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Dec 20, 2015

niklaus

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This is my first blog post ever. I guess I need an outlet to vent even though nobody will see it. I feel like I have no one to talk to in my life who have been in the same situation as me. When I finally DO open up to friends and family about it (which doesn't come naturally to me), the typical responses are "don't worry, it's just a phase", "you will grow out of it", "it's not that bad", etc. No one I associate with have gone through severe acne so of course it would be easy for them to have a nonchalance attitude about my situation. They don't understand how much having acne has screwed up my self esteem, confidence, ability to socialize with people while looking them in the eye and not constantly thinking about that voice in my head saying that person is not listening to what I'm saying, but rather the angry raised bumps and whiteheads on my skin. 
Before my end of year exams on November, my skin was the clearest it has been for the longest time (3 months). I was taking SkinB5 pills and was applying NeoStrata 8 AHA solution. My confidence and self esteem was at an all time high. I even liked being in pictures! I was comfortable with hanging out with my friends even under the sun (normally I hate the sunlight because I feel like my raised bumps look even more prominent). The only makeup I applied on my face was primer, loose powder, mascara and eyeliner. However all that hard work went down the drain as I was prepping for my exams under high stress levels. I have hormonal acne and it was impossible for my to not be stressed while prepping. I started prep a month before my exam and within that MONTH, I repeat MONTH, it was crazy how awful and horrid the condition of my skin was. It's December now and my skin has not shown any sign of getting better. Even at times when I have a sliver of hope that things might be turning for the better, my period comes along and all those hormones wreak havoc on my skin. Currently I'm PMSing and I'm sure that these feeling that I'm venting could be because I am feeling quite emotional for the last couple of says. 
I'm on summer vacation and these days I'm confined in my room. I cannot face the world and get that feeling of mild social anxiety when I see people in the streets looking at my acne. The only time I go out is to buy groceries. I don't want to wear makeup in the fear that it'll get worse. Also, I hate the daunting task of cleaning my makeup brushes. Here are some ridiculous ways that I have withdrawn from the outside world: 1) I do my laundry in my room instead of the laundry room in my apartment building 2) When I go out to buy something, I do it at night so that less people notice my skin and so that I can hide in the darkness and 3) Yesterday I finally went outside without makeup to buy some food but I did that early in the morning so that less people would be on the streets. As I'm typing this, I know how ridiculous I'm being. I KNOW. 
Anyways, I'll be staying over at someone's house for a couple of days soon and I'm still battling if or if not I want to wear makeup during my stay. Also, I'm eagering waiting for my shipment of Banish Vitamin C serum (which claims to contain 99% Vitamin C) which is still in transit. It was hella expensive and it better work. I don't know how long I can take these emotions. I'm not talking about self harm because I would never do something like that. I don't know how to explain it. 

Current produtcs: SkinB5 pills, Zinc pills, The Body Shop Vitamin C serum, Retin A, Cetaphil Moisturizer 
Recently gave up on: Neostrata 8 AHA & Paula's Choice 2% BHA liquid (I will use this products later when my skin isn't so sensitive). 



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