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this morning

winter girl


i have one class this morning. 

obviously i dont want to go, i am dreading it.

im just going to wear my cap to cover my face.

its not going to make me feel any better though. 

i just feel so fucking tired. 

last night after i wrote my first three depressing entries, i made myself draw and write in my journal. 

i found that it did calm me a little, and made me forget about crying and hating myself. 

because the reality is, i dont hate myself. i do love myself, and that is why i am so hard on me. 

that is why i am so disappointed in myself. 

but no more of that low self esteem talk.

i will love myself with acne. 

i will do it. i say this every time i have a breakdown about my skin, and i never follow through, but this time it's different. 

i think about my grandmother and how much she went through this year. (it seems like 2019 was a hell year for everyone, i think it had something to do with the saturn transit)

i think about how at 82, she had untreated pneumonia for two weeks and SURVIVED. (my grandmother lives in the most rural part of romania, people there hardly recognize symptoms of illness and even if they did, the doctos arent properly equipped to treat it, the patient would have to endure a five hour car ride to the capital to get treated in a hospital). 

my grandmother survived this, through being positive. even this year when we went to visit her, she was barely walking, but her hope and positivity was so strong. it was like she wasn't scared of death, after all she went through, because she knew, that she would heal. she knew things would get better. there wasn't a doubt, a negative thought in her mind. that is what healed her. 

i wish i could just know that this will get better for me. 

i need my grandmother right now, 

she always makes me feel better. 









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