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My life is a nightmare; a nightmare I don't want to wake up from because I deserve it. I deserve my disorders and the mental issues I have. I'm a bad person.

Everyone around me thinks I'm a normal and well-adjusted person, just a little bit quiet and shy. Let me tell you, the joke's on them. I can fake the small-talk; I can dance the all-important ‘social tango’ if the situation absolutely requires it (for work etc). But none of it is real. I’m an actor. My life is one big deception and the world is my theatre. If only they knew how dead inside I am when they tell me all about their weekends and I say all the right things.

I'm an emotional masochist: I love feeling sorry for myself and agonising over how awful I have it. I torture myself every night while I lay in bed by contemplating my pathetic life over and over and over again. Intellectually, I realise there are a lot of people worse off than I am and this makes me feel awful. But the thing is, I crave that negative feeling and use it to fuel my self-pity. I wallow in my misery and self-depreciation and I love it.

Even on an acne forum I don't fit in. At least you can all honestly say, 'I want to get better; I want to live my life without the issues I have and get past this.' At least you have that to hold on to. It would be an out-and-out lie if I said I wanted to change -- I just want to 'go away,' but I'm too much of coward and masochist to ever do it.

You = me, Misanthropy.

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Yes life sucks, but not as much as YOU think.

Trust me, acne is evil, it is hell, a disfiguring disease festering over your outward contact to your peers. However, there is always worse in this world, Ill never forget the image of seeing pictures of children being so malnourished, vultures wait for them to die in the background.

It is hard to admit, having a face full of acne hell, but most of you have financial security, shelter, food to eat AND the reasurance that MOST of time acne is temporary(especially if you do accutane/ BP medications) They will clear 90% of people up, where as children and babies will still starve tonight, in the deserts of africa, the streets of north korea, or slums of brazil.

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When you look at this board you see sadness. There are unhealing wounds that will never close. There are souls that have been ripped, severed at the heartstrings by a serrated blade. The damage is irreparable. The years of lonely emotional suffering can never be forgotten and the victims of permanent emotional trauma never recover from psychological damage. Like a child who will be ill-formed and stunted his entire life from malnourishment, longterm emotional suffering can also have similar affects on an individual's psyche. The permanent scarring of the fragile cranial tissues, the repeated arrangement and reinforcement of brain synapses in depressed and angry states, will render you forever meaningless to the world. The confinement of darkness and the bed of flames is yours to inherit and you will never, ever, escape.

You might read this now and forget about it for the day. Tomorrow will pass, maybe even a week might go by, and it will return. You will remember that you are not like the others. You are forever broken.

Sleep well.

"sleep well"?

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My life is a nightmare; a nightmare I don't want to wake up from because I deserve it. I deserve my disorders and the mental issues I have. I'm a bad person.

Everyone around me thinks I'm a normal and well-adjusted person, just a little bit quiet and shy. Let me tell you, the joke's on them. I can fake the small-talk; I can dance the all-important ‘social tango’ if the situation absolutely requires it (for work etc). But none of it is real. I’m an actor. My life is one big deception and the world is my theatre. If only they knew how dead inside I am when they tell me all about their weekends and I say all the right things.

I'm an emotional masochist: I love feeling sorry for myself and agonising over how awful I have it. I torture myself every night while I lay in bed by contemplating my pathetic life over and over and over again. Intellectually, I realise there are a lot of people worse off than I am and this makes me feel awful. But the thing is, I crave that negative feeling and use it to fuel my self-pity. I wallow in my misery and self-depreciation and I love it.

Even on an acne forum I don't fit in. At least you can all honestly say, 'I want to get better; I want to live my life without the issues I have and get past this.' At least you have that to hold on to. It would be an out-and-out lie if I said I wanted to change -- I just want to 'go away,' but I'm too much of coward and masochist to ever do it.

misanthropy,

you sound kinda like my ex bf. except a bit more actively engaged in your depression than he is. everyone thinks he's fine too. he he friends and hangs out with them and they're none the wiser. he's not acting so much though, as just being himself when he's around other people. his general attitude is "fuck it."

he's always saying people wanna be around him, but that he'd rather be alone. (and if he's really feeling like shit, he will stay away from them.) it's weird though, he almost always answers his phone. (when i'm really bad, i stay away from that horrible ringy box.) people always gravitate toward him and wanna be friends with him; girls flirt w/him. i think it's cuz he really just is himself and doesn't care what they think, and they pick up on that. but even so, i don't know that it's a place (genuinely not caring) i would want to be.

i don't think you really love being miserable. i think you're holding onto it b/c it's familiar. it sounds like it's defined you for a long enough time that you wouldn't know what to do with yourself if you let it go. what would be leftover? (like asking what's left in Coke when you take out the sugar & caffeine... lol) i mean, the fact that you said you were a coward is what tells me that. you admitted you were afraid... which means you really do care. you want something different. hell, you're here on these boards. reaching out. instead of throwing yourself under your covers and stewing by yourself. that's something. i guess that's the scary part. it's that whole thing about hope -- i think there was a quote in a movie (Shawshank Redemption?), that hope is the most dangerous thing. what do you think?

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