Jump to content
Acne.org
Search In
Find results that contain...
Find results in...
elaine15

Trouble with Social Skills

Recommended Posts

I just don't get it. I try my best to be as friendly and nice and helpful as possible, try to start conversations with people, join clubs and try to actively participate in activities, and I still have like, 0 friends. What's more, its so obvious those people don't like me at all. I'm majorly depressed right now and just need to vent, my family doesn't understand, I have no friends to share my feelings with, but if I bottle this up any longer I think I'm gonna go crazy.

I've always been socially awkward since I was little. Never part of the 'popular' group, and always branded as the 'nerd', even though I don't even read or study that much. This continued throughout primary and high school, but luckily, I found a few close friends in high school, so I didn't really care about being unpopular nor was I concerned about all those people who doesn't like me or want to be associated with me (I'd say F* THEM to them at that point because I know I have my friends).

Then things went TOTALLY downhill since I entered college. This is my first year at college and the close friends I have had either moved to another city, or found a boyfriend, or made many new friends. To keep things short, we hardly talk to each other anymore. In an attempt to improve my social life, I joined clubs, and actually went to events. I used to be really really shy, but I understand that this needs to change and I'm a bit better now. The thing is, I'm quite talkative when I just meet a new person and don't know anything about them, because then I can get the conversation flowing by asking them questions. I consider myself quite social while starting in a new environment. I smile constantly and try to be as friendly as possible, helping the new people and such.

But the biggest problem is I just can't connect with people. Once they start to get used to the environment and meet other people in classes, they ALWAYS prefer talking to other people (no matter who) over me. Its like there's something wrong with me and connecting with people. I can talk about casual stuff with people and make acquaintances, but I know that once somebody comes along they'll be dying to get away from me by talking to the other person.

Has any of you guys experienced this? As in, unable to connect with people on a level deeper than 'acquaintance' level with ANYONE and others just plain prefer others over you no matter how hard or how good an impression you make? Also, if you are in a group, and you see a person (like me) kind of looking unable to blend in with the rest of the laughing, joking people in the group, would you actually avoid talking to that person in order to avoid being isolated from others as well?

Sorry for the long post. I really don't post alot, but this... I just cried and shouted at my mother for no reason today because I was so sad that all my efforts were just not working. I don't want to vent it out on my family, but I think I'll go crazy if I bottle all this up. I'm considering going counselling soon, because I must be doing something wrong with my social skills here.

Thanks for reading, I really appreciate it. Please post any experiences or opinions of my case here, I really need some sunshine in my life at the moment. Thanks everybody.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I know exactly how you feel,I'm the same!I just battle to connect with people and think of the right things to say.The only difference is I battle to talk to people I don't usually talk to,but i open up a bit more to people I know.I've tried so hard to overcome it,but I feel I'm making progress.

Some advice I can give though that has helped is that you must prepare things to talk about before you go out,prepare questions and things to say to people youre likely to meet.Also,socialising is meant to be a sub-concious thing apparently,and it takes time to develope this,if you try not to think too hard of things to say in the situation and just go with the flow,it does make it a bit easier and put less pressure on you.If you start doing it right,you will grow in confidence and this in turn should help you connect a lot better.

Link to post
Share on other sites

OMG Montoya thank you!!! I'm just so, so glad to see that I'm not the only one suffering from this. Humans are meant to be social animals and just imagine how sad and depressing it must be for one who cannot make deeper emotional connections with others.

'Going with the flow' comes natually to some people (actually to practically everyone I know), but it is the most difficult thing so far that I'm trying to master. I agree with you that preparing questions and stuff to say helps, but I make alot of effort asking people questions when I first meet them already, and this is precisely one of the reasons that I'm so depressed. Because I try so hard to be friendly at the beginning, and at the end people will still reject me when they start to 'blend' in with the group. The only time when I'm not a social outcast is when everyone is in a new situation and doesn't know each other, and I'm the one who tries to be all friendly and stuff. Then people will start to find others that they can joke and talk with, and I'm a social outcast once more.

Its like there's a barrier between me and others. I try to be nice and end up just being a failing tryhard. I just made my whole family so sad today for crying and yelling at the mother, and I'm not going to work tomorrow because I'm just not in the mood to face people at the moment. Thank you so much for your comment because I really need to have someone who understands my situation. Everyone around me just seems so socially adept that I wonder if there's just something wrong with me.

Just a question I really want answered though: say you are in a group, and you see a person kind of looking unable to blend in with the rest of the laughing, joking people in the group, would you actually avoid talking to that person in order to avoid being isolated from others as well?

I have discovered that once one person starts to isolate me from the conversation, the others all follow, as if they're afraid of being associated with me. Is this one of those unspoken rules of social etiqutte or something?!

Link to post
Share on other sites

I understand where you're coming from elaine. I find it hard to make new friends as well. I don't really feel down about it, I'm just an independent or loner type. In my expierence the older we get the harder it is to make new friends. People like to stick to their old friends, and often don't look or reach out for new friends. A lot of people get themselves so wrapped up in relationships that they don't make room for much time with friends, and probably do not look for new friends.

