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self harm, self hatred

winter girl


ive been crying for 8 months straight. 

this is the third entry for tonight, i am just so tired. 

i remember a few months ago i was feeling this way and i tried to get in contact with the national suicide hotline. i waited for an hour, never got connected to anyone. i really needed someone then. maybe i need someone now. i just dont even know how i would attempt to describe, to a therapist, the fact that my depression solely exists because of my acne. the fact that i have self harmed and attempted suicide a short while ago, because of my acne. i am embarrassed to say those things aloud. my mom and sister are the only ones who know about that part of me. i know its been hard on them too, having to pick me up from breaking down hundreds of times over these past months. i hate this feeling. i want to be happy, so bad, this is just so hard. i feel so stuck in this place. i wonder what will set me free. self love, confidence, acceptance, probably. but those are things i just cant seem to grasp. if miracles exist, i wish to accept and love myself with acne. 

all i have left to say is "why?" 

why this much pain?

there has been so much of it. so much. i am surprised i am still here, to be honest. 

all of this, i know i will look back on and it will make me feel sick, but i will appreciate the happy moments more, i will be thankful that i had survived this.

i just dont know when i will be able to "look back" at this era of my life. i am still in it. i am still in this hell. i am trying to get out. 


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I suck at making others feel better but I know one thing for sure, I was in the same boat with you. When I had acne, I hated everything about it which made me want to hate on a lot of things in life. I thought of attempting suicide plenty of times but never got to really doing it. I didn't want to go out with my friends, I broke up with my ex because I wanted to be by myself, lacked focus in school, sometimes calling out of work, constant worry of new pimples forming already at any given point in the day, etc. I pushed not just everyone away, but my goals and ambitions and what I cared for in life. But that moment being felt was just an episode and eventually it'll pass through with time.

I knew then that my mind was just playing tricks with me thinking I wasn't good enough to do anything.I had low self-esteem and I blamed acne for that. But when I was in the process of clearing my acne, I told myself that I need a little push with my thoughts and feelings. I told myself that I am going to have a clear face and to achieve that,  it is to focus less on how I look and to focus more on what my future will look like. You know what I did? For months and months I avoided looking at myself wherever I go and thought of how I am going to be with clear skin. I said to myself that the only thing I can do to pass through hard times like these was to keep my head up and staying focus on my future because I know in that future I envision won't ever be like anything I did today. Won't be like anything I was going through. 

I wanted to eventually look back and be proud of it because I made it out of that sick rabbit role and it was part of my life I would never forget~never forgetting that in the past acne has made me feel weak but strong at the same time. Experiencing acne at some point in my life has also shaped me for who I am thus making me a better person and caused me to love myself more and to appreciate what I have. Trust me, all you need is a little push and it is part of life. As much as it sucks right now, you have to tell yourself that all is temporary and one day you'll achieve greatness in life only if you put your mind and heart in it. Who cares what you look like today, no one is going to look at that. Everybody is focused on themselves and what they want in life. Everybody is going through different kinds of things and some of those things are worse than having acne.

 I am 100% clear and I couldn't be more happier with the results. I am very outgoing, I have a lot of friends, a family to love, Ive continued to stay focused on my studies, and I want to excel in life no matter what throws at me. And as somebody with a clear skin now, I don't have any interest of looking at other people with acne because I know that acne is just a temporary thing. 

Think of it this way. You can only control what you allow yourself to think. You can control on things you chose to care about. The question is, is it relevant a year from now? Two years from now? The way you think of things is how you think of reality. If you think the world is a bad place to live in, the world is a bad place to live in because you allow that statement to be true. If you constantly think of new pimples forming at any given point in the day, reality is going to give you that because like I said, you allow that statement to be true.

My advice for you is to care less of how you look and how it made you feel and to care more of what your future will look like from now and how happy you will be in the future. When I had acne, I strayed my focus away from it, continued using my routine and little did I know push came through shove when I realized my skin has been clear for sometime and what was left for me was some red marks. I didn't let that bother me either because I used make-up over it. Overtime I was getting light with my foundation because the redness from acne actually went away and took me some time to realize that it has been gone but never kept track on how long. The whole point of this was that if you don't spend too much time on things that make you upset and spend a lot of time on things that is going to benefit you for the rest of your life, I promise you things really do tend to get better and it is worth it. Life is pretty good at making us feel completely like sh**, but it is also good at looking out for you only if you take that to your advantage.

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i dont know why im just seeing your comment now, im sorry! but i just wanted to say thank you for this, thank you for being genuine and taking the time to be kind, it really means so much to me. i wish you so much happiness and love and light. 

Edited by lizuca10
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Quizas sea algo tonto, pero si algún dia vuelves a necesitar simplemente hablar con alguien, aunque sea un simple chat aqui esta mi número ( +55 322 352 22 96), quizas solo sea un chat, pero se por experiencia propia que aveces ayuda mucho :), a esperar que te pasara en el futuro... :U

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