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winter girl

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i am back and angry 

i have the most painful huge zit on my forehead like THE most painful fffffffing thing ever omg 

so i've been getting these weird blackhead pimples (a bump with a blackhead in the center but the blackhead DOES NOT come out and theres no puss) that are super weird and literally IMPOSSIBLE to get rid of. 

so, i noticed like two of these little blackhead bumps and so i tried to squeeze them because the blackhead looked like it was going to come out but of course nothing came out. 

and so then the next day (yesterday) i woke up to a throbbing huge red mess. i then did the hot compress - cold ice cube method all day as well as applied benzoyl peroxide and salicylic acid, i also took an ibuprofen internally and topically applied ibuprofen as well. By the end of the day yesterday, it seemed like it was basically gone. no redness, no swelling, just a bit of residual pain. i went to bed pleased that i have dealt with the issue. 

this morning i woke up to a throbbing, huge swollen blind pimple- like a huge bump in that entire area. its not even one visible bump, its just one large inflamed hill on my face. 

of course, i picked at it again. and again and again and again and again and again. i slathered 10% BP on it and 2% salicylic acid on top of that. tee tree oil. pink sulfur spot treatment sh!t. vigourously rubbed it all in while crying and looking at myself in the mirror. i got angrier. i squeezed. and squeezed. and cried some more. 

so now it's been a few hours since did that, and i have a big red area on my face and horrible scabs. 

 

so the reason why i am so angry, is not only because of this SH!T, but my grandmother is sick with the virus and my mother had to fly out to see her but things haven't gone to plan and she's doing worse (she lives in a third world country) there are no hospital beds available, she is getting no care, and i'm just crying my eyes out because everything has just gone to SH!T so fast. i miss my mom. im terrified of my grandma dying. its too soon. i love her so much, she helped raise me. oh god, i am so depressed. I wish i had high functioning depression, but i just cant deal with anything, not even school. oh yeah, did i mention i'm in college and have loads of schoolwork to do too?

 

overwhelmed is truly, an understatement at this point. 

 

im just thinking about how my acne started when i took plan b, a year and a half ago. its insane how that F****K**G little F*****K pill, did so. much. damage. oh if only there were a smiling while shooting self emojj. im just done. 

 

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