My advice to you: don't put so much pressure on yourself to make friends, if it happens great, but I would find it hard if I put pressure on myself to make new friends all the time. You can't really force a friendship, it just kind of happens over time. Also you may appear as too needy, try to act casual, don't try so hard to impress or land a friendship, just be casual and confident.

Also have lots of friends is nice, but is really a necessity. When it comes down to it you may just need to concentrate on yourself and do what you need to. Your education, career, and family are important too. Do you have a signifigant other? If no, perhaps this is all you truly need.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Erpatter, thank you for your comment! It is always encouraging to have someone offering their own experiences or advice in times like this (when I feel truly alone and think nobody understands me).

I'm sort of like you too. Loner type by personality. I didn't used to feel down about it because I was pretty happy just being by myself, but I have discovered that you can't really get through life like that. This is my first year in college and I just don't want to waste my time away by myself when I could try to learn social skills, because whether one likes to admit it or not, personality and social skills sometimes is far more important than actual ability or academic grades if you need to succeed in the working world. This is definitely one thing I learned this year - your boss may give you more chances to do harder projects if they like you.

I concentrate on my education and family alot, in fact, they are the only things I concentrate on my life because I have no close friends now. Neither do I have a significant other, guys have attempted to chase me in the past, but given up because, honestly, my problem is unable to make connections with people past the 'acquaintance' level, so obviously I can't make connections with those guys either. One date I went out with, the guy and I were desperately trying to know each other more by talking and asking questions, but we just couldn't bring it past anything deeper than the weather (LOL!), and we went back to the car and the car was REALLY silent when he drove me back home. The whole thing was like a joke, except its not funny to me at all and I feel like a complete loser at the end of it.

I'll take your advice and stop trying so hard. Except I sort of tried that before and people used to think I'm a complete snob or something because I didn't attempt to talk at all! But yeah, I'll try to act more casual and see what happens over time. Being causal and confident for me is easier said than done while it seems to be natural to most people. Do you have a significant other? And old friends that you've had for ages who are really close to you and could relie on no matter what? I wish I could adopt your attitude more - be loner/independent but be happy at the same time! But perhaps it is because you have a gf and close friends that you have this attitude! I would have this attitude too if I have those.

Rosiemarie - LOL I think you misunderstood me a lil bit. My problem is I can make small talk, but can't bring anything past the 'small talk' level with people. People will talk to me when I talk to them, but we won't develop into friends, and they won't contact me if they don't meet me. It is this sort of loneliness I'm talking about. But I understand you too, I used to be so shy that I don't bother making even small talk, but I feel that changing myself is really necessary now if I want to be happier and more successful.

Link to post
Share on other sites

yeah everything you said pretty much describes me. I try to be really friendly and nice to people, but same thing, I can't seem to make any new friends. I'm always the one who feels uncomfortable in a group. And when I see someone else who is the quiet one or who seems to not be connecting much with people, thats the person that I would rather talk to and forget everyone else.

I don't know what it is, i just think of it as theres something wrong with me or how im presenting myself, im in some sort of funk but I can't figure out what it is or how to get out of it.

My friend dragged me out to go out with him and 2 girls not to long ago. I wasn't being shy at all, i was talkin alot to the girl, and she seemed to really enjoy tlaking so she was very open and outgoing, but i knew she wasn't feeling me and was jus bein nice and wanted to go home. Then to no surprise she went home early before the other girl, so like an idiot i didn't wanna get in my friends way so I made a stupid excuse and was tryna get the hell outta there myself so I could leave my friend and the girl he was with alone.

I just recently breathed some light socially when a class mate asked me and another class mate to play basketball with him and his friends. Well i went and at 1st started to fit in but when the game started, I felt like the extra guy on the floor, like i was just a body filling up space, and I didn't play well at all. Basketball was always my sport but I quit after last yr but when I went to play with this kid and his friends It was my 1st time playing in a while, but I realized this wasn't the case, i played so poorly because I wasn't able to fit in.

Anyway he surprisingly called me to play with them again the following week, and this time I wasn't as tense, I was much looser and i played well and redeemed myself.

I was a complete social outcast until I started recently hangin out alil bit with some friends from class.. This is also my 1st yr in college.

Im in some progam where 4 out of my 5 classes I have the same kids in all of them. So in 4 of my classes im good because I have a few friends that are all in those 4 classes, but in my 5th class, math, every1 has their own friends in that class except me. Im the only kid who sits there and keeps to himself and doesn't talk at all.

It doesn't really bother me as much as it sounded like it bothered you, it used to bother me, but now it doesn't bother me much because i feel comfortable this way. I dont like alot of attention.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Elaine, I have no signifigant other. I am single, have been for a while. I'm looking for a mate just not finding the right one. I have a hard time of finding what I want. I'm looking for a mixture of looks, personality and intelligence. It happens to be a very difficult combination to find. I am not as confident as you think I am. I try to be confident, and may appear confident, but it's not always the case. I'm confident about my grades, my family, and the few friends I do have. When it comes to finding a signifigant other I wonder if it will ever happen. I've had my chances, but often I was so wrapped up in my acne and problems at the time I didn't cash in on them.

You are right, social skills are important in school and the workplace. Often it isn't how good you are at something, but who you know. I don't have a problem making friends with guys, that's pretty easy. I don't really make hang out on the weekend friends any more, just kind of work friends or school friends. To make friends that are guys, I just kind of joke around with them, it's easy enough. It's funny with women, I don't really know how to act around them most of the time. I don't know how to put them at ease and have fun like I'd like to.

