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rosiemarie

feeling really cynical and bitter about everything right now

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this might get off track...but do you ever get really cynical and moody about things? i feel like that right now, that everyone/everything is irritating me..and yet i keep on putting up this great front, that everything is going great and i'm so goddamn happy. i get so envious of other people that seem to have these great lives and i think its f**king not fair (sorry i'm going to whine tonight), i have such an unremarkable existence.

and i look ahead to the future and i used to get hopeful with that, but now lately i think to myself yea right nothing is going to change you're still you. i can just see myself in 10 years, bitter about life and depressed. but still appearing like everything is fine, coz i keep so much to myself--- i dont think anyone really even knows ME. is that normal?

i dont even know how to change things for the better. sometimes i feel pretty calm and peaceful with how i'm living, other times (like every few months) i'll hit this wall and fall apart emotionally. it doesnt last for too long, and soon again i'll be OK, which is why i've never seen the need to get help or anything. now i'm getting myself even more agitated writing this lol.

and i know that no one in my family would understand, i dont know where i got this dark moody side to me....maybe i'm hoping for too much in my life? i think acceptance is important, but its hard to do that when all i can do is focus on what i dont like about myself---in my personality, the way i look, how i act, etc. and worry about things i cannot change, and worry about life in general and how it'll all turn out. i dont want to have some wasted life.

anyway. sorry, needed to talk tonight and since i dont have anyone else to talk to or would feel comfortable talking to, you guys are it. i tried talking once with my sister and i regreted ever saying anything.

-Rose

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Don't feel bad about feeling bad....I think everyone goes through this now and again, but don't have the courage to talk about it like you have. Venting....very healthy and perfectly acceptable. :clap:

Maybe Seasonal Affective Disorder or hormones?????? You might talk to you doctor.

And I totally empathize with the talking to the family thing....my family can't take it if I have any dark periods either, so I just talk to my friends.

Hang in there!

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All the time! To the point where the hubby will point out "Teressa, you're just being cynical."

Because of my history, it's really hard for me to believe that I'll get the good things in life that everyone else "seems to have" and that I want. A house. Good job. That sort of thing. And my self esteem is finally at the point where I believe I *deserve* those things, so when I have a bad day and it looks like I'll never get them, I get really flippant and bitchy and say "Why the fuck would I want that anyways?"

I also have a tendancy to think I'm "too much." Too angry, too moody, too morbid, too abused, too addictted, too recovered, whatever. And when I get to feeling like that, it's a horrible helpless feeling. I can't change who I am or what I feel, so it begins to feel like I'm just a bad person and wrong and completely unlovable.

But that's not true. Whatever I am, it's okay and it's worthy. The hubby has said that what I've been through should show me that - not the oppisitte. I try to remember that when I feel upset.

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yaa you're def not alone hun

i feel that way often

and sometimes i find myself putting on fronts

pretending life's great and nothing's wrong.

i guess it's just easier to run.

just not smarter.

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oh boy do i know what you mean.

i wish i knew how to put up a front though... i get the same thing. im usually very calm and content with life, not ecstacically happy, but content and hopeful... but every few months or every few weeks i just get depressed. its not even sad depression, but like you said, very bitter, cynical, angry, fed up. everything irritates me and i'm impossible to be around. i feel bad for my family/boyfriend/friends. because i really become a jerk, everything people say or do rubs me the wrong way, nothing is right or good, everything seems useless, and then i start to slowly come down from that into period of sadness because i feel like im such a jerk and nothing will ever change and i'll never get what i want, and i feel like im wasting my life and its passing by so quickly and i'm accomplishing absolutly nothing.

and then, i'l go back to my normal calm period... and in between there too i also get these ridiculous highs where i'm just unstoppable and have millions of plans and projects and dreams and everything feels great.

but then i'll hit a wall again. and then i'll be okay. and then i'll be up.

now. it sounds like i've just described bipolar personality disorder. i've read enough about it to know.

but. i promised myself a few months ago that i would stop diagnosing myself. sooooo. yes.

well.. its cool. at least we can all come here and vent and know that we're not alone... i dont know if its just me, but i always feel so much better when i find other people who understand me and go through the same things i do, it really makes me feel more human and less weird and nutso.

feel better!

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thanks everyone...i do feel better this morning (got 9 1/2 hours of sleep!), its good to know i'm not alone :) it just can get hard sometimes, and i can feel empty... and i cant explain it well enough.

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