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my ocd

winter girl


this experience with acne has exacerbated my ocd. 

i have always had obsessive compulsive tendencies, but thats all that they were. tendencies.

im going to be completely honest here, and i hope i dont trigger anyone. 

before all of this, i would do this thing where i had to repeat this phrase in my head until it sounded right, whenever i thought about something that i did not want to happen. 

i would also knock five times on wood with my right hand (only my index finger knuckle was able to touch the wood), or ten times with each hand, when i touched the wood with more than my index finger's knuckle. 

i would do this in response to, like i previously mentioned, whenever i would think about something bad happening and i want to "avoid" it. 

this soon turned into ocd controlled solely by my fear of acne. 

now, most of my daily tasks are determined by my ocd. and if i do not do it the way the voice in my head tells me to, according to me, my acne will worsen. 

for example, i will take you through my day so you can see how often my ocd pops up to control my actions. what were once insignificant, daily actions, are now complex and done consciously in a specific way that my ocd tells me to do it. im going to leave out a bunch of mini rituals that i do, and only talk about the main ones i remember, because there are just so many. you can see why i am tired, lol.

every morning now, upon waking, when i enter the bathroom i am not allowed to look in the mirror until after i use the toilet.

next, when washing my face i have specific rules and steps not to physically touch my cleanser until i have wiped with my toner, and when rinsing my face off i use 4-7 cotton pads when i really could just use two, but my ocd makes me feel like if i dont use another one, i havent cleaned well enough, and ill be sorry. 

next, when making breakfast, i use the same butter knife, can't use anything else or else what i eat will make me breakout,

i have to use the same plate and when i put food in the microwave i use the time that my ocd tells me to use, whether or not its too long or too short, i have to deal with my food not being hot enough or being way too hot because my ocd tells me i have to do these things. 

when doing my makeup, i have to take out my mascara, eyeliner and brush with my right hand, and my powder with my left hand. they cannot touch. 

then comes my mirror ritual. 

this one is by far, the worst, and has made me late to so many things, so many times. 

once i am finished making myself as beautiful as possible, i have to look in the mirror until i feel like it is sufficient for me to go outside and get started with my day. this is especially hard when i have visible acne that day that i have tried to cover with makeup, but i can still see. i try to look at myself from all these different angles only to make myself feel worse because you could see my acne through my makeup. at this point, i would most likely begin to cry, and wipe off all my makeup, wash my face again until its red, dry, and irritated, put on too much of an acne treatment, go back to bed and continue to cry myself to sleep, at 10 in the morning, when i should have already left my house, and been on my way to school. 

this ocd and narcissism, i feel so trapped in. i was never like this before i started breaking out. 

and the fact that i have been like this for 8 months, can you just imagine how tired my mind is?

having to live with a constantly spinning record that wont let me breathe?

i am so tired. 

so fucking tired. 


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