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I know most of the time I come on looking for advice and whatnot but today I must rant.

I have decided to move to Chicago after Christmas. It is something I have been debating doing

for a long time. I feel like I am running away frommy problems but I do not feel like I can survive much longer down here. Alot of bad memories haunt me on a daily basis that would not be as prevalent in

new surroundings. As much as I try to find a better life for myself it seems like as time goes on, the worse things are going and I am becoming unhappier. As scary as it seems to pick up and move to a new town and have to start from scratch, part of me is dying to get out of here. My job sucks and I am so unconfident in myself and my personal life that I really do not enjoy anything for very long. I think alot of the problemsI have stem from the fact I have been picked on and mistreated so much that I automatically see the worst in people. I have been to Chicago many times and the people just seem to be better there. There are also many more things to do. I am also looking forward to having a fresh start and a clean slate.

My parents currently are not speaking to me because they do not like the fact that I said I really did not want to hear their advice because it depresses me. They are experts at bringing up my shortcomings and telling me about the things I do wrong to cause myself to be unhappy. They are not happy that I am moving as well although at one point they encouraged me to leave. I have explained to both of them that none of my issues with depression have anything to do with them.

I have been drinking alot lately which honestly has become scary to me as on Saturday two of my friends told me that I needed to calm down with drinking because they were worried for my safety. I went out drinking, five nights last week including Saturday in which I was extremely drunk and I passed out on the Kitchen floor when I came home. I've decided to stay away from liquor for a while. I'm a little bit afraid of what my friends said to me because I know alcoholism runs rampant in my family. I am also afraid of getting a DUI or doing something stupid. Drinking alot has also ruined my sleep (When I try to sleep after drinking I tend to sleep in shifts of 3 hours on and 3 hours off and at work I'm exhausted) and lately I have been having horrible nightmares every night.

I do have one blessing in my life which is a lovely girl named Liz that I met recently. She

was the shy girl in the thread I started last week. I haven't told her that I plan to move

yet but I am hoping that our relationship will grow to the point where she can come with

me. I truly feel that she is the girl that I have always prayed for. I feel very comfortable

with her because she has been though alot of the same stuff all of us have with acne and with life in general.

I have gone two weeks without my anti-depressant/ocd medication. I decided a few weeks ago, that I would better off without it. Of course all it did was make me more screwed up. I started to break down more and it feel hopeless and I began thinking about sucide. I had to go back on my meds last night.

as much as I hate the side effects and the way they make me feel sometimes, I truly need them to keep it together. I began cutting myself when I got home from work on Friday. I know it isn't right but it felt like the thing to do at the time. I am going to start seeing a councelor again. I see a phychist but all she does is give me pills and she allows me one question during my 15 minutes and I feel it would be best to talk to someone in depth.

This has been the worst year of my life in some ways and the best year in others. This year I had my first date and my first kiss (2 weeks ago). However, I have never been as depressed this year as I have been in other years. I have never endured so much heart break. I don't know if the bad has come because I have put myself out there more than I ever had before.

Anyway, thanks for reading, thanks to anyone that comments, and to everybody in the forum for being there.

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i think if moving will make you feel better, then go for it! congrats on meeting someone and on your first kiss. im still waiting for mine! stay on here and talk because a lot of people here can relate to you. i wish you the best of luck.

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