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iLlievee

Just feel like letting it out...

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Fphew...this is a piece of my crap.

-Intro

Because of acne, i missed out a lot. I'm not being emo/depressed tonight. But i had been thinking a lot recently. To begin...i need to talk about how my life had been ever since i was haunted by acne. The 1st time i was self-conscious.

14 years old - I remembered the 1st time zit erupting. It was terrible. Red spots on my cheeks and side of my face. i wasn't bothered about it till a boy friend said "why your face like that? You have diseases?? Like AID??"

Ye, i laughed off his comment. But that was the 1st time i felt really hurt. That was when i lost my confidence day by day. Low self-esteem. Started covering up with my hair...

I stayed low-profile throughout the many years acne got me. Sometimes i wonder if it was a good thing that acne got me. Because i could be the total opposite of what i am today. A loud bimbo :rolleyes:

But anyhow, ye, i looked up excuses to avoid many gathering etc. I loved sticking to the corners than being in the center of all. I didn't want any attention on me. Because i was lousy. I spoke at times for the sake of protecting myself, allowing no one to humiliate me. Because i was lousy. I wouldn't submit myself to anyone. I put up a strong act all along till last year, my best friend spoke ill of me on her blog which were viewed by her new friends in school. I was devastated. Acne + betrayal ...

After all these years because of how i had been behaving from the impact of acne, i felt i was a fake. Because i didn't really know how to express myself all these years. The only good i was at - bad temper :razz: but yes, it's under control getting better as years pass by.

Many times i look at ppl and think - it's so not fair. I'm way better than xxx but acne got me. WHY ME!

But well, nothing is fair. If it's fair, i guess you = me duh :cool:

Chapter 1 -The workable relationships.

I missed out alot of that. Just because acne. I didn't had the courage because i wasn't able to break free from myself after all those years getting used to no-confidence, low-esteem etc.

I know i know, it's always easier said than done to just go for it blah if the guy likes you, then he likes you blah. But reality is always cruel. There were such guys. Like me for me. Even when i was suffering from acne. When i was disfigured. Like me for years. But it was me. I know i can blame no one if i don't take the 1st step - break free.

Chapter 2 -One of the confessions

A friend confessed his feelings to me last year. And he does it again yesterday.

The 1st time i rejected him - he simply wasn't my type of guy.

And i rejected him again yesterday - i wasn't able to break free from myself to be in a relationship.

I almost gave in. Because i want to fall in love after being single for 6years now (although i had no feelings for him...).

But on 2nd thought. I couldn't couldn't couldn't let go the fact that acne is part of me today. That I've got this oily face always. Imagine kissing hugging making out and someone caressing my face ... it's a nightmare :(

Once i told this guy briefly how i felt about this whole acne haunting me issue and how i couldn't break free. He seemed to understand but nope. It was only 40%.

Chapter 3 -My guy

This guy is someone special. Because he is someone I felt comfortable talking to. Basically, we talk about everything. Except the fact - "hey, i've got acne".

It has gota be the weirdest friendship ever. To be this close, living in the same country, knowing each other for 3+ years, fact that he likes me even when we've never really hang out/meet up (5 fingers is enough).

I've always think that because he's this special, i want him to see no flaw in me. Silly me, yes. :doubt:

Chapter 4 -A chance

This guy i knew through gaming (well, i knew his sis and bro-in-law as well for a good year now) came back to town from overseas on holiday. This is the 3rd time he is in town.

The 1st time his sis suggested him to meet me up. But nope coz we didn't know each other then. So next.

The 2nd time no one initiated for a meet up. And then next next.

This time, i think we'll meet up. Because i owe him lots of cookies :(

The point is, i got no guts to. I'm afraid he would judge me. He seen my pix (but my face is clear in pix :drool: ) and i told him once or twice i suffered from acne . He laughed at me in a jokingly manner. I'm so nervous and afraid!

Chapter 5 -Changes

I've been thinking for the past months. I want to change the normal me into someone different. Someone so different that people will be amazed to how different before and after :| But i don't know where to start as every factor is linked. E.g. Money - job - confident.

Once my friend told me i deserved better. Because i got the look. That i should make use of it. And shine. Not dull. I want to. But again, i got no confident - acne. I got nowhere. And also money is another factor. To change, i need money. Money, i need to work. To work, i need to look for job. Job, I need to be accepted with how i am - acne.

Guess it's just not easy. At least for me.

Chapter 6 -Final say

- Walk with confident. Not starring on the ground!

- 9 more days to school break. I shall not coop at home like any other days.

- Replenish mineral makeups, groom myself (trim eyebrow again ...).

- Go jogging, sweat out.

- Bake the cookies and meet up my new friend.

- Shop for new clothes of different style.

---------------------------------

Well my rant :razz: i'm about done with it. What i had been thinking about these days.

Sorry if you read through, felt irritated, not worth your time. SORRY! for your precious time wasted on my piece of crap :)

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It's ok. Yestarday doesn't exist anymore, today is a new day. Wake up today and enjoy today.

Yestarday never existed.

iLlievee we often find ourselves hanging onto our current situation in life even when we know we want change, why not just let go?

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This may sound odd....When I was 15, a group of frineds and myself went camping. A couple sets of parents went it was all monitored no foul play. I had severe cystic acne on my back, and had a cream (Can't remember which) that I needed applied twice a day. Ok so usually mom took care of it since it's hard A) to see ones back and B) harder yet to reach it efficiently.

So here I am on this camping trip with friends, boys and girls alike, none of them knowing of my condition, and me needing to apply ointment. So on the 1st day I take off my shirt over near the edge of the campsite and start doing my best. One of the young ladies notices what I am doing and comes over. She says "Hey you can't do that yourself, let me do it for you" She grabs me by the hand and leads me back to the campsite sits me on the bench at the table and starts applying it for me. That was 16 years ago, but the feel of her hands on my back is etched in my mind, I could feel sympathy, compassion and the love that freinds share for each other. I asked her how she could do that and she said, "eh...it's no biggie my brother has acne on his back that he can't reach either".

I think that camping trip changed my whole feelings about my skin condition. For some reason the light bulb went on and I realized...Dang it so many people suffer from this, why should I feel so singled out.

The soothing feel of a friends caress on my disfigured skin was amazing.

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Hey wow. Thank you guys for your post. I never thought someone would bother to read or reply because it is a long boring post ;)

It's ok. Yestarday doesn't exist anymore, today is a new day. Wake up today and enjoy today.

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