That sounds like a bad date you had, I had a few like that. Where you went out to go out, but there weren't really any sparks there. You can't just create the sparks, they're either their or not I guess. Try joking around with people, get them to laugh and have fun. Everybody likes somebody who is funny, and smile too.

Link to post
Share on other sites

JMTuF1 - Your description of yourself is. totally. spot. on. I'm exactly the same as you, always the one who feels uncomfortable in a group no matter how friendly I try to be. And same here - I actually make deeper connections with others who are also quite left out. I'm thinking that there's something wrong with me or the way I'm presenting myself, and like you too, I honestly cannot figure out what's wrong with me.

In fact many of the guys who asked me out are the ones uncomfortable in a group too. That's why I though something was wrong with me - like asking myself why do I attract those type of people too? Am I inherently just a social outcast too? Why can I only make connections with them and not other, 'socially healthier' people? Yeah, getting a date is supposed to be fun but whenever I about that, I get down instead.

And that incident with the girl, absolutely spot on with my situation too. I know people are just being nice when they reply me but I know deep down, they can't wait to get away and, case proved, when somebody else comes along they'll instantly start talking to that other person. It really is a blow to your self-esteem, to know that you actually went out and tried, but failed completely because there seems to be something wrong with you or something.

But nice to know you're making progress. I realize when we do something and we feel less tense, our performance improves = people start looking at you in a new light instead of the social misfit, loser or whatever you call it. Then everything starts to sort of smooth out, they attempt to actually know you too, and if things go great, you'll fit in more with the group. Its making the first step or impression that is most important I guess. I really hope things will start to improve for you so you'll have a healthy social life. Right now I'm tryng hard working on my own social life haha!

In classes I talk to people too. But those 'friends' I talk to in classes, are merely acquaintances. We absolutely don't stay in touch outside of class. I'm not sure if those friends in your class are the same ones who asked you to play bball, but if it is, great! I'd be so happy if my 'friends' would invite me out with them somewhere.

It didn't used to bother me as well, only right after I entered college, after losing touch with my close friends, that I'm starting to notice I need to change. Because realize that social skills really is important in life and career, and it makes you happier too, if you know you're liked and have friends. I don't like a lot of attention too, but notice: I prefer a little attention but not no attention or negative attention :)

krugstoneco - *sigh* My trouble is, I have 0 truly good friend and heaps of acquaintances who are just trying to be nice when they talk to me.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I just don't get it. I try my best to be as friendly and nice and helpful as possible, try to start conversations with people, join clubs and try to actively participate in activities, and I still have like, 0 friends. What's more, its so obvious those people don't like me at all. I'm majorly depressed right now and just need to vent, my family doesn't understand, I have no friends to share my feelings with, but if I bottle this up any longer I think I'm gonna go crazy.

I've always been socially awkward since I was little. Never part of the 'popular' group, and always branded as the 'nerd', even though I don't even read or study that much. This continued throughout primary and high school, but luckily, I found a few close friends in high school, so I didn't really care about being unpopular nor was I concerned about all those people who doesn't like me or want to be associated with me (I'd say F* THEM to them at that point because I know I have my friends).

Then things went TOTALLY downhill since I entered college. This is my first year at college and the close friends I have had either moved to another city, or found a boyfriend, or made many new friends. To keep things short, we hardly talk to each other anymore. In an attempt to improve my social life, I joined clubs, and actually went to events. I used to be really really shy, but I understand that this needs to change and I'm a bit better now. The thing is, I'm quite talkative when I just meet a new person and don't know anything about them, because then I can get the conversation flowing by asking them questions. I consider myself quite social while starting in a new environment. I smile constantly and try to be as friendly as possible, helping the new people and such.

But the biggest problem is I just can't connect with people. Once they start to get used to the environment and meet other people in classes, they ALWAYS prefer talking to other people (no matter who) over me. Its like there's something wrong with me and connecting with people. I can talk about casual stuff with people and make acquaintances, but I know that once somebody comes along they'll be dying to get away from me by talking to the other person.

Has any of you guys experienced this? As in, unable to connect with people on a level deeper than 'acquaintance' level with ANYONE and others just plain prefer others over you no matter how hard or how good an impression you make? Also, if you are in a group, and you see a person (like me) kind of looking unable to blend in with the rest of the laughing, joking people in the group, would you actually avoid talking to that person in order to avoid being isolated from others as well?

Sorry for the long post. I really don't post alot, but this... I just cried and shouted at my mother for no reason today because I was so sad that all my efforts were just not working. I don't want to vent it out on my family, but I think I'll go crazy if I bottle all this up. I'm considering going counselling soon, because I must be doing something wrong with my social skills here.

Thanks for reading, I really appreciate it. Please post any experiences or opinions of my case here, I really need some sunshine in my life at the moment. Thanks everybody.

