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A note.

MissSac17

566 views

This is just a post, a note, about my feelings. I have to get them out. Im sick of writing in a diary that I know no-one will read. However, even with this I don't know who will want to read it. Im literally spilling everything out here so I apologise in advance.

I am falling a part. That's how I feel right now, its not just skin related there are other things going on too. My bit toes are sore (possible arthritis) and now my lower back is sore. I work in a food factory which is tiresome and the early hours kill my happiness, but also standing for 8 hours after 7 years is affecting my body. I had a passion for fitness but I haven't actually exercisied for literally 3 months. That's partly due to soreness but also because I have been busy with uni, but more recently I don't want to face people.

I don't want to face people because of skin right now. It is not great. It is far from good, or even okay. Its shit. I could have huge huge cysts though but I don't I have a million bumps all over my face. This is affecting me in many fucking ways, my self esteem is the lowest its been in a long time and I cant eat. I cant stomach it. Im not eating like I used to anyway because I feel so guilty all the time. I do not know where to go from here, I dont have a clear skin regimen because I am sick of wasting money on product after products. And this Isotrex retinoid is just not sitting well with me, I don't know if the reaction Im having is normal or not.

More recently I am also losing my boyfriend, I feel anyway. I am draining him, I know it. I think he is struggling with how to deal with me, I only met him 4 months ago and I do love him, and he loves me. But Im losing him because of my depression. That hurts and makes me feel selfish. Im selfish because Im trying to "fix" me.  I think I look very ugly right now, and I cant even look my boyfriend properly in the eyes, because I feel ashamed. Ashamed of my face.

Yeah, so that;s me. A 24 year old woman who dislikes herself so much, and crys at almost anything. Ive lost who I was 4 months ago..Ive lost hope.  



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This almost brought me to tears because 2 months ago I was exactly where you were. I was on a medication that was making me break out worse than ever before, and I had a severe emotional breakdown. This included crying everyday, panic attacks at least twice a day, secluding myself from friends and boyfriend, dropping out of school, and not eating. I literally had to give up on everything because I was not taking care of myself. I needed time, and so I gave it to myself. I did a month of therapy, moved home with my parents, and now I am just taking it easy while I'm going through the first few months of Accutane. I don't know if I would be alive if I hadn't admitted failure and taken time for myself. I was depressed for 3 months, and 2 months into recovery and I still have bad days, but I am surrounded by my family who love and accept me, so I can cope much better. As much as I want to move back and get on with my life, I know this is what's best for me. I feel like I am almost ready, and all I can do now is work on myself everyday. I want you to know that the most important thing to do is get emotional help. Clear skin will come, but your mind needs work NOW. If you aren't eating, that is not good for your body and mind. Please seek help some where. The whole time I would tell myself "my life will be better once my skin clears up" and when I continued to breakout, my life slipped away from me. Once my mind was at peace, my skin improved slowly but surely. Now when I have a breakout, I let myself be upset, and then I force myself to spend time with my mom or go see family friends. I have been where you are. There IS hope. But you must work a little to get there! 

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29 minutes ago, TaneBabe said:

This almost brought me to tears because 2 months ago I was exactly where you were. I was on a medication that was making me break out worse than ever before, and I had a severe emotional breakdown. This included crying everyday, panic attacks at least twice a day, secluding myself from friends and boyfriend, dropping out of school, and not eating. I literally had to give up on everything because I was not taking care of myself. I needed time, and so I gave it to myself. I did a month of therapy, moved home with my parents, and now I am just taking it easy while I'm going through the first few months of Accutane. I don't know if I would be alive if I hadn't admitted failure and taken time for myself. I was depressed for 3 months, and 2 months into recovery and I still have bad days, but I am surrounded by my family who love and accept me, so I can cope much better. As much as I want to move back and get on with my life, I know this is what's best for me. I feel like I am almost ready, and all I can do now is work on myself everyday. I want you to know that the most important thing to do is get emotional help. Clear skin will come, but your mind needs work NOW. If you aren't eating, that is not good for your body and mind. Please seek help some where. The whole time I would tell myself "my life will be better once my skin clears up" and when I continued to breakout, my life slipped away from me. Once my mind was at peace, my skin improved slowly but surely. Now when I have a breakout, I let myself be upset, and then I force myself to spend time with my mom or go see family friends. I have been where you are. There IS hope. But you must work a little to get there! 


Thanks for your reply, honestly. What medication were you on before? Honestly how you were feeling feels like me right now. I feel so so horrible. Can I ask, what type of acne do you suffer with mainly? Im happy you have such a good support of family around you. I only have my mum and boyfriend that "really" know how I feel about my face. But even then, I feel they are at a loss because we keep going round in circles. I am really struggling to believe hope actually exists.  I   just want my life back.

