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Feeling Slightly Positive!



Even though I haven't been on my antipsychotic for well over a month because I can't afford it, I feel positive today. Maybe it's because for school I've been doing all these projects informing people on BDD and anti-bullying speeches, and it just makes me feel good. I feel like there's finally one thing that's kinda "me". You know? You know how people have got that one topic there smart about, like sports or cars. I'm knowledgeable about depressing shit like Body Dysmorphic Disorder! But it's interesting because not a lot of people know about it, and what people do know about it they don't understand it. So I like just spreading the info out there =) And anti-bullying stuff too. I just did an anti-bullying speech and yeah! empowered! I guess I'm really passionate about that topic because I was bullied really badly in highschool. In my speech I used Phoebe Prince, the teen who commited suicide from bullying/cyberbullying, and god that poor girl! I can totally relate. One of the moments that pushed her over the edge was one day she was walking home and her bullies threw a can at her out the car window and screamed WHORE! Ha, shit that has happened to me, but differently. It was with a lysol can, and instead of screaming "WHORE!" (which they did other times, plus ugly and ew) But they screamed "EAT LYSOL!!" It was odd, why would I want to eat lysol? But anyways, I read about the students who bullied sentencing, and shit, that was not long enough!! SO pissed, only probabtion and some community service? They basically drove this girl to her grave!! And one of the girls is insisiting that she didn't bully Phoebe. Bullshit, just looking good for the fucking media. Atleast these people will always know in the back of their mind that their shitty actions killed someone. I hope to God it drives them nuts. I can't believe how heartless people are... It seriously makes me want to cry. Maybe one day I'll go to highschools and middleschools and be an antibully adcovate, Wow I totally spelled that wrong, But it would be really fun and empowering!

On acne terms, Ough, I want to talk about it, but at the same time I don't because I feel like I always jinx it! Well, I've been having a crazy mofo breakout on my jaw/cheek. It's the kind where it's not exactley a cyst, but it's not a whitehead. but it's big and bumpy. It's freaking gross when i'm washing my face and I can feel it, ugh it makes me want to cry..

So, I just felt like trying new things on my face that I have had work for me in the past, and I stopped my Dove Soap and began using Mario Badescus Enzyme Cleansing Gel and Seaweed Cleansing Soap with my Clarisonic.

It's been like two days, but wow, what a difference so far! My face feels much smoother, and the inflamation is really going down so I'm happy with that. I hope it continues, maybe in a week I'll put up pictures if my face is improving. But it'll probably still loook like I have the damn acne because of hyperpigmination.

As of BDD related issues, My BDD has been over all better this past month. Thanks to medication I am able to leave my house and not cry anymore. I still feel like people stare at me, but I don't feel like they laugh at me as much anymore. I used to think people coughed at me too, and since were in cold season, I hope that doesn't begin to start up. But, one problem with my BDD is relationship issues. dun dun dun! Man, I can't handle 2 rejections in 2 days. ough, I feel so guy unworthy! Especially when that one dude got mad at me and called me ugly. Even though he was probably saying it out of anger, it really hurt because he said those things in highschool too... I mean, it didn't make me feel good when he talked about how hot other girls were, and I was like yep. duddy over here!

Maybe I should just accept the fact that I don't look guy hot. But it really buggs me..., It's the stupid right side of my face that creeps guys out! It looks like a fucking dinosaur. I don't look all cute and girly like, I'm more like awkward lol.

Okay, I'm being pretty hard on myself..

Maybe I should go speed dating again lol, It slightly boosted my confidence that I found a guy, but then the next day he rejected me LOL.

Forever alone! I'll stay at home feeling my cyst, learning about BDD, and feeding my 80 cats while watching hoarders! It sounds slightly fun.. I guess. Untill next time =)


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What I always try to remember is if you can't love yourself, then how can someone else love you (meaning someone who isn't family or hasn't grown up with you). I feel like having a relationship with a guy shouldn't be a priority as of now and making yourself happy by doing other things should be. Somebody sooner or later, a really nice guy will step into our lives and make us feel comfortable even with acne :)

I think you would be a perfect anti bullying speaker... honestly. The kind of people who need to advocate that stuff are the ones that went through it bad. You clearly love this kind of stuff and it makes me really glad that you enjoy it too :) You aren't guy hot though. That's for slutty kinds of girls... you're MAN BEAUTIFUL!! If that makes sense. A boy doesn't know what a real woman is!! Their hormones do the thinking most of the time!!

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Adhpn7, it`s really good news that you are feeling a bit more positive.

I`ve always been of the opinion that no matter how down you feel or how depressed you are, if you can find an interest, a passion or an activity you enjoy, it gives you a purpose and something else to focus on other than yourself and your own predicament. The fact that you want to educate people about BDD and anti-bullying is a win/win all round. It helps other people and gives you something to feel positive about.

You are doing really well! This is something that I was told during a counselling session but I think it is really relevant; if you take small steps, even if you stumble along the way, the steps that you take will eventually evolve into giant strides. I think that applies to all of us whatever our situation or maybe I am just talking gibberish lol!

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I can really relate to you in many ways! I have been struggling with multiple mental illnesses, and acne on top of it makes everything 100x worse! I am also on medication and sometimes I wonder if the meds have anything to do with acne! I'm glad you are so passionate about a topic that can be very depressing and that many don't even know about! For me, acne is a major trigger that makes many of my symptoms worse. People tell me to get over it, or my acne really isn't that bad! People will NEVER know how hard it is to deal with this unless they have been in our shoes. I think you speaking out about your struggles is so inspiring, and I just wish I was as brave to do the same! One day we will have clear skin, the journey there is just so damn hard! :)

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