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I had severe acne and at this moment I don't have any active acne. I just have a lot of scarring ( alot of hyperpigmentation, I got a tca peel a week ago for that). My skin is still pretty bad though even if I don't have acne & I'm just hoping by september, my skin will be OK. I'm pretty sure the reason why I had severe acne in the first place is from stress. My mom is almost 50 and has perfect skin, people think she's in her late 30s. No one in my family really had acne, if they did, it was very mild. When I told my derm that, she said it's probably stress& hormones. I figured that out a little too late :(

The thing with me is I always stress over things. I worry alot. I'm paranoid. I go crazy over something that MIGHT happen. I'm basically known for that in my group of friends. Right now, what I'm worried about is starting junior year. I'm changing my style of clothes, getting my hair done differently, good skin hopefully, and losing weight. I'm just afraid that even after the whole change, people will still think I'm ugly and I can't deal with that anymore. I can't stick up for myself, I'm way too nice for that.. I'm not being sarcastic either.

I get these attacks where I remeber things that happened a while ago & I can't breathe and I start to get really bad chest pains. I think those are anxiety attacks and I can't deal with that anymore either. I'm so afraid that next year, nothing will change even though I did. It's driving me crazy. I said before that I'm really nice to people.. that's because I'm afraid they will leave me or start to hate me. I hate being like that. I've had friends say so much shit about me and do all these things to me but I make it seem like I don't care but it kills me. I hate being so insecure..

I'm 16 and I've dealt with this for the past 4-5 years.. I've tried committing suicide before and which is why I probably would never had a chance to take accutane. But I don't need it anymore anyway..

I almost died last year..I was hospitalized. Usually, after people almost die but have their life spared, they come out to be a whole new person and love life, blahblah. I'm not like that, I became so withdrawn and I wonder everday.. why did I survive? WHY? There had to be a reason but sometimes I wonder if this is all a huge mistake..

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Guest Sincerely_Me

You know what, hun? I used to kind of be like you. I suffer from actual, clincial depression, it's hard to live that way, and I don't think many people actually realize the struggles and the pure nothingness people who are depressed feel. In my life I battled an eating disorder as well. I never had great self confidence, and therefore I withdrew myself from people, especially when I was younger. I involved myself in places where I was good, acting/singing, dancing, gymnastics/cheerleading. Being a cheerleader and having a very bad view of yourself doesn't make for the most comfortable situation. I felt worse after every single day. I started to get pimples when I was 12 years old, and by the time my Sophomore year of high school rolled around, I had acne, not severe, it was mild, but for someone who already had issues...this definitely wasn't something I wanted to deal with. I was a cheerleader, and I had people tell me all the time I was pretty, even got followed for an hour in the Wiz, to have some guys come up to me and say "I can't help but notice how beautiful you are." As many times as I would hear that, I thought it was bullshit. It took me up until my Senior year of high school to realize that I basically LIVED my life, hoping people never hated me, or thought I was ugly, or whatever. The reality is this, and I've come to accept it, but there are always going to be those people who don't like you, or think you're unattractive. ALWAYS. But you know what? Fuck them. You can't lose any sleep, or concern yourself with the people who mean WHAT to you? It doesn't matter what some people think, because there are 10 more that think something completely different.

After I realized you know, LOOKS shouldn't matter, I decided you know, I care about how I look, but it's not what defines me. You should meet me now. Completely different person. I get told all the time that I have the "perfect" personality. I'm sassy, I'm sarcastic, I'm open, I'm loud, I'm sexy, I'm loving, I'm down-to-Earth...I am being what I naturally am. You know what? I feel better this way. Now? I couldn't give two shits who thinks I'm hot and who doesn't. Doesn't mean anything to me. I'm still me, and I don't have an issue with that. If you do...well, that's your issue, you go deal with it. No tears here.

