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i can relate so well to what you are saying, i struggle from lack of confidence as well.... its not so much my acne, which is mild to begin with, but myself that i have such a hard time accepting.

i feel like i'm stuck in this self-imposed impasse....but....change doesnt have to be big. small, little ones can make the most difference and lead up to greater things. this is what i tell myself anyway. the best thing to do is start small. getting things in perspective, maybe figuring out some goals are important...not necessarily acne, since that doesnt seem to be the root of it, but life goals. taking the first few steps are the hardest, but you'll get there. explore opportunity, see what fits. i wish you luck!

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I can relate to lack of motivation, but think about it this way:

when you push yourself to do something that you don't want to do, you feel good right? after you've done it and got it over with. Compare that to when you are unhapppy with something and you just don't do anything at all, you don't feel as good.

Actually, it's kind of creepy, from what I did read of your story, you sound a lot like how I was (or how I still am now) I'm trying to get over things too, and I also feel like others think I'm a failure so don't worry your arn't alone.

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i can totally relate to a lot of that. i have a avoident personality especially if im feeling insecure. i push people away a lot, my problems probably more mental than anything else also, cause if im honest, my skin isnt that bad, its mild, but even when im 100% clear, i dont change, i dont become happier, something always holds me back, all my fears and experiences, and problems and history, it just doesnt go away, cause overtime, one problems become many problems. its hard to deal with and feels really complicated. i have a problem with motivation too, i really do. which is stupid cause when i do something, like finish an essay, organise something, go out partying, i always feel good about myself. its just working up the energy to get there in the first place. next year though, i swear, im doing something about this mess, another year of this year is not something im willing to go through.

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I'm so sorry that you are so unhappy.

I know it sounds really American of me... but have you thought about seeing a therapist? You're really articulate and smart, and you have been thinking these things through for a while now.

On the other hand.... depression can be a side effect of Accutane, and maybe you should go back and ask your derm about this? It might be exascerbating it, at least.

You sound like you've really been working on figuring yourself out, and now it's time to take the next step.... there only needs to be one, like sixfeetunder said... you could talk to someone, or sign up for a class, or call one of your friends to come over. If you just do one thing, you might feel better and the good stuff might start snowballing!

Anyway, be hopeful- you really do sounds thoughtful and smart, and it's hard to believe someone like that could just be such a "failure" as you seem to think you are :).

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Guest ilovepancakes

i keep struggling with this issue myself. Over the past four years of highschool ive had only a handful of people that i could even consider friends. For me, i struggled bc all my junior high friends got big into music and drugs. and i separared from them and basically didnt do anything or have any friends forever. it took me a while but i think im starting to finally turn my depression around. im trying to talk to anyone i can, and be more friendly even if i look like shit. getting involved in track and field has also kept me going. Also the Org has helped a ton.

i hope you feel better real soon. and remember we are here for ya :)

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i can totally relate to a lot of that. i have a avoident personality especially if im feeling insecure. i push people away a lot, my problems probably more mental than anything else also, cause if im honest, my skin isnt that bad, its mild, but even when im 100% clear, i dont change, i dont become happier, something always holds me back, all my fears and experiences, and problems and history, it just doesnt go away, cause overtime, one problems become many problems. its hard to deal with and feels really complicated. i have a problem with motivation too, i really do. which is stupid cause when i do something, like finish an essay, organise something, go out partying, i always feel good about myself. its just working up the energy to get there in the first place. next year though, i swear, im doing something about this mess, another year of this year is not something im willing to go through.

when you push yourself to do something that you don't want to do, you feel good right? after you've done it and got it over with. Compare that to when you are unhapppy with something and you just don't do anything at all, you don't feel as good.

Very true. I remember back in the beginning when I first had those feelings of anxiety and lack of confidence, I would still push myself to do things and as a result I had it under control somewhat because that motivation was still there. But then somehow I slipped into skipping out on things more often and avoiding stuff and so consequently, went out less and less and became more depressed because of that. It's like a viscious circle. I think it becomes addicting too, the less you do.. the more you put off doing other things. And then you end up in a right pickle. :confused: and you start to forget that pushing yourself to do something will make you feel much better, instead you end up focusing on just the bad things; like will people stare at me, what if someone tries to talk to me, what if it all goes wrong etc.. it just nags at the back of your mind the whole time. The tricky part is trying to break out of that state of mind and going for something even if it'll mean feeling a bit self conscious or anxious for a while, even though you know it's the right thing to do. That's where my problem lies, I've been giving in to all those worries and just avoiding facing my fears.. it makes me angry that I'm doing it but I still keep on doing it! It's like I'm at war with myself. One part of me is telling me to do something and the other part is trying to hold me back or change my mind.. and up til now that's the part that's been winning.

Thanks Rue, it does makes complete sense about the snowballing thing (I even said it myself but have failed to actually do it haha).. I think I will make a mental list of small tasks to do and actually set about doing them for once. New year, new start kind of thing. It's funny you should mention a therapist, I actually did get offered to go and talk to a psychiatrist, both my doctor and old school tried to persuade me into it, but I don't know... the idea really doesn't appeal to me too much. Maybe it would help but I just get the feeling it wouldn't, though it's probably just my anxiety telling me not to put myself in a situation where I have to talk to someone. You're right about the depression+acctuane link thing though but looking back to how I was before I was on it I really think that I was more depressed prior to it, I think I've forgotten how bad it really was. Accutane was basically my saviour :pray: and even though I'm still in a right mess now I don't know where I'd be now if I felt like this but still had the severe acne on top of it! Hopefully I'll be off accutane soon anyway, 9 bloody months!

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