Jump to content
Acne.org
Search In
Find results that contain...
Find results in...
zoe319

who you really are...vs. who you are with acne!

Recommended Posts

I am about to start my first course of accutane after...hmm...7 years of putting up the good fight...with acne. Blah blah blah tried topicals blah blah blah.

I think the thing that kills me the most about acne is looking back how much it stopped me from doing. Even admitting it here anonymously online makes me feel like such a cop-out loser. Actually especially admitting it and looking back on how many nights ive canceled on my friends just because i felt so ugly, or all the unnecessary times ive rushed home so i could shower and clean my face and reapply all my makeup before i go out again just because i felt like i was hiding this big ugly secret. its even worst in relationships...i mean..in a way i guess it helps because im so hesitant to sleep over and get too physical in the beginning just because i pretty much dont want a guy to see me in the morning with smudged makeup. ive become so self-conscious of everything...of lighting...of going outside when its bright and overcast....of looking at people in the face. my last boyfriend got mad at me because he thought i had trust and intimacy issues because i wouldnt let him see me without makeup on.

argh. i dont even know if its a good thing or bad thing that im in an industry where i technically have to be considered to be attractive to be in. while its a self esteem boost in a way its also that i feel like im living a big, fat lie all the time. i wake up in the morning and i cant see anything but the acne...its like this disgusting disease that just renders you unrecognizeable inside and out. its funny that so many of the friends would agree that im generally a shy, conservative person with my partying and going out and impulsiveness...and whats tying me back...? my SKIN!!!

sometimes i rethink my last years with acne in the context of not having acne and think of all the crazy things ive done differently. i would have stayed out all hours, i would have slept over at my boyfriends house more, met more guys, not do dumb shit like try avoiding outside activities because i was so ashamed of appearing in public without the veil of soft lights and good makeup. i wouldnt have worried about whether or not my makeup was running when i was exploring new countries or be terrified of how id look after i left the beach every summer. acne is this dirty secret that im continually hiding and im so sick of it. i know all the old adage about everything...and honestly i know for a fact that im loved and happy and that none of it has to do with my skin. in fact the fact that im that worked up and blame so much of my avoidance of so many possibilities on acne probably means im just a really paranoid person in general. if so, then, why this? i just want to live my life. people without acne could never, ever understand how having this disease feel.

sorry i just needed to rant. im missing out on going out tonight because i broke out horribly, and i feel disgusting, and i have a cold. just want the accutane...just want to be clear. after 7 years it s time.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
i don't know who i am because acne destroyed the real me , even if i got cleared up it still would have affected my emotional state and leave a permanent scar :(

I know what you really meant. For the past years, i changed so much. I don't know who i am anymore. And as i get older every year, i find it even tougher to get to know myself...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

acnes affected every part of my life :(, things people without acne, and im sure many with could never understand, its affected my family relationships, relatioships with friends, i feel its made me a much worse person whose cold and full of anger, its even affected my basketball, just the full lack of self confidence in my apearance affected my performance on the court which is fucked up. Im getting clear now and mainly have redmarks after a course of accutane but I doublt Il ever be the same.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'd be the same, except i wouldn't think about acne as much. I started getting acne about 1.5 years ago and i think i'm pretty much the same as before i had it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The real me would be still quiet shy but not as much , more talkitive more smiling , more wanting to be out and around people , more happy and confident with my self , more dressy more out there and close to anyone while talking , more cuter prettier..hotter? not really but cuter....more...my self? real self..nothing to afraid of around people or in public..no stupid voices in my head..asking me of what others could be thinking of me , no more looking at each mirror i walk by or stop infront mirrors to check my self , no more carrying my stupid small mirror to check my self under every light , no more feeling depressed seeing others with clear skin or alot less acne than i have , no more putting make up and worrying about my skin and how it looks , no more waking up an hour or two earlier from the time i should wake up to leave to work.school.just out with friends or family , no more family yelling at me for being late to go out , no more of spending money on my face and spending more money on clothes or stuff i REALLY want , no more being inside this house for most of the day , no more worrying about my face and do more for my body , hair or style of clothing or just focuse on my other lfie issues..family issues or just simple ENJOY LIFE ......

-.-....good to let all this out.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Before I had acne I'd be really talkative, usually a funny person to be around...

But for the past few months at school, some days I just didn't even feel like trying. I just like striking up conversations with people I don't know, but its really hard to do when your face is full of acne and you think that's all theyre staring at when you talk to them. Obviously they aren't, but its a mental thing for me... I know its there and its hard to concentrate on anything else.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Without....I get on with my life. Go out and do the things I wanna do. With, just become a recluse.

It kills just that little bit more when it comes back again. It's like nothing you do can really get rid of these ba$tards.

It affects all friendships/relationships. Right now I just feel I can't commit to anyone cos I know it's just lurking around the corner ready to bring me down again.

Somethings gotta work eventually though...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My skin was at its absolute best while I was in texas all summer. I was happier, didn't spend forever applying and reapplying makeup, was much more confident as a trainer. I've never been the super outgoing type, and I'm pretty sure clear skin wouldn't change that, but I think that's ok. Going out to bars, I was more confident to dress up a little more and not feel like everyone thought i was overcompensating for my face (that sounds weird) and overall I was probably a lot less sarcastic, hahaha.