You need to get some respect for yourself. What you NEED to work on is not your looks, it's your OUTLOOK on life. Life is short, sweetie, and you don't get another one. I know how it feels to be in your situation, I really do, my depression is serious, and you know, as happy as I am on the outside, I'm still depressed, and you know, I think about death EVERY single day...to the point where it's like I "plan" it. It's scary. The point is, you're 16 years old...my God, you're still in high school. HS is SO petty, it is disgusting. I look back on HS now and wonder how I even survived, so much drama and bullshit and once you get out into the REAL world of REAL people, you'll notice it's a lot different than a four walled hell hole of bitches and assholes. You don't want to even think about suicide, you have way too much to live for. The thing is, I know for sure you do. Everyone does. I believe in God, I'm not sure if you do, but I'll say it anyway, God doesn't put people through times/situations they can't get through. You CAN make it through anything, you just have to want to. Don't tell me that you want to when you've given up. DON'T GIVE UP on yourself, that's the worst thing you can do.

If changing your looks will make YOU feel better, good for you. But you better look in the mirror every morning and accept you for you. You can change your attitude if you try. It takes work, but eventually you can do it.

As for your mom, lol, my mom is 45, has AMAZING skin and never had acne. Doesn't look 45 at all. Hun, if you take care of your skin like you are, you'll be like your mom more than likely.

Don't compare yourself to your mother, she's your mom, but you two are totally different.

Anyway, there IS a reason you're alive. You will know why eventually. One day when you're married with kids, you will one day more than likely say THIS is why I'm living, THIS is the outcome of all I went through. You just need to wait for a time like that to come. You're alive for now...you're alive for every bit of happiness you feel. You're alive for the moment you feel free, and REALLY alive. You're alive for so many reasons, and never ever forget that. Even in my darkest moments, after I snap back to reality I know that I would take this, I would take feeling SOMETHING, even sadness, over nothing. And I know that after sadness, even with depression, happiness comes. I may need to work harder than the average person to feel so, but you know what, it's worth it. It really is.

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Thank you! You made me feel better. And I’m from northern NJ too.

I wish I had the same attitude concerning life..honestly I tried too. I sorta gave up faith in God.. I don’t know. I do remind myself something similar, “if you couldn’t handle this, it wouldn’t have happened� I’ve had people call me ugly. It hurts.. But I’ve had people call me pretty too just like people said to you and I also think it’s bullshit. I just can’t see myself the way I do. I’ve also planned it out, I know what you mean.. I’ve been through counseling but I stopped. It didn’t help.

Other people say it too, life after highschool is completely different.. I’m really hoping it is. I think that’s one of the reasons why I haven’t give up yet.. that and because I want to prove to everyone I can make something out of myself and my life, everyone including my mom. I believe in karma and sometimes I wonder why I do. I have a lot of issues with my mom.. I have abusive parents and I’m pretty mad at my mom for staying with my dad. That’s a whole other story. You know how they say “you are your own worst enemy.� My mom is pretty close too being my worst enemy. She is disgusted by my face, stares at it, and once when I didn’t wear make up in public, I got yelled at. I think she’s one of the reasons why I have poor self image problems.. I try so hard to make her proud but I always fail in the end. She loves my brother though.

Changing my looks will make me feel better.. I hope. But I think that I will always find something wrong with me. First I said “I’ll do anything to not have acne anymore.� Now it’s “I’ll do anything to not have scars anymore.� And I have a lot of weight issues. I used to be really overweight and 2 summers ago I lost so much weight and was a size 5. After I almost died, I don’t know what happened. I lost touch of reality.. I started eating more.. And then I started this detox diet in August and stopped around February/March. I’m a size 7/8 sometimes 9. Last day of school I had someone call me ugly.. And all I thought was.. “this summer I have to change.� If I don’t by junior year, I don’t know what I’ll do. You’re right I shouldn’t care what they say but it just hurts so much.

And the last paragraph.. Was beautiful. Thank you. I know I’m not the only one going through this but sometimes I have no one to talk too. My best friend is one of the “popular� girls in our highschool.. And people probably wonder how because of the way I look. I didn’t take dancing/singing etc I really didn’t do anything with my life.. I was too self conscious all the time of what people would think of me. Even when I was 10, I wanted to start dancing but I never did because I thought people would make fun of me..

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