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Ellie's Blog

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Here's Hoping!



I haven't posted in so long, feels like forever! I have had exams, an interview for a promotion and a holiday as pretty good excuses! I've been so focused on other things but now everything has settled down it's time for a bit of self indulgent venting!

So I've had a mixture of really stressful and really relaxing since the last post which means my skin has been a bit up and down too...I've come to realise that when I'm stressed I don't really pick much even though I break out more which is weird. I also noticed whilst I was on holiday that the sun did wonders for my skin after the first week (where everything came to the surface, luckily one at a time) but I've also started to wonder whether it was the moisturising effect of the suncream I was using, so I've carried on using it and noticed that my skin is a lot softer, benefits of moisturiser who know?! Even though there was a bit of purging and subsequent picking, I didn't have any actual picking sessions, and I think this had a lot to do with the fact it's near impossible to wear make up when you're sweating and getting in the pool!

Which leads me to think that the main reason I'm picking is just when I'm bored...like nothing good or bad in particular is happening in my life and it's kind of a way to create a bit of drama when things are dull...also I justify to myself that I may as well get rid of everything when the social calendar is a little sparse so that there's less chance things will come to a head when I am busy.

Another thing is that I definitely have idle hands, and you know what they say about idle hands...I think this may be linked to a bit of ADHD where I feel the need to constantly keep my hands busy and if I can't then they stray to skimming my face. Now this is going to sound very weird and I feel a tad embarrassed by it but I think I've been picking less recently because...wait for it...I've been playing candy crush. Officially the saddest admission ever. Here's the thing though, whilst it's annoying the hell out of my boyfriend because I'm playing it whilst watching tv and not really watching the programme I'm forcing him to watch, I think I have taken away the absent-minded checking of my skin that I used to do.

Put it another way, it's like a combination of the time I spend on the train coming home from work looking at other people's perfect skin and comparing my skin in my compact, the time I'm skimming the surface of my skin whilst watching tv and the time spent looking in the bathroom mirror waiting for the boyfriend to come to bed are leading to me picking almost every night. Candy crush has broken this routine! hurrah! I'm so addicted to the game that any time I'm bored or have a spare minute I'm playing it and not picking my skin!

Now whilst it's just swapping one addiction for another which is never particularly healthy...I've realised that the game actually helps me in so many ways: it sounds crazy I know but the distraction I get on the train means I'm not worried about people looking at my skin or judging/ comparing myself to others, when I'm watching tv it's helping the ADHD-like urge to busy my hands and the time in between washing my face and going to bed before the boyfriend comes up is useless time wasting that is filled with candy crush instead of picking...also when I pick it completely calms my anxiety and feels like a massive relief when I 'get' a spot and playing the game does the same - I go into the same trance-like state when playing it and feel the same relief when I pass a particularly difficult level.

Ok so although I'm probably crazy...it's actually working...for the time-being anyway. I know people say there's an app for everything nowadays but jheez they might actually be right!haha


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