I didn't read anyone elses post in this thread, so if someone posted this already then Im sorry, but for some people its actually easier to find a boyfriend, or girlfriend more then it is to make friends (maybe it's quite a bit more easier for girls since theyre usually the ones being asked out)

A friend I used to know was like this actually. A lot of people didn't like her cause she was a slut and kind of snobby too, and outside of her "aquaintance" type friends, her boyfriend(s) were the only person she had and she was fine with that. Maybe you can try this and just go out with the next guy that asks you out, maybe it would be easier to make friends with his friends.

Anyways I, myself know what youre going through. It's not easy to become close friends with people that you just meet, or only see like once a week in class. I know what its like to want to be friends with someone, but that person already has his/her own "group" of friends, and you feel akward cause you dont know them or dont get along with them. But as long as youre trying (which you said you are) seriously you will eventually make at least one good friend, just always get out there, keep on joining clubs and maybe take an extra course in school. Cause no ones gonna make friends saying at home every night and not talk to anybody.

Link to post
Share on other sites

JMTuF1 - Your description of yourself is. totally. spot. on. I'm exactly the same as you, always the one who feels uncomfortable in a group no matter how friendly I try to be. And same here - I actually make deeper connections with others who are also quite left out. I'm thinking that there's something wrong with me or the way I'm presenting myself, and like you too, I honestly cannot figure out what's wrong with me.

In fact many of the guys who asked me out are the ones uncomfortable in a group too. That's why I though something was wrong with me - like asking myself why do I attract those type of people too? Am I inherently just a social outcast too? Why can I only make connections with them and not other, 'socially healthier' people? Yeah, getting a date is supposed to be fun but whenever I about that, I get down instead.

And that incident with the girl, absolutely spot on with my situation too. I know people are just being nice when they reply me but I know deep down, they can't wait to get away and, case proved, when somebody else comes along they'll instantly start talking to that other person. It really is a blow to your self-esteem, to know that you actually went out and tried, but failed completely because there seems to be something wrong with you or something.

But nice to know you're making progress. I realize when we do something and we feel less tense, our performance improves = people start looking at you in a new light instead of the social misfit, loser or whatever you call it. Then everything starts to sort of smooth out, they attempt to actually know you too, and if things go great, you'll fit in more with the group. Its making the first step or impression that is most important I guess. I really hope things will start to improve for you so you'll have a healthy social life. Right now I'm tryng hard working on my own social life haha!

In classes I talk to people too. But those 'friends' I talk to in classes, are merely acquaintances. We absolutely don't stay in touch outside of class. I'm not sure if those friends in your class are the same ones who asked you to play bball, but if it is, great! I'd be so happy if my 'friends' would invite me out with them somewhere.

It didn't used to bother me as well, only right after I entered college, after losing touch with my close friends, that I'm starting to notice I need to change. Because realize that social skills really is important in life and career, and it makes you happier too, if you know you're liked and have friends. I don't like a lot of attention too, but notice: I prefer a little attention but not no attention or negative attention :)

krugstoneco - *sigh* My trouble is, I have 0 truly good friend and heaps of acquaintances who are just trying to be nice when they talk to me.

Yea it was my class friends who asked me to play bball. At 1st it sucked because they were nothing but class aquaintences, but we have been playing basketball and goin out to eat lately, yestarday we went out us 4 to get lunch then work on a project but we wound up just hangin out the whole time and laughing all day.

Now I only have 2 close friends over here,( I have a very close fiend but he lives out in NJ kinda far fm here so i only see him a couple times a yr) who I hang out with here. 1 of them is very similar to me and is a worser social outcast than me, so its like we only hang out with each other cause thats all we got. This kid i knew him mad long, but he comes with a price. He talks to people i dont like so sometimes i get paranoid about him.

My other friend, the kid who had me go out with him and 2 girls. This kid is like a cousin, i knew him mad long since i was 4, and my parents and his parents r so close that growing up his parents were referred to as aunt and uncle and same thing for mine to him. Anyway this kid cmes over my house alot now, my mother loves the kid its like i dont exists when he's around. He is mad outgoing knows alot of people and I can't keep up. He doesn't mean to do it, but he's degrading to me alot because he's just on a level too high for me to reach.

I only feel comfortable around this kid cause its like hangin out wit my cousin cause he pretty much is my cousin, but he knows alot of people and knows how to conduct himself in a way that gets him alot of friends quickly and gets him known. He walks into a room and will have the crowds attention just like that. We're new in college and after the 1st 2 weeks he knew everybody as if he's been there forever, after the 1st 2 months i barely had even any aquaintances.

Now he knows so many people that sometimes its like he only calls me when he needs something.

He just is the way he is, Its not just that he's more outgoing than me but its just him you know. It's like its destiny. Even If i tried to be like him and act like him, i wouldn't be able to pull it off. It's like hes meant to be the way he is, and no matter what, i'm meant to be the way i am. gorwing up, and even recently my mom used to say to me "Matt why can't you be more like chris", or "matt chris is so outgoing and positive, thats why he's going to go places in life"

Ohh and i forgot to mention the funniest part of all. As much of a social outcast as I can be, i'm very good at attracting the wrong people. I dont know why and it just happens I can't help it.

I dont feel comfortable around alot of people, but for some reason strangers like to approach me and I have weird people who are the only ones who tend to really take a liking to me.

