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Month 3 Week 4



Well, almost done 4 months. I'm definitely not where I thought I would be with this accutane, and that is super discouraging. I don't think I've ever been this upset over my skin. I'm obsessed with how it looks, like never before. Now I'm worried about other things this accutane might do and very self-conscious. I'm always wearing sweaters or shirts that cover most of my neck, back, and arms. I try to avoid mirrors so that I actually don't even have to look at my body acne. My face has a new pimple every day. And usually very noticeable ones. I have a pretty good routine when it comes to my skin. Shower once, or twice, a day. Moisturize. Toner. Acne cream or Tea Tree Oil. Doctor said I have acne scarring and to even get started on that I would need 3 months after my accutane to start even thinking about it. I'm sad. I've never felt so defeated over something. I feel trapped inside my body. I actually don't want to scare anyone because I feel like everyone has thoughts like this but I just figured how much more comfortable i'd feel out of my body and how I just wouldn't feel this need to constantly hide or cover up my body or skin. I just don't want this anymore, I feel so betrayed by own body when I try to love everyone so big no matter what. Why can't I just feel like that, why does this make me feel so small and powerless. I just want something to work. Anything. I even prayed to anyone or anything to please rid me of my acne. This is the lowest I've felt about my skin ever, I really hope something happens. 

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Stay strong.  Remember this drug will give you dark thoughts and dark days.  It might take 6 months, it might take longer.  Practice self care (ice packs on the face and binge watching your favorite shows helps).  Treat yourself like the victim of a fire who is badly burned.  Give yourself permission to wallow, but also practice radical self-love.  Soup, ice water with lemon, anything that makes you feel like a patient in need of some TLC (even if you are the only one giving you TLC) just helps to change your mentality from "I can't do this" to "I deserve the very best care, kindness and patience because I am going through a real ordeal" helps.  

I am the mother of a son and a daughter going through this.  I feel helpless.  All I can give is love and make home a sanctuary from the rest of the world.  Sending some of that mom love your way.  

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