I first started to get acne when i was in eighth grade. All i knew was that i was one out of three girls in all my class that had it and mine was by far the worst. instead of buying a product for my face i started to sneak my grandmothers foundation which was two shades darker than my own skin tone. Not only that i was also putting it on in the dim-lit bathroom at my school. It was within a week that people began to notice the blotchy uneven attempt to hide my disgust. Hell.
By freshman year i started wearing foundation, the right kind by this point but i also stared getting horrible back acne. It was to the point where i threw out all my shirts revealing my back and was the only girl to wear a shirt to go swimming. Living in Arizona this became quite depressing....seeing all my friends in bikinis and me in a ripped shirt and dripping foundation....hot hell.
Junior and senior my acne became much worse. i'd miss soo many dates and parties because of how bad i was breaking out. Id miss school sometimes because it would be so bad some days and even dreaded prom just knowing everyone would see my back. it came to the point where i was wearing so much makeup and cheap makeup too that when id kiss a boy my nose makeup would rub off on his nose...it was so embarrassing. "why do you wear so much fucking makeup?" i remember one saying... i wouldn't stay over at friends houses to embarrassed for them to see me whip out my proactive before bed (which only made it much much MUCH worse) One of the reasons i honestly think i stayed a virgin till senior year was because i didn't want to stay over at any previous boyfriends house and i wouldn't let anyone take off my shirt. I had an amazing high school experience don't get me wrong but if i could go back with clear skin...god i would have had the time of my life! It could have been heaven.
I honestly think some relationships were ruined because of my insecurities about my skin. Always wanting the lights off...being shy and uncomfortable the next morning having day's makeup on...never wanting to stay over for more than a day. Missing out on events such as parties or going swimming or camping...i missed out on so many things because of something so silly now that i think of it.
Now...I'm living with my boyfriend of eight months and he sees me without my makeup more than he does with it. He says i look beautiful and even prefers me natural. Hes the first person I've ever been comfortable with when it comes to that. Now im even going out in public and going to friends houses without any makeup. He's done so much to boost my confidence about my skin. We take showers together and i wear tank-tops and dresses in front of him and out in public. It took me a while to move in with him and the only thing stopping me was the idea of him seeing me without my makeup. i didn't even choose for him to see i was actually going to bed with it on and waking up, taking a shower and then re-applying it....One day he gets out of work early and decides to surprise me and its the day i'm lounging around with out anything on and he comes in the room and i instantly hide my face underneath the sheets and make an escape towards the restroom. of course he over powers me...but im glad he did. He didn't look away or look at me with disgust like i always imagined everyone would. Instead...he smiled, and said how much prettier i look. Gorgeous was the word he used. If it wasn't for him loving me for me and thinking im beautiful no matter what i still at age 19 think i would be this insecure little girl too ashamed to go out in 110 degree weather in a tank top. Too embarrassed to go swimming, to constantly imagine how id look in a dress but never even buy one knowing id never wear it, to go everywhere with makeup and nowhere without it.