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winter girl


please read my first forum before starting this.

today, i stayed home from school again

woke up to a zit

i cant help it

i try not to let my acne control my life, but it literally will not let me go free

ive noticed lately i do not cry as much about my acne like i used to. when the acne first started creeping up, i would cry over small teeny pimples.

now that i am getting regular painful cysts i have become desensitized, yet still so sensitive when it comes to my skin. Its hard to describe. its become so normal that i dont freakout initially, but then i cry because i am sad that this is a normal thing for me. i am sad that i have to deal with recurring acne. 

right now, i feel this stone in my throat and ive been going to the bathroom mirror every half hour to reapply some treatment or whatever fucking diy i try to come up with to make it go away.

that has been my day. it is sad, right? other people have it so much worse and im staying home from school because of my acne. i am obsessing over something that most people would laugh at if they knew. 

i try to avoid looking at photos from december- august. december-march being the months where i was so happy with clear skin and so innocent, and april-august being my most depressed, suicidal moments. okay so i said i didnt feel like crying, but now i am, because i looked at the old photos from when i had clear skin and was happy. i shouldn't have looked, all it does is make me feel so much regret and yearning to turn back the clock. of only we could do that...just thinking of how innocent i was, how naive and unsuspecting of the horror that was coming to me in the near future, makes me cry. 

i don't want to cry but i am, still, after eight months. sometimes i wonder if there is anything more i could do for god. maybe he is angry with me. i know that i did this to myself, and god has helped me be strong to not literally kill myself, i cant help but wonder why i am still going through this pain. 

have i not learned all my lessons that i needed to learn through this experience?

have i not tried hard enough?

will this ever end?

will i forever feel scarred, and permanently marked by this experience? 

will it continue to rule my entire life, as it has been for the past 8 months?

i ask myself these questions every day. because everyday feels like i am losing more and more of myself and i am terrified.

i am terrified i will never be free from the clutches of my acne and acne-related ocd.

on days where i have clear skin, i feel relieved, and almost happy that i went through what i did, which sounds masochistic, but its because i feel a wisdom that i did not have before. dont you guys feel the same? when you have made it through something difficult, you feel so relieved that you made it, and even more thankful for who you are now, because you are more wise? on days where i feel like i am finally healing, i acknowledge all of the ugly moments in the past few months that taught me a lesson to not play with your health or hormones, because there will be consequences. 

but on days like this, bad skin days, all i feel is regret because i am reminded of why i am here, what i did that placed me directly in this agonizing moment. 

on days like this, i am back to frantically googling hormonal or digestive acne solutions, and researching a bunch of products that i only fantasize about trying them and them clearing my skin forever,  but i never buy them. i guess at this point i am kind of hopeless that any topical products would work on me. 

i don't know if i'll ever forgive myself.

every time i think i have, the bad voices in my head feed me nothing but self hatred and regret. 

not falling back down in the hole of depression is like holding on by a thread that is burning your hand. 

that is how i feel these days. 


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