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Day 983

billygirl

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I can hardly believe that more than 2.5 years have passed since I started this blog. And guess what? My skin is still the same. In fact, it really doesn't look much different to how it did when I started (see pics below), which isn't much different to the years of bad skin I've had all my life. The thing with my skin now is that at 43 it is far, far too desiccated and dry to wear any kind of make-up or cover up, so I'm stuck with disgusting flaking spots and the whole world has to see them every day.

I could cry, I'm so depressed right now. My skin has held me back my entire life. It has affected my relationships, it has ruined my ability to progress in the workplace (because of low self-esteem), it has destroyed my confidence socially.

I am SO sick of living this way. I coloured my hair for the first time to cover the increasing amount of grey last week, but I still have the spots that started when I was a teenager. I have wrinkles and acne. Grey hair and zits. I hate the way I look.

Here's my skin today (see pics).

THERE HAS TO BE A WAY TO CHANGE THIS.

I feel so ugly. 

So I am going to solve this problem.

I just cannot carry on putting my life on hold any longer. I have recently separated from my husband of 14 years and I have absolutely no confidence whatsoever. My life revolves around my children, but one day they will be grown and gone. I actually feel that I am starting to look really masculine because my skin is so horrible.

So, here's where I am:

1. What I put on my skin makes very little difference (I have tried everything in the last 30 years)
2. It's all about what I eat
3. In my case, unless I stick to a really strict healthy diet, my skin looks shit
4. My genetics means that bad stuff shows on my skin. I suppose I should be grateful I have an external indicator of my health.
5. THE PROBLEM: I find sticking to a healthy diet impossible

There is only ONE way to sort my skin out.

I HAVE to sort my diet out.

It doesn't matter if it's the most miserable existence on the planet, eating a better diet will make my skin better and that is all I have ever really wanted my whole life.

I know what I need to do. I need to stop the sugar and the alcohol.

However, I am emotionally dependent on both. I have tried countless times to give them up and I always fail. This is how it always goes:

1. I start eating healthy food
2. I feel like utter shit
3. I get ill (detox??)
4. I get through the illness (cold or flu)
5. I think I'm going okay
6. I allow myself a treat, which turns into many treats
7. I find myself back at square one

Same. Old. Story. Every time.

I can give up one, but not both. Not without failing and ending up eating and drinking more and more each time. It's so self-destructive and I have no idea why it is this way.

Why is it so hard to do the one thing that will help?



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