even though your skin will be almost perfect after a few months. I got very depressed and didn't know why.

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