My close friend out in jersey who I knew forever i went to his 18th b-day party a few months ago, and his uncle for some reason seemed to like me alot. He's not gay, but he's 46 and feels like he's 19 and he tried to be 19, so for some reason, out of all the kids at the party, he was under the impression that im the coolest kid there to be good friends with. so since then he always Im's me and wants to hang out even though im boring as fuck.

than last yr some 50 yr old biker woman was all over me at work. It's like I wanna meet nice girls and new close friends but instead i have people who feak me out who tend to like me and want to be around me.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest ilovepancakes

i know what your going through all too well. the org is a great place to meet people and talk :) dont be too hard on yourself and definately know that ur not alone.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Has any of you guys experienced this? As in, unable to connect with people on a level deeper than 'acquaintance' level with ANYONE and others just plain prefer others over you no matter how hard or how good an impression you make? Also, if you are in a group, and you see a person (like me) kind of looking unable to blend in with the rest of the laughing, joking people in the group, would you actually avoid talking to that person in order to avoid being isolated from others as well?

I can't say that I have experienced this. I usually have no problems making friends and talk alot with friends at school and have friends outside school too. But to answer your question, if I see someone outside I wouldn't approach that person when I'm with friends unless I had a specific reason. Imo it's up to them to approach us if they want to join in. There is a guy in our class that seem to have the same problem, he talks with us at occasions(mostly out of the blue) but none of us really wanna talk with him, you might ask why, but this guy is actually boring when he think he is funny and seem to have really boring personality. I'm not saying this is the case, but if you have any interests try and find people with the same ones and talk to them.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm glad I found this thread, I have a similar problem. Although mine deals with MAKING the small talk to begin with.

I have one very very good friend and a handful of friends that I do talk to alot outside of school. (i'm a senior at the moment)

I am terrible at meeting people when it is just ME going up to meet the person. I'm alot of more comfortable if I am introduced by a friend or if me and a friend are meeting someone at the same time.

I can't really think of much more to say at this time of the night so yeah :D

Link to post
Share on other sites

Erpatter - I don't have a bf at the moment, or more accurately, I've never had a bf in my life so far. Because I've always sort of been the 'odd one out' in groups, when a guy in the group who is popular and funny approaches me, I instantly tense up because I always think 'Gosh, why would he want to talk to me?' I always think that they're just playing around with me because I never had many people (boys AND girls) take a liking to the quiet, passive me. So yeah, I've had many chances, but I always subconsciously push them away and I hate myself even more for it. I always think that the popular guys who ask me to be their gf will turn to other girls the instant they know more about me, because other people seem to think I'm so boring. You said you've had your chances too, but you were too wrapped up in acne. Let me tell you: honestly looks are NOT important when it comes to attraction. I'm sure you've heard this many times, but I learnt this through first-hand experience. I used to have an acne scar right in the middle of my cheek and I felt soooo ugly thinking nobody will ever like me. Now I've gotten rid of it and I've heard many times from other people who tell me that some guys think I'm quite pretty, but that they'll just look and not go any further with me because I'm so quiet and 'boring'. LOL I don't know if it really is because my personality is boring or not. I thought once I got rid of my acne scar people will like and accept me more but boy was I wrong, nothing attracts people more than a fun and caring personality. You seem to have the personality, so don't let acne get to you because its just not that important. I present myself well and make good first impressions, but people always push me away once they start to know other, more 'sociable' people better. When it comes down to it its who you have chemistry with, the one you click with, and the importance of looks just decreases once you get past that stage. Of course, a significant other is not easy to find at all. Some people spend a whole lifetime searching and still can't find the right one. Be yourself with girls, because everyone is different and its just too much pressure to be someone you're not just so you can try to chat comfortably with a girl, plus, people can see through you if you try to be someone you're not. I try to be all friendly and stuff but still appears unnatural and people knows.

Matt - I understand your situation with your friends all too well. I had 3 close friends in high school, one of them absolutely needs a bf to survive so I've never been that close to her. The other 2 are like your cousin, you know, the type who makes friends real easily and everybody just likes them. Life is like a cruel joke to me sometimes because the only people I feel comfortable around with are those all everybody feels comfortable around with, so I'm constantly battling for my friend's attention only to fail to more interesting people. In fact, I feel really overshadowed when those people are around me. I'm sure we've all heard how if we stand next to less attractive people, we make ourselves look relatively more attractive by contrast. Well, I make myself even quieter and more boring when I'm around my friends. And they aren't even friends in the strictest sense anymore because I just can't talk to them about my social problems, because they'll never understand, themselves having never experienced it. So Matt, I'm with you here. And yeah, I actually tried to model my behaviour after them and just couldn't pull it off either. Sometimes its just like we're meant to be the way we are huh! Put my friends in my situations and they'll be friends with everyone in no time. But I'll keep trying to change. Those comments your mother made are quite insensitive and mean, we're all individuals and doesn't she realize you won't be you anymore if you're 'just like' your cousin? Sure you'll be more popular with people but will you be happy? Some people just don't like too much attention and too much friends drain them out. I myself can't imagine partying every day of the week, I can, but I won't be happy. Sometimes its just so depressing to know that I've got to change to fit in with people because there's just something wrong with my personality or something.

