Recently I have been really thinking about some of my decisions. I have really realized that a lot of things I have done that have caused me misery are a result of how I have seen myself. For this I will be using my relationship as an example.
I have been in a relationship for about 4 years. we met when I was 17. I was surprised that someone found me attractive because I hated my face. I thought it was so unlikely that anyone would want to be with me. This might sound bad, but this is really why I entered this relationship. I felt lucky to find a person willing to put up with my external ugliness.
Before I met him I had met so many guys that I found myself attracted to, but because of my acne I assumed they would never see anything in me. That I would not satisfy them because I felt I wasn't beautiful. I ultimately have settled for someone simply because my acne has caused me to think that I can't do any better.
I have made decisions like this that make me miserable simply because of my insecurities.
The reason I'm writing this is not random. Just yesterday I ran into a guy that I had a huge crush on in high-school. He's an incredible human. He's not just beautiful but he's also so amazing. I was practically raised around this guy. I have known him since my memory has been effective. I had lost touch with him since about 4 years ago. We got into a great conversation and he was shocked to find out that I am in a serious relationship. The whole time I was speaking to him I just felt more upset at my relationship. But I Knew and still know that even if I wasn't in this relationship he would be out of my league.
I feel like acne has made me do things I wouldn't do. It has made me underestimate myself. It has made me assume that I am never going to be good enough. It has caused me to believe that I deserve the bare minimum if not less.
I know some might say if your not happy end it, but we're engaged. This is the first relationship I have been in and I don't know how to end it. I have 0 experience.
I feel really weird opening up about this but I guess maybe someone will relate...