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Spironolactone. It gave me nodular acne (small cysts that never come to a head), closed comedones, and on top of that I had a HORRIBLE picking problem, due to the anxiety that these breakouts gave me. Once I stopped that medication, I experienced a HUGE breakout once again (multiple cysts, tiny bumps, the WHOLE DEAL), and that spiraled out of control. Now I am 2 months off of it and I have only mild acne (a couple spots and red marks from my picking days). I am in a similar situation, my mom is the only one who I can really break down in front of. My boyfriend, who I haven't seen since I moved home, does not take me seriously and that reason amongst other things is why we are taking time to ourselves. Taking myself seriously was the best thing I ever did for myself. Even if it meant putting life on hold, I am alive and well today. Yes I still break out (have a pretty gnarly spot on my cheek actually, yay!) but now I know I can give myself time to heal when I need to. Therapy really helped at the beginning. Have you considered going to therapy? 

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19 hours ago, TaneBabe said:

Spironolactone. It gave me nodular acne (small cysts that never come to a head), closed comedones, and on top of that I had a HORRIBLE picking problem, due to the anxiety that these breakouts gave me. Once I stopped that medication, I experienced a HUGE breakout once again (multiple cysts, tiny bumps, the WHOLE DEAL), and that spiraled out of control. Now I am 2 months off of it and I have only mild acne (a couple spots and red marks from my picking days). I am in a similar situation, my mom is the only one who I can really break down in front of. My boyfriend, who I haven't seen since I moved home, does not take me seriously and that reason amongst other things is why we are taking time to ourselves. Taking myself seriously was the best thing I ever did for myself. Even if it meant putting life on hold, I am alive and well today. Yes I still break out (have a pretty gnarly spot on my cheek actually, yay!) but now I know I can give myself time to heal when I need to. Therapy really helped at the beginning. Have you considered going to therapy? 


Im happy coming off of Spiro helped your skin. Im guessing your derm felt you had exhausted all options so just put you on Accutane?
My skin is disgusting today, I totally made a mess of it all and squeezed some pores on my forhead, its like things are moving out of my head, like bits of grains. Now I had 5 bloody dots on my forehead with a cluster of bumps :( also my neck, I really never break out on my neck so I don't understand this why I have all these bumps around there. Im considering going on birth control right now because of this. I cannot face people man, so upset I look like this right now. I don't see my derm until July unless I pay privately for a new one and beg for Accutane. So I keep thinking about just toughening the Isotrex out, since its bee just 3 and a half weeks. What do you think ?
I really like your attitude you know.
I really think I need to see a therapist tbh.

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Yeah coming off spiro was the best thing for me. It gave me hormonal acne, but the thing is I really thought my acne was hormonal, so it was both confusing and frustrating when this drug made my problem worse for almost 3 log months! Also, my derm was one of those that didn't listen, so I switched derms and the second one was the one who prescribed me Accutane. I started Bactrim and Epiduo forte during the month before Accutane and my skin went back down to one or two spots with some clogged pores. Which is where I am now, as I'm only 30 days into accutane. It's still a journey. I have breakouts every week, but they get smaller and smaller. Anyways, with the Isotrex, I'm assuming that it's something like tretenoin cream? I used tretenoin cream (.025%) before I switched derms and it was honestly the only thing that helped my forehead acne, as I didn't use it anywhere else cause of the purging fear. It cleared me up after a few weeks, but not without purging. So I understand that, and I do think  you should continue it. When I started Accutane, I had to stop my topical, which made me break out so bad. That was my drive to keep going on the Accutane though; I have been going through horrible breakouts, so why stop now? The progress IS happening, just in a different way. The goal for each medication is to get 90-100% clear, and if you read a lot of tretenoin experiences, SO many people get clear with that stuff. Isotrex's main ingredient is isotretenoin so is it very similiar, if not better, than regular tretenoin. But you also read people saying that is takes a few months, and gets way worse before it gets better; same with Accutane! I know you are depressed with your skin condition, but quitting the medication and going back to your old skin will take you back to square one, then you will start another topical, and have another initial breakout. You are still most certainly in the time frame of the initial breakout. HOWEVER, getting a second derm was the best thing I ever did. But wait it out; I would say at the 2 or 3 months mark, if there is no improvement, go back to your derm or see a new one. Are you on an antibiotic currently? What other acne medicines have you tried? (topical and oral).
Therapy changed my life. I took a few weeks off and I have noticed a change in mood, so I'm going back tomorrow! It was hard to actually sign up for therapy at 21 years old, but I now have no shame from it, I actually talk about it a lot actually. It has forced myself to accept what is going on with my life, cause I know I will be better and better as the days go on! 