Haha and I attract the wrong people too. People I click with, are other 'social outcasts' from a group too. I know I sometimes enjoy their company but I really don't wanna be labeled an 'outcast' too by hanging out with other outcasts. So I try to be colder to them if they show more attention to me. I hate myself for being mean but I seem to conduct this whole thing subconsciously. Its like I wanna meet normal people too, and instead I attract weird people! What do you do with those people? Do you tend to isolate yourself from them slowly by trying not to talk to them or be cold, or do you just accept their friendship and try to *ahem* bond and make them your friends?

Sonnie - Yeah I'm feeling exactly the way you described. I don't have my own group of close knit friends, so I try to mix with people in classes but, like you said, normally they have their own group of friends already. But I know people who just mix in really easily with others. Like they'll talk to people in classes for the first time, and then those people enjoy their company so much that they'll ask for their cellphone no and invite them to hang out with their own group of friends in spare time. Those people seem to take no effort in trying but get themselves so many friends! I really envy them and its sorta my goal to be more like those people.

Santacruz - I think the guy you mentioned describes me in social situations. I would really like to know if there's something wrong with me presenting or conducting myself so can I ask, what do you see wrong with that guy? How do you know he has a boring personality? I try to make jokes too but end up looking like a tryhard too. I would really want to know how I am like in others eyes so your comments will really help.

RampantJim - LOL I'm glad I found this forum because everyone else around me in real life has no social problems so they'll never bother to listen to me. Small talk is quite easy for me now, just keep asking new people questions about their interests, hobbies, talk about movies and stuff. Practically anything can become topic for small talk, its taking the conversation to a deeper level, a level that will make others enjoy what you talk about and want to know you more outside of 'acquantance' status, that I'm having major difficulties with. We'll keep on working on this yah!

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm not good at making small talk either,I just end up talking a load pf crap and look like an idiot.For some reason I'm always getting my words muddled up,probably because I'm thinking about it too hard.Also my conversations seem to come across as too "planned".

Link to post
Share on other sites

Have you thought about getting smashed at a bar with some friends you can scrape up? hahaha, thrusting yourself into a social situation with some people you feel comfortable with and going from there can be quite cathartic.

Listen, do NOT prepare questions or think about what you're doing when you socialize. Ask questions and point out interesting humourous things you see, talking is not scripted and it sounds scripted when you save points. Mind you I occasionally try out like stand up humour planned jokes to see if they pan out but that's a joke.

Get smashed, dance and live it up. You'll feel better.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think you are stressing up way too much, you should relax. Why should someone try so hard to be accepted? It's not like you commited a crime.

If you continue to worry so much about what random people think, you are going to suffer a lot. I mean A LOT. It's a cruel world. The only people you need to worry about is yourself, your family and those few friends that will stand by you no matter what. Thomas Hubber said "our friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you"

When you enter the corporate life(I say this b/c you mentioned you will need friends to succeed at work), you're gonna see the worst side of humanity once you have a good position. The rat race is real. People are very selfish. If you find a friend there you will be lucky. People not only will pretend to be your friend, a lot of them will even damage your reputation out of envy or fun. People will betray you. People will lie with no remorse. Don't put too much faith on people that don't even care for you in the first place. Your co-workers, bosses and direct reports will eat you alive if you allow them to do so.

That said, you don't need intimate friends to succeed in the corporate world. All you need is to be good with interviews, skilled, achieve results, and be respectful and polite to everybody, even to those that don't deserve anything.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest

I can never do small talk. I'm fine at talking to people and being the centre of attention, but I cant talk for more than 3 minutes on any subject, and I dont know what to say, so I struggle for something- anything! On rare occasioions, I have been known to strike up and mantain a meaningful and intelligent conversation. But, as I say, if our maker/s had wanted meaningful stuff, he wouldnt have invented silly string... or penguins.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Erpatter - I don't have a bf at the moment, or more accurately, I've never had a bf in my life so far. Because I've always sort of been the 'odd one out' in groups, when a guy in the group who is popular and funny approaches me, I instantly tense up because I always think 'Gosh, why would he want to talk to me?' I always think that they're just playing around with me because I never had many people (boys AND girls) take a liking to the quiet, passive me. So yeah, I've had many chances, but I always subconsciously push them away and I hate myself even more for it. I always think that the popular guys who ask me to be their gf will turn to other girls the instant they know more about me, because other people seem to think I'm so boring. You said you've had your chances too, but you were too wrapped up in acne. Let me tell you: honestly looks are NOT important when it comes to attraction. I'm sure you've heard this many times, but I learnt this through first-hand experience. I used to have an acne scar right in the middle of my cheek and I felt soooo ugly thinking nobody will ever like me. Now I've gotten rid of it and I've heard many times from other people who tell me that some guys think I'm quite pretty, but that they'll just look and not go any and not go any further with me because I'm so quiet and 'boring'. LOL I don't know if it really is because my personality is boring or not. I thought once I got rid of my acne scar people will like and accept me more but boy was I wrong, nothing attracts people more than a fun and caring personality. You seem to have the personality, so don't let acne get to you because its just not that important. I present myself well and make good first impressions, but people always push me away once they start to know other, more 'sociable' people better. When it comes down to it its who you have chemistry with, the one you click with, and the importance of looks just decreases once you get past that stage. Of course, a significant other is not easy to find at all. Some people spend a whole lifetime searching and still can't find the right one. Be yourself with girls, because everyone is different and its just too much pressure to be someone you're not just so you can try to chat comfortably with a girl, plus, people can see through you if you try to be someone you're not. I try to be all friendly and stuff but still appears unnatural and people knows.

