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mj's9eleven

The meaning of life

I was born. Then I growed up as a happy kid. My parent's were quite ok that time. I had many friend, didn't worry about anything.

Then my teenage years came. I felt like I could shake the leverange of space. Young man who despite being shy had many friends some close some not. Never had to aproach girls, they aproched me, many girls did.

I believed in God, I thought he loves me and gives me anything I need. But I didn't deserve it. I hurt many people's feelings (mostly girls), often I felt better then other people.

Then, when I was 17 acne started and get bad very quick. No derm could help, nothing seemed to be helping. I stopped talking with people, lost my confidence, lost my friends, lost my faith. I was skipping many days in school, I didn't go out. Finally I realized I have nothing to live for.

So I attempted to commit suicide. I ate as many different pills as I could find. I think I swollowed about 30, some strong some not. After an hour my brain was out of my control. I felt like on drugs. I wasn't able to control my moves and my thoughts. But I remember that the only thing that was in my head was that it may actally happen - I may die. I felt relief. To be sure I won't survive I kept looking for any medicine to speed up the proccess.

I lost conciousness. I think I had some hallucinations but can't remember now.

After about 20-25 hours bad thing happened. I woke up alive, with head and stomach ache, but alive.

I kept thinking about suicide more and more, but never did 2nd attempt. For 2 years I've tried hundreds of creams and other shit which didn't help my acne at all. I was on tetracycline many times, when one derm didn't want to give it to me I went to another. It was helping, but acne always came back, sometimes even worse than before. My social life did not exist.

Finally I decided to start using only one medicine for my acne for long time and maybe then it would work. Hopefully it was BP I've chosen. But I was only using it at night, couse it made my skin very dry. It was helping but still I had some acne, and still felt like shit.

My mentality was fucked up.

I was 19. I went to university. But it was very hard for me to make new friends there.

But now I wasn't angry anymore for what happened to me. I took what was happening to me with humility. I retrieve my faith. It was stronger then anytime. I felt I've finally learned how to love God.

I was completely different person.

But life was really hard for me. And soon I lost my faith again. I was a loner. But I didn't give a shit anymore, I just lived my life with no goals, no hope or any expectations.

After 6 months (!!) I started to make friends there. And I met best ppl in my life. Soon they become my best friends, we studied together, lived together and did many things together. But my acne still bothered me. I never felt comfortable about my look. That happend 1 and a half year ago.

Last summer I found acne.org. I started CSR. I couldn't believe - finally I was able to keep clear. Now I wake up with smile, cause I know I want see new pimples in the mirror in the morning. And finally I could think about other things not only acne all the time. And I realized that I should be happy. I have best friends in the world, I can't imagine better.

This year I started studies on second universtity. I need to be successfull. That's who I become. I make new goals and want to achieve them. But sometimes I feel like it's all shit worth. I'm 21 now and I feel old. I feel like I lost best years of my life, and I want to succeed in business aspect of live(dont know how to say that, lol sorry) to forget about what I lost.

I know that I'm is completely different person than I would be if I didn't have acne. And my mentality varies alot from mentality of people in my age.

And I don't feel comfortable about my face. Once acne was completely gone I thought that I have nothing to worry about. But I started t oworry about every tiny acne I get, avery red mark I have. And they bother me almost the same that my acne when it was worst.

When will this end?

What if I fail to be succesfull? That is my main goal now, and it's pathetic, couse personal life should be more important. But I feel that I don't need love anymore. I don't want deep relationship with woman, just some occasional meetings and sex is everything I need. I'm bereft of human feelings.

Conclusion:

At least I don't feel pain too. If I cant feel love then I dont know if it's good, so I loose nothing.

So I might actually be happy now, if I still can be happy :ninja:

Thanks for reading if anyone will, sorry for my english, I know it sucks.

:):):):):):):):):):):)

And sorry for boring story. I should probably add some mystery into it, but what the hell, you won't know it's boring until you reach the end, and there you also won't find any pointa - all apologise.

Have a nice day, evening, night or whatever you are having now :)

Marcin

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many of us, including myself, have been experiencing this numbness/emotional constipation (Elsewhere's term?)/depression/etc...it's a battle within that i think you're the only one who'd know best how to handle. in my experience, so far nothin has helped much. im still stuck but im glad i was too scared to actually attempt a suicide (been having suicidal thoughts since high school). im not sure if i keep a little hope inside but i do believe im simply goin with the flow right now and just waitin coz im somewhat too tired to make any aggressive move...

just letting you to know you're so not alone.

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hey marcin,

glad that you got through those tough times of having acne and started to feel more confident. i totally know where you are coming from in terms of having no confidence and shying away from social life. it's just so tough, but we just gotta trudge along life, ya know? i hope you the best in univerisity :clap:

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many of us, including myself, have been experiencing this numbness/emotional constipation (Elsewhere's term?)/depression/etc...it's a battle within that i think you're the only one who'd know best how to handle. in my experience, so far nothin has helped much. im still stuck but im glad i was too scared to actually attempt a suicide (been having suicidal thoughts since high school). im not sure if i keep a little hope inside but i do believe im simply goin with the flow right now and just waitin coz im somewhat too tired to make any aggressive move...

just letting you to know you're so not alone.