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Yeah I can understand why that would be confusing for you! I really hope Accutane starts working, I like that your logging it too, do you ever feel like uploading pictures of your skin?
Yes the Isotrex is sort of like tretinoin, so its a retinoid but its the active ingredient that's in Acuutane at 0.05%. Yeah I guess I wasn't prepared mentally for the initial breajout mainly because I was on Differin for like 20 weeks and had no initial breakout.. but not 100% clear skin, maybe like 75-80% HOWEVER its nothing like that anymore, my face is like one big rash :( these spots on my neck are bothering me, loads of them, ive never had that before.  I know what you mean, if I stop Im just at square one and I wouldn't know what to use, but even now I don't know what to wash my face with anymore :/
In the past Ive tried: Lymecycline twice, Azelaic acid, Birth control pills, natural methods (many), simple acne.org regime which wasn't their products though, Benzoyl peroxide which I still use, Differin, Duac gel, Zineryt (antibiotic ointment)

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hi 

i haven't been on this forum  in a long minute but i did try isotrex long before it was more widely prescribed in the UK. It broke me out a fair bit and after a good amount of months went by it i gave up as  it made me red. I did use it without a moisturizer which probably didn't help.

You said differin cleared you up  quite a bit - back before any Dr in the UK new about epiduo i think 2012 i got it prescribed and that is a mix of bp and differin and to be fair that did clear my skin after around 8 weeks or so. I used to use it at night 30mins after i washed without adding a moisturizer afterwards it did burn after a week or so of use but eventually it stopped and in the am i  used to moisturize. 

hope that helps 

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20 minutes ago, fadedjay said:

hi 

i haven't been on this forum  in a long minute but i did try isotrex long before it was more widely prescribed in the UK. It broke me out a fair bit and after a good amount of months went by it i gave up as  it made me red. I did use it without a moisturizer which probably didn't help.

You said differin cleared you up  quite a bit - back before any Dr in the UK new about epiduo i think 2012 i got it prescribed and that is a mix of bp and differin and to be fair that did clear my skin after around 8 weeks or so. I used to use it at night 30mins after i washed without adding a moisturizer afterwards it did burn after a week or so of use but eventually it stopped and in the am i  used to moisturize. 

hope that helps 

Did the Isotrex clear you up at all after it broke you out? So you found moisturising made it worse?

Yeah Differin did sort of help me a little, but not fully. I personally don't think I will be fully clear until I go on Roaccutane although the side effects make me nervous. But right now all I can do is wait this out with the Isotrex.
 

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it never really cleared me and i didn't really use a moisturizer which may have stopped the irritation.  i have been on 2 private rounds of roaccutane  and it still hasn't fixed my issues to be honest or put me in a place where i am happy with my skin

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21 minutes ago, MissSac17 said:

Yeah I can understand why that would be confusing for you! I really hope Accutane starts working, I like that your logging it too, do you ever feel like uploading pictures of your skin?
Yes the Isotrex is sort of like tretinoin, so its a retinoid but its the active ingredient that's in Acuutane at 0.05%. Yeah I guess I wasn't prepared mentally for the initial breajout mainly because I was on Differin for like 20 weeks and had no initial breakout.. but not 100% clear skin, maybe like 75-80% HOWEVER its nothing like that anymore, my face is like one big rash :( these spots on my neck are bothering me, loads of them, ive never had that before.  I know what you mean, if I stop Im just at square one and I wouldn't know what to use, but even now I don't know what to wash my face with anymore :/
In the past Ive tried: Lymecycline twice, Azelaic acid, Birth control pills, natural methods (many), simple acne.org regime which wasn't their products though, Benzoyl peroxide which I still use, Differin, Duac gel, Zineryt (antibiotic ointment)

Yes I am uploading pics of my skin once I have been on my new dosage for a couple weeks. I have a pics right now that are posted on my accutane instagram, @TaneBabe :) 

The thing with any treatment is that everyone is SO different. For example, people say so many good things about Aczone but it immediatly broke me out in pimples and a rash. On the other hand, people say such horrible things about Epiduo, and that is the only topical that I found any success with! Which has the same active ingredient as Differin actually. Are you still on birth control?

I wash my face with Purpose cleaner, the one that's "gentle as water". I do this so that I can gage what is making me break out if I have a flare-up. Because I KNOW it's not my cleanser. It's also gently but takes off EVERYTHING. I buy it at Walgreens, Wal-mart, anywhere. It's something I have kept the same for years. Through clear skin and breakouts! What is your current regimen?

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