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Ellie's Blog

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Controlling The Control Freak!



So yesterday I was having too much fun in the snow to post plus had the in-laws round for dinner so didn't have much time to post. Alas I still found time to pick though...in fairness it started with an inflamed whitehead and those suckers just need to go! But then it went onto a raised blackhead just under my chin. I think the only reason I carried on picking was because I never get the satisfaction of seeing a root or hearing a pop with whiteheads which sounds disgusting.

I may have had a small epiphany though. I already know that when I pick I justify it to myself by saying that if I pick it now then it won't get inflamed at an inconvenient time (before a night out etc) and sometimes I can extract the root with minimal damage which makes me think I'm just speeding up the process. This is definitely due to being a control freak. It's like I don't trust my body to heal properly or quick enough so literally take matters into my own hands. With every type of spot there's my own warped remedy: whiteheads are noticeable, not easily covered and usually look better once picked, cysts take AGES to go away by themselves and so relieving the pressure myself will speed things up and give me a great sense of achievement (admittedly this is beyond sad!), clogged pores/ comedones will sit under my skin sometimes with a pore asking to go away quickly and quietly with a pin extraction and if I do manage to resist the temptation it only leads to me picking them when they do become inflamed on their own.

So with these methods it feels like I have the power...and picking them is my way of showing my body how it's done, because obviously it's not doing something right if spots are there in the first place. I know as well as the feeling like I'm in control, it's also heavily attributed to severe impatience. I know that my skin will do the job eventually, but not knowing how long and having to wait without interfering just lead me straight to the mirror seeing how I can help speed things up.

There is no logic though because either way there will be spots. The only difference is by picking I am weakening the skin and probably spreading the infection. When I do have periods of not picking my skin is usually much better...although I still get spots, they are not noticeable to anyone but me, or don't look so 'angry' because they haven't been messed with, or just go away on their own without leaving scabs. A good example would be the inflamed whitehead almost dead centre of my forehead that sprung up on saturday. When I woke up yesterday and it hadn't by miracle disappeared I could feel the frustration mounting. I think not picking it (mainly because of where it is) made me focus more on the one I did pick closer to my hair line. The difference is that this morning I had to use concealer on the picked one and none on the other one. The other difference is today *touch wood* the unpicked one isn't so white and looks like it's going down. One more difference, the picked one will be a scab for about a week so I'm going to have to cover it every day it's there.

It's so bizarre, even though this kind of thing has happened a few times before, it doesn't stop me. I consider myself quite logical which is why I try and justify everything to myself...but how can I justify this to myself when there isn't any logic! So I have resided myself to the fact that I'm a nut! And I have got to try and control the control freak that I am. I need to obsessively and compulsively NOT pick. Just a few examples, only looking in the mirror before bed whilst cleaning my teeth so I don't have both hands to pick, if I do feeling a spot coming up then only looking at it in a mirror at least 1 metre away, if I do want to feel a spot to see what's going on then I can only touch it once and I can't be looking in a mirror whilst doing it.

I'm also still doing a task for the day too...yesterday I failed by not going straight to bed whilst waiting for the boyfriend to come upstairs and today I'm only using the communal toilets, which has so far stopped me from picking a comedone with a pore on my forehead. Let's see how long that lasts! But I'm encouraged by the fact a spot has come and gone without interference and there hasn't been many of those recently!

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I swear you should at least try amoxicillin or cephalexin...take about 1,500 mg per day...I stopped picking once I got my acne under control...I never do it anymore because I stopped breaking out....good luck whatever you decide...

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