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Ellie's Blog

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Falling Off The Wagon...



OK so it's been a while since my last post, mainly because I've been struggling with my skin (STILL!) since I stopped using BP and am trying to stop picking despite lots of temptation! I'm still determined I won't go back to BP, not because it didn't work but because my skin is different now - more breaking out on my forehead but the acne is different, not so angry! It seems like when I was on BP I didn't like the thought of using it, considering it bleached every towel and bed sheet I own I dreaded the thought of what it was doing to my skin. It's been 5 months now and I'm still facing the backlash all on my forehead...it does seem to be getting less frequent and the texture of my skin doesn't seem as 'bumpy' either. I don't know if this is just a picker-thing but when I used to get big angry spots when I was on BP I got real satisfaction from bursting the suckers and told myself my skin had created the mess so I was fully justified in resolving the situation. Now though, I just think of all my spots as annoying, when I pick them they do kind of slide out which is weird...before when I had small comedones they would sit there taunting me for weeks until they turned into a cyst or until I took matters into my own hands.

Before I had huge spots every now and then and now I have lots of small spots most days...I'm not sure which is better, from a concealing point of view the small ones are a lot easier to hide, but from a picking perspective there's a LOT more temptation to do damage. One thing I've tried doing it getting my boyfriend to approve me picking a spot, and if he agrees it's got to go then he stands with me (must be love!) whilst I'm doing it to check I only pick the one. It's been quite effective because I constantly justify my picking and it's good having someone that is on your side telling you that it's not justifiable most of the time.

I've also stopped using St Ives Apricot Scrub, which doesn't seem logical because scrubs tend to help small bumps (clogged pores) but I got it in my head it was making them worse and instead started using a paraben-free peppermint and tea tree foam wash. I've been doing this for a while now, and it seems like the breakouts are becoming less frequent. In saying this, since my last post I have definitely had some picking disasters, and I feel sorry for my boyfriend more than anything because for the 4 days of healing that follows I am generally a total bore, I won't even do exercise with him because my concealer will sweat off! I think this has finally sunk in a bit and made me realise that my picking doesn't just affect my mood and I've started to feel really selfish when I've picked. I think it's helping a bit because even though I look in the mirror and see a mess (before picking) I know that he doesn't see me that way and that by picking and creating a mess on my face I am making him see me that way. I don't know, I will carry on thinking that because for me it's a lot harder to do something knowing I'm upsetting someone else rather than knowing it's just me that's going to suffer.

Hopefully, this will be the start of me getting back on the wagon and although it won't be every day posting, if I can try and monitor my progress it might help me see what works and what doesn't :)


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