Fast forward to coming back to Ohio, skin got worse. It takes longer now to get comfortable with new people and my shyness is much more apparent. I'm still training, but with acne I guess I don't always feel the part because it makes me look younger and its a slap in the face to the healthy lifestyle I'm trying to introduce my clients too.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I know exactly what you mean. When I have clear skin days my confidence levels soar and people even notice the difference in my personality. When I have a breakout I am shy and reserved.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I know that when my acne was bad it my teens it absolutely destroyed me, I'd sometimes start to sweat when talking to somebody new if I thought they were looking at my skin, I just wanted to hide.

But you know, life is a big journey, sometimes the bad things that happen, happen for a reason and in time we can look back and realise how much we've learned from them.

Hold your heads high, smile, even for the sake of smiling. It might just help you getting lost along the way.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I know that when my acne was bad it my teens it absolutely destroyed me, I'd sometimes start to sweat when talking to somebody new if I thought they were looking at my skin, I just wanted to hide.

But you know, life is a big journey, sometimes the bad things that happen, happen for a reason and in time we can look back and realise how much we've learned from them.

Hold your heads high, smile, even for the sake of smiling. It might just help you getting lost along the way.

is your name maverick or does it stand for something?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
without acne i have much more confidence. I don't feel too hidious.

with acne i feel too ugly to live.

Aww - you should never think that. I know what you mean, but you are a cool person so you deserve to live!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

i'm so glad that people understand...if anything this site makes me feel so not alone and (as horrible as it is) a little more sane knowing that people are out there trying all sorts of crazy shit and extreme regimens when everyone i live with think i'm crazy for buying so many skin care products and trying to order these vitamins and whatnot. i'll post my link to the accutane log once i start on dec. 27th. god i can't wait...it's like...not even funny....i don't know what i'll do if that shit doesn't work for me!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
i dont know who i am becasue acne destroyed the real me , even if i got cleared up it still would have affected my emotional state and leave a permanent scar :(

Couldnt have said it better. I will never be the "Real Me" agian. Fucken shit

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

i know people must think i'm boring and have no personality but its not my fault i'm self-conscious of how i look!

if my skin looked better, i would probably be like the cool guy I am on the forum :P

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
if my skin looked better, i would probably be like the cool guy I am on the forum :P

:eh:

:razz:

me with acne: i would ignore you

me without acne: "HEY!!!!, come here you! come here you! (you walk to me) I'M GONNA KICK YOUR BUTT!"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
if my skin looked better, i would probably be like the cool guy I am on the forum :P

:eh:

:razz:

me with acne: i would ignore you

me without acne: "HEY!!!!, come here you! come here you! (you walk to me) I'M GONNA KICK YOUR BUTT!"

I think either way i would ignore.... just with acne the person im ignoring wouldnt care and continue bothering me with out acne and its like a slap to the face to the person i would ignore.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
if my skin looked better, i would probably be like the cool guy I am on the forum :P

:eh:

:razz:

me with acne: i would ignore you

me without acne: "HEY!!!!, come here you! come here you! (you walk to me) I'M GONNA KICK YOUR BUTT!"

I think either way i would ignore.... just with acne the person im ignoring wouldnt care and continue bothering me with out acne and its like a slap to the face to the person i would ignore.

same here i ignore stupid people. its not even worth my time arguing with them.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

well i have moderate to severe acne, and it completely covers my face so needless to say its very noticable and makes me look entirely different to how i would if i still had clear skin, so people associate me with this stuff they see all over me.. i feel like they are missing who is actually behind it..

i think people see me as a sarcasticly humorous and dry person, a lazy person who can never come through on anything wether it be a course of studies, a job or friends. i've let so many things go because of acne, career choices, opportunities, and most of all i've let some really good friends down. ive become so brilliant at fashioning the most enormous and fantastic lies over the past 7 years that it's become second nature to carve out a life that involves as little as possible interaction bar with people who i know i dont have to put on a show for.

however its not because im lazy or a naturally depressive person that i've wasted so many chances in my life, its because every time i try to make an effort at something, im faced with a situation which absolutely destroys my confidence because no matter how many good people there are out there who may have the ability to see you for who are without prejudice they are few and far between and very hard to find and the world is generally made up of very unforgiving people, who stare and pass uneducated comments and just make life so incredibly difficult, and no matter how strong i have become because of this disease, nobody and i mean nobody should have to put up with being constantly bombarded with other's ignorance, its tiresome and eventually i will always reach a point of relapse where i find myself so damn sick of it and unable to cope...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Who I really am: A muscular heavy weight boxing champion with golden locks, blue eyes, and a goatee. I drive a ferrari, and wherever I go, women throw themselves at me, asking to bear my child.

Who I am with acne: Someone with too much time on their hands.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I have changed A LOT! I am no more the feisty halfway bold gal I used to be. Now I'm quiet and isolated - all due to acne.

My old friend even told me that some time ago. "Rikke, what happened? You're not at all like you used to be?" She hadn't seen me for a while.

Kinda depressing :confused:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


  • Personalized Advice Quiz - All of Acne.org in just a few minutes


×