Thanks, I like not to be alone :)

hey marcin,

glad that you got through those tough times of having acne and started to feel more confident. i totally know where you are coming from in terms of having no confidence and shying away from social life. it's just so tough, but we just gotta trudge along life, ya know? i hope you the best in univerisity :clap:

Hah, no I'm not the best and don't even want to, cause marks don't count! :)

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I am 24 now. my acne began around 16, peaked my senior year in college and it hasnt let up since. Senior year was when all my friends were really living it up. Working hard, but living it up for their last year of college life before the real world. I spent the majority of that time in my room. The positive thing was that it encouraged me to practice guitar - i had no choice, really. Though, I know exactly how you feel. My social life was pretty weak. I could only handle hanging out with people when they finally coerced me out of my room after incessant badgering, so then i knew they really did want to hang out with me. Of course, i was only comfortable when we were all good and drunk. But that was a rough blow to my self-esteem and ego, especially because it was a time when i needed to feel up on my game - ready to face the world with total confidence. How could I when people would wince (sparingly) at me or gaze on me with pity?

I'll admit, there were times when I felt quite close to walking into on-coming traffic. I'm glad I never did it. I have always wondered what i did to deserve this. I think about the worst things i have done in my life and feel regret for them. I've heard people call acne a blessing in disguise and that sometimes helps me through rough days. With a good attitude I try to look at the positive effects of this affliction. It can force us to give up our vanity. It gives us perspective into the lives of those in the world who experience pain and suffering. I may feel down on myself on a bad morning, but then I see somebody sleeping under pieces of cardboard on the street and say to myself, "am i really going to complain?"

The hardest thing for me is admitting to myself that I am somebody who has bad skin. Denial will lead me down paths of shame and self-deprecation. And, like you yourself experienced, Marcin, it can keep me anxious about any little pimple i see start to develop. I will become neurotic if I let myself. This is no way to live. You never know when you are going to go, so you may as well be happy and enjoy each new day that you live to see. I have to remind myself of this all the time. And as far as my friends are concerned, they love me for who i am - not for my skin. One pimple does not change the way they think about me and neither would 10.

There are plenty of people with bad skin who do not let it affect them. These are the people in life who recognize that there are more important things than keeping our egos and vanity content. These are people who are seriously grounded. These are the people who I try to learn from. After all, it is not acne that brings me down - it is the superficiality within myself that brings me down. Some days I may be hard to look at, but so what? If you really believe in a deeper meaning of life then you must realize your looks are meaningless. This is merely a shell. Those of us who experience shitty skin have a chance to better ourselves in a way that most people dont. It attacks our superficialities and forces us to either confront and conquer them or lose ourselves within them. It is not an easy struggle, I know this very well, but it should most certainly be a lesson for those of us who eventually clear up: do not take it for granted.

I wish you the best of luck Marcin. If you greet people with warmth, you will be recieved with warmth.

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I am 24 now. my acne began around 16, peaked my senior year in college and it hasnt let up since. Senior year was when all my friends were really living it up. Working hard, but living it up for their last year of college life before the real world. I spent the majority of that time in my room. The positive thing was that it encouraged me to practice guitar - i had no choice, really. Though, I know exactly how you feel. My social life was pretty weak. I could only handle hanging out with people when they finally coerced me out of my room after incessant badgering, so then i knew they really did want to hang out with me. Of course, i was only comfortable when we were all good and drunk. But that was a rough blow to my self-esteem and ego, especially because it was a time when i needed to feel up on my game - ready to face the world with total confidence. How could I when people would wince (sparingly) at me or gaze on me with pity?

I'll admit, there were times when I felt quite close to walking into on-coming traffic. I'm glad I never did it. I have always wondered what i did to deserve this. I think about the worst things i have done in my life and feel regret for them. I've heard people call acne a blessing in disguise and that sometimes helps me through rough days. With a good attitude I try to look at the positive effects of this affliction. It can force us to give up our vanity. It gives us perspective into the lives of those in the world who experience pain and suffering. I may feel down on myself on a bad morning, but then I see somebody sleeping under pieces of cardboard on the street and say to myself, "am i really going to complain?"

The hardest thing for me is admitting to myself that I am somebody who has bad skin. Denial will lead me down paths of shame and self-deprecation. And, like you yourself experienced, Marcin, it can keep me anxious about any little pimple i see start to develop. I will become neurotic if I let myself. This is no way to live. You never know when you are going to go, so you may as well be happy and enjoy each new day that you live to see. I have to remind myself of this all the time. And as far as my friends are concerned, they love me for who i am - not for my skin. One pimple does not change the way they think about me and neither would 10.

There are plenty of people with bad skin who do not let it affect them. These are the people in life who recognize that there are more important things than keeping our egos and vanity content. These are people who are seriously grounded. These are the people who I try to learn from. After all, it is not acne that brings me down - it is the superficiality within myself that brings me down. Some days I may be hard to look at, but so what? If you really believe in a deeper meaning of life then you must realize your looks are meaningless. This is merely a shell. Those of us who experience shitty skin have a chance to better ourselves in a way that most people dont. It attacks our superficialities and forces us to either confront and conquer them or lose ourselves within them. It is not an easy struggle, I know this very well, but it should most certainly be a lesson for those of us who eventually clear up: do not take it for granted.

I wish you the best of luck Marcin. If you greet people with warmth, you will be recieved with warmth.

You are a wise man. Indeed, acne couse some positive effects to our personality, but negative effects seem to surpass them strongly. As you say friend don't care how we look like, and it is in us to feel comfortable about our look, but this is something I can't do. Look is a shell you say, but this shell is first thing that interacts with other people, and I need my shell to be attractive. For such a long time I felt uncomfortable about my face and now it become an obssesion, I can do nothing, my goal is perfect skin and unfortunatly I won't be able to fully live my life before I reach it. Maybe this will change with time, I hope.

Thanks for mental support, understanding and warm words.

Marcin

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