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Vent

Lore91

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I just need to vent. My skin has controlled me for so long, it's played such a toll on my self esteem. My self-confidence has always been so low, for all of my life. I remember a therapist last year asking m why I let it control me so much, and to think back to anything in my past that could have affected this and my insanely low self-worth. At the time I just ignored the question, I mean... a therapist couldn't help me clear my skin, right? However... recently, while i've been looking back, I've realised just how long I've felt inadequate and different.

I'm a small guy. I always have been. Right now I stand at 5 foot 4 inches. I remember ever since I was five and joined primary school I was always the shortest, and I always got mocked for it. I was called a midgit and a dwarf. I used to get so upset...I would come home crying because I hated how small I was compared to my peers. Imagine a fucking seven year old kid coming home crying because they hated their image...

I remember one time my teacher actually lifted me up onto the table and, with me standing on the table infront of him, he laughed infront of the class at how I /still/ wasn't as tall as him. It was something I hated. I even went to a doctor about it when I was around 13/14 and had some kind of injection in my butt every month to try and help me grow to the tallest I could be. This is a kid acually having medication to change his image because he felt different.

Eventually I went through primary and secondary school being called small, and just having to deal wth it. After I went to a dance college to persue my passion for performing. I trained day and night, but again...the small factor always lived up to its name, but this time along with other stuff. I was told I was too skinny, too small. A ballet teacher once made me and another guy (who was very muscular) do a certain excercise - and I did it better...but guess what? Even proving myself wasn't enough. The teacher turns around to the muscular guy and goes "He jumped higher than you, and look at the size of /him/ compared to you."

I think the low point came when I was told I was too skinny and short to work by an agent. I would cry constanty. I wouldn't get cast in anything or any roles because of my height and looks throughout my  training.

But...like the small thing in primary/secondary school, I pushed through it and graduated. I ended up getting some nice jobs and working, finally getting over the small thing...heck, I actually ENJOY being small now. I've gotten all of my jobs BECAUSE I'm small, and I've had some fantastic work....I learnt to love  myself.

And then my skin flared up. Bad. It came up after a very bad and stressful time in my life, and has persisted and goten worse ever since. Sure...I don't have the most severe acne in the world, but it's bad. I cry everyday, I've written a suicide note before in the past. I have seb derm on my cheeks/nose, and acne and scarring on my face, back and neck. My face is the worst and, after a failed course of roaccutane, I am now at a loss. Nothing ever seems to work.

I don't know how much lower my self-worth can get. I've hated myself since I was 5 fucking years old, and have always been told how different I was from everyone else. You'd think God or someone would give me a break. Just let me live my life. I want to just look in the mirror and feel contempt. When my accutane cleared me I was ecstatic. I was back to the person I was meant to be...and then it all came back.

My skin has controlled me, it's destroyed so many factors in my life. I'd be a completely different person if it wasnt for my skin. I never go out, I never see anyone. I'm fed up of looking in the mirror and just hating myself. No-one else seems to have it around me. I know people who do hardcore drugs but still have flawless skin.

One year ago today I was on accutane and hopeful. Now, here I am, one year later hysterically crying into my laptop as I type out this fucking miserable post.

I don't think I could pray any harder.



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I'm so, so sorry you feel this way about yourself. But you are not alone. Acne made me hate myself more than I ever have. It made me think I didn't deserve love, food, or any social interaction. I am sorry that the low dose accutane did not work for you, as well. That is beyond frustrating and probably seems hopeless to some degree. However, there is hope. This is only temporary. You WILL find what works for you, because I can tell it is important for you. I like this quote that is something like "patience isn't just waiting for something to happen, it's being happen while things seem to stay the same". It is so important to work your way out of this mentality. I was diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety 2 months ago. At that point, I had reached my lowest point of my life. I started to change the way I thought. Although yes, I did see a dermatologist and get on a better skin-clearance plan, that wasn't what helped. What I did was recognize my biggest fear, getting pimples. Saying it out loud, telling a friend, whatever it was I did but saying it out loud made me realize that it is something I can tackle. I can handle this fear. I can't necessarily prevent this fear, but I can have a fierce attitude about it. I remember telling myself, "come at me pimples." which sounds soooo lame haha but hey, it got me through some gnarly breakouts. I am still dealing with this fear. The first month of Accutane was fulll of new breakouts, I almost gave up. But I knew there was a light. There ALWAYS is. Acne is temporary, because you are actively trying to find your solution. You got this. You have already gone through SO much with you height, and it made you a resilient performer and person! 

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