Elaine, I beleive you looks are not the most important thing when it comes to attraction. It's just hard not to feel ugly when you have acne. Personality is what I look for most, it's just hard to show your personality when you're feeling ugly, you know? When I'm clear I'm pretty confident, easy going, and sometimes chatty. It's just when I'm not clear I don't show my personality. I'm that quiet, shy, and boring person you described yourself as too. Sometimes I try too hard, and try to force a conversation with somebody that really isn't interested, and it gets akward. I used to get looks from girls when I had the acne, I new they were interested but I never talked to them, I always felt unworthy with the acne. I'd clam up, or get nervous and gittery. It's not that I didn't think they were attracted to me, it's just that I felt once they got to know me, and how insecure, unconfidant I was with my looks they would leave. I beleive that social skills have a lot to do with confidence as well. If you're confident about yourself and don't worry about others you're pretty well off. But when you're worrying about how you're going to screw things up, you always got that in the back of your mind. If you keep telling yourself your gonna do it, you probably will ya know. I'm not sure how to fix that for you. I would suggest positive reinforcement and telling yourself you're not going to screw up, and that you are good at social skills. Practice them a little bit perhaps with people at the supermarket, people at the shopping mall where it really doesn't matter what they think of you. Eventually move on to people at school, maybe that will help.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Santacruz - I think the guy you mentioned describes me in social situations. I would really like to know if there's something wrong with me presenting or conducting myself so can I ask, what do you see wrong with that guy? How do you know he has a boring personality? I try to make jokes too but end up looking like a tryhard too. I would really want to know how I am like in others eyes so your comments will really help.

Well I don't know for sure since I haven't met you, but try and hang around people that seem to be "similar" to yourself. I can't say for sure he is boring, but whenever he say something it really isn't interesting to talk about. Try and talk with people who like the same things, be it cars, bikes, movies or whatever you like. You shouldn't really try and make jokes it should come natural.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Erpatter - I don't have a bf at the moment, or more accurately, I've never had a bf in my life so far. Because I've always sort of been the 'odd one out' in groups, when a guy in the group who is popular and funny approaches me, I instantly tense up because I always think 'Gosh, why would he want to talk to me?' I always think that they're just playing around with me because I never had many people (boys AND girls) take a liking to the quiet, passive me. So yeah, I've had many chances, but I always subconsciously push them away and I hate myself even more for it. I always think that the popular guys who ask me to be their gf will turn to other girls the instant they know more about me, because other people seem to think I'm so boring. You said you've had your chances too, but you were too wrapped up in acne. Let me tell you: honestly looks are NOT important when it comes to attraction. I'm sure you've heard this many times, but I learnt this through first-hand experience. I used to have an acne scar right in the middle of my cheek and I felt soooo ugly thinking nobody will ever like me. Now I've gotten rid of it and I've heard many times from other people who tell me that some guys think I'm quite pretty, but that they'll just look and not go any further with me because I'm so quiet and 'boring'. LOL I don't know if it really is because my personality is boring or not. I thought once I got rid of my acne scar people will like and accept me more but boy was I wrong, nothing attracts people more than a fun and caring personality. You seem to have the personality, so don't let acne get to you because its just not that important. I present myself well and make good first impressions, but people always push me away once they start to know other, more 'sociable' people better. When it comes down to it its who you have chemistry with, the one you click with, and the importance of looks just decreases once you get past that stage. Of course, a significant other is not easy to find at all. Some people spend a whole lifetime searching and still can't find the right one. Be yourself with girls, because everyone is different and its just too much pressure to be someone you're not just so you can try to chat comfortably with a girl, plus, people can see through you if you try to be someone you're not. I try to be all friendly and stuff but still appears unnatural and people knows.

Matt - I understand your situation with your friends all too well. I had 3 close friends in high school, one of them absolutely needs a bf to survive so I've never been that close to her. The other 2 are like your cousin, you know, the type who makes friends real easily and everybody just likes them. Life is like a cruel joke to me sometimes because the only people I feel comfortable around with are those all everybody feels comfortable around with, so I'm constantly battling for my friend's attention only to fail to more interesting people. In fact, I feel really overshadowed when those people are around me. I'm sure we've all heard how if we stand next to less attractive people, we make ourselves look relatively more attractive by contrast. Well, I make myself even quieter and more boring when I'm around my friends. And they aren't even friends in the strictest sense anymore because I just can't talk to them about my social problems, because they'll never understand, themselves having never experienced it. So Matt, I'm with you here. And yeah, I actually tried to model my behaviour after them and just couldn't pull it off either. Sometimes its just like we're meant to be the way we are huh! Put my friends in my situations and they'll be friends with everyone in no time. But I'll keep trying to change. Those comments your mother made are quite insensitive and mean, we're all individuals and doesn't she realize you won't be you anymore if you're 'just like' your cousin? Sure you'll be more popular with people but will you be happy? Some people just don't like too much attention and too much friends drain them out. I myself can't imagine partying every day of the week, I can, but I won't be happy. Sometimes its just so depressing to know that I've got to change to fit in with people because there's just something wrong with my personality or something.

