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happy [censored] new year.

winter girl



so its dec 31 

its funny, i was fine this morning. 

and i had plans with my boyfriend, not actual new years plans, cause i wanted to spend time with my family- he invited me out with his family to this restaurant and yeah, i wanted to go, but id rather stay with my family-- anyway, 

we had plans to hangout a little during the afternoon and early evening, but then he just wasnt responding to me and i was just sitting in bed, all dressed up and ready to go, and he was M.I freaking A.

and then when he finally texted me that i could leave my house now, i looked in the mirror and noticed..... a .... bump.

oh that malicious, horrible, bump, that appears in the afternoon, just as a nice surprise that even though you woke up with clear skin, doesn't mean you will go to sleep with clear skin!

i honestly just started crying and texted my boyfriend that i was over it and i already took off all my clothes and makeup (which looked really freaking good today, btw) and that i wont be going out. 

i guess i was just tired, of having to feel that horrible sinking feeling every time i looked in the mirror and noticed a new bump. 

i dont know, i thought i was over it.... ive been doing well these past few weeks. 

i guess its something in the air tonight... the end of a decade, maybe 2019 is giving me one last nice slap in the face before it peaces out. 

2019 was really [censored] horrible. 

i was just texting my old friend and they asked me if anything special happened to me this year. 

the first thing i said was that i met my boyfriend. because that really was the most special thing. 

but then i got to thinking about all of the stinky CRAP i went through with my acne and depression and i got really sad. 

but then i told my friend, that despite all of that, the special thing is that i really did find myself. i don't think i ever really knew myself before shit hit the fan. i was living in a facade created by me, and i couldnt see clearly. 

there were moments in 2019 where i saw clearer than i ever have. 

i guess that was what was special. 

and maybe now, im crying because i subconsciously am martyring 2019- martyr is a harsh word, and i dont really know if my intent is gonna come across in that sentence, but i really feel like it is what im doing, and why i feel so sad and blurry right now. 

like, you know when something so bad, like SO traumatizingly bad happens to you, you sadistically hold it close to your heart, after you've survived it?

i feel like ive been struggling with my acne for so long now, it's become something more than physical, its now, a symbol. i dont know, i sound freaking insane, im just rambling and i dont really know where i am going with this. 

i always found myself in hard moments asking, "when will this be over?"

lately, those moments are more sparse. im grateful for the happy days ive had recently. 

maybe i'll stop asking when it'll be over, and start asking more important questions, like....

where's the vodka?



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