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Wanting To Be "normal"



For me, the hardest thing about acne isn't the physical pain of having inflamed, red lumps come up frequently, but the fact that barely anyone else seems to have them. Being at college, I constantly look around to see if anyone has the same problem, but most people have near flawless, "normal" skin. This is one of the hardest things to cope with as you constantly ask the question "why me?".

Leaving high school, I was one of those people that never had to worry. Limecycline had kept my skin clear for a long time but going into college after my acne came back and having to face my old friends was hard. Some People seemed to treat me differently, like it was a huge surprise that I had acne. Most people in high school had forgotten that I had acne the year before and most people didn't even know I was on medication, so I can see why it may have been a shock. Nobody ever commented on my face, but I could see that it was on their mind. Some people I was quite close to before, seemed to distant themselves like I had changed for some reason, but maybe that's just my perceptions...

The most crushing thing you can do to someone who has acne is to stare at them. This has happened to me ALOT and it has affected me. Since my acne came back, anxiety has taken over, causing me to feel "abnormal" and alone. It's as if they're questioning why I let my skin get this way. I just feel like telling them that it isn't my choice and that's the thing most people don't seem to understand

Envy plays a huge part in my life. I look around and never seem to notice anyone else with skin conditions so why do I? Is it something I'm doing?. I get so incredibly jealous of people who don't even have to think about what condition their skin will be in tomorrow of the day after; this is exaggerated by the fact that just a few months ago, I never had to worry.

I also constantly notice people complaining that they have a black head or a simple spot and even people with flawless skin complaining that they're "ugly" . This can be crushing as it makes you wonder, if they're so concerned about the spot or blackhead they have, what must they think of me?

To be honest I just want to go back to how I was a few month's ago and not have it control my life and how I feel about my self, and when it does eventually go again, I don't want to have to worry about having more scars. It's just one more thing on top of the pile of things I have to go through I guess...

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Honey, accepting the fact that you have a medical condition -hence "acne" so to speak, is from what I've observed aligned with the same process that of a-divorce. I know, it sounds silly and doesn't even go together?? It's really the step by step process that I'm speaking of.

It's that something of this...
Denial, anger/bitterness, desperation , grieving the loss/depression, letting go and then acceptance.

I was in denial for a long time that acne was a medical condition I was going to have to deal with my entire life whether that was keeping it under control with medication topically or orally.

The anger and bitterness was when I had my acne at it's worse and like you would envy flawless skin, be angry that I had bad skin, obsess over others skin and be bitter towards those who complained about a single pimple. I was angry all the time about it.

My desperation was a hopeless sad journey. I was desperate for a permanent solution-when there wasn't one out there. I searched and searched. I couldn't find it, even with Accutane and all the forums I stayed up late reading said in most cases acne returned and would most likely return.

My desperation was getting my hands on Accutane, and I did.

Grieving the loss or more so depression, is just taking in the fact you have acne and it's bad. It's just a pity party basically.

Letting go, is realizing that you have acne and you're not going to fight it anymore. You aren't going to focus on people's skin in comparison to yours because it isn't doing you any good. It's letting go of the pain, the anger, the sadness and the depression all caused by acne. It's letting go of all that baggage cause who cares if you have acne? So what? There are MILLIONS of people who have to live with medical conditions all their lives. Just naming a few on the top of my head people with OCD, severe anxiety, chronic social anxiety, PSD, multi-personality disorder, turrets, HIV/AIDS, cancer, tumors and one that hits home for me is epilepsy. My niece was only a 2 year old baby when she was diagnosed with Epilepsy and the doctors didn't know whether it was a life long thing she had to be on medication for or not, luckily, she didn't but there are MANY people who do have to deal with that as a part of who they are. Do you get what I'm saying? We don't let what we have define us, we define it by defining ourselves. What we are dealt with in life doesn't decide who we are, we decide who we are.

Now finally the last stage is acceptance.

This is where you will finally find peace and happiness.

It's accepting that this is apart of who you are and that you're okay with it. That you're not only okay with yourself but you are happy with yourself. You are no longer angry when a pimple shows up, you don't get severely depressed or let it ruin your day.

Now when I see new pimples I'm like "Errr!" for half a second and the next minute I forget that I even have an active or active pimples. When I see people with nice skin, I don't do a double take or even think twice, because by accepting myself I had accepted them too. That's them and this is me. It's being okay with yourself, happy with yourself and loving yourself.

I know this process doesn't and won't happen over night but if you really take in what I said you might go through it a little faster than most. I did not know there was even a process to begin with until I went through it myself and realized that there is. I'm HUGE on psychology and I'm a natural observer so it was easy for me to connect the puzzle in this part of my life. I feel all of us acne sufferers go through this process, some of us take longer in some stages and some of us take long all together to finally accept what is, is.

Just know, you are not alone and if you ever need to talk you can message me! :)

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