Haha and I attract the wrong people too. People I click with, are other 'social outcasts' from a group too. I know I sometimes enjoy their company but I really don't wanna be labeled an 'outcast' too by hanging out with other outcasts. So I try to be colder to them if they show more attention to me. I hate myself for being mean but I seem to conduct this whole thing subconsciously. Its like I wanna meet normal people too, and instead I attract weird people! What do you do with those people? Do you tend to isolate yourself from them slowly by trying not to talk to them or be cold, or do you just accept their friendship and try to *ahem* bond and make them your friends?

Sonnie - Yeah I'm feeling exactly the way you described. I don't have my own group of close knit friends, so I try to mix with people in classes but, like you said, normally they have their own group of friends already. But I know people who just mix in really easily with others. Like they'll talk to people in classes for the first time, and then those people enjoy their company so much that they'll ask for their cellphone no and invite them to hang out with their own group of friends in spare time. Those people seem to take no effort in trying but get themselves so many friends! I really envy them and its sorta my goal to be more like those people.

Santacruz - I think the guy you mentioned describes me in social situations. I would really like to know if there's something wrong with me presenting or conducting myself so can I ask, what do you see wrong with that guy? How do you know he has a boring personality? I try to make jokes too but end up looking like a tryhard too. I would really want to know how I am like in others eyes so your comments will really help.

RampantJim - LOL I'm glad I found this forum because everyone else around me in real life has no social problems so they'll never bother to listen to me. Small talk is quite easy for me now, just keep asking new people questions about their interests, hobbies, talk about movies and stuff. Practically anything can become topic for small talk, its taking the conversation to a deeper level, a level that will make others enjoy what you talk about and want to know you more outside of 'acquantance' status, that I'm having major difficulties with. We'll keep on working on this yah!

Yea elaine I know exactly how you feel with the boring thing too. I'm exactly like that. While every1 else my age goes out and parties and does this and that, i'm boring, i'd rather just relax get a bite to eat and take a walk or something. I'm boring as hell. My time out with friends consists of eating out and making jokes and thats it. Growing up it was sports all the time, now no sports at all, its only eating out and talking and sometimes telling the same stories repeated. I label myself as extremely boring. but I like being laid back and i'm just waiting til I find a girl who is more of a laid back style like me.

When you said your alil cold to weird people you meet, I need to be more like this. I try to be nice, so like my friends uncle is fuckin annoying me. He's 46, and im 18 and boring as fuck so I dont know why he'd wanna hang out with me, we hung out once and it was stupid and afterwards i realised how weird it was so I decided no more. anyway he annoying cause he actually wants to hang out as if he's a peer to me, and this pisses me off cause can't he fuckin realize he's 46 and he needs to do something with his fuckin life, and i'm 18 and its weird that a 46 yr old wants to be my new friend! damn! lol. anyway, i try to still be nice to him, he also is the weird uncle of 1 of my 2 closest friends who is like a cousin to me as well as the other one (this kid isn't really related to his uncle lol. like he says his uncle is weird and even advised me to stay away from him cause he said his uncle is a loser. so its not like this guy is weird but is a close uncle to my friend, i thought he was but it turns out e's the weirdo of the family and they dont support him). I try to be nice so if he asks me to hang out, I'll just say i'm busy maybe another time.

and in regards to how my mom says i should be more like my cousin. We'll she doesn't mean it in a mean way. She doesn't mena she wants me to be popular or w/e like him. She means he's outgoing and positive and making the best out of himself and i'm not. I know my mom's not meaning any harm, but its hard for me to explain toher that i was never negatvie or upset on purpose, I was jus in a funk and my mom didn't realize that. Mymom's not hard on me but she always tends to think I could do better and that im more than i make myself out to be. Well I am doing my best now so all is good. I dont have to be like my cousin because I'm doing my best and he;s doing his best, just we're doing our best in our own different ways.

Link to post
Share on other sites

thank you for making this post.

you just brought up to the surface what i have been feeling for years. it's very tough and i'm still trying to figure it all out.

for me socializing doesn't happen naturally anymore.

it's all about self-esteem. first of all, you are NOT boring, you have to start appreciating yourself and your personality more, you have to make yourself realize that you're as deserving of the good things in life also, you're a caring, good, interesting person... i think both of our problem(yours and mine and whoever else who can relate to this) is that we need to learn how to bring it all to the surface and how to display that in a natural way and be appreciative of ourselves.

how old are you btw?

Link to post
Share on other sites
thank you for making this post.

you just brought up to the surface what i have been feeling for years. it's very tough and i'm still trying to figure it all out.

for me socializing doesn't happen naturally anymore.

it's all about self-esteem. first of all, you are NOT boring, you have to start appreciating yourself and your personality more, you have to make yourself realize that you're as deserving of the good things in life also, you're a caring, good, interesting person... i think both of our problem(yours and mine and whoever else who can relate to this) is that we need to learn how to bring it all to the surface and how to display that in a natural way and be appreciative of ourselves.

how old are you btw?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


  • Personalized Advice Quiz - All of Acne.org in just a few minutes


×