just got back from the docs office. basically she looked at my skin and was like "ohhh its not that bad, i dont see anything just freckles.." and im like thinking in my head OMG U dumb bitch CLEARLY i have acne and do NOT look normal why are saying its fine???? Like if SHE had on her face what i have on mine shed probably freak out. So basically then she asked me why i said i didnt wanna go an accutane again and i told her id rather not be on it during school because i would not be able to go to school every day with crusty accutane skin...not that she was gonna give it to me anyway.... i ended up getting steivamycin gel or watever which i HAVE HAD BEFORE!! she asked me if i had it before and i said it sounded familiar but she apparently checked my file and i didnt have it before so she gave it to me...and when i got home i checked my med history sheet i have from the drugstore and YES I HAVE BEEN ON IT BEFORE 4 YEARS AGO obviously it didnt work, most topicals dont theyre just a huge waste of time. Im not even filling the stupid prescription. Like but what do i do now?? Ya so my skin HAPPENED to be on a "good" day when i went to see my doc, but tomorrow its probably gonna be terrible again and here i am stuck with NO MEDS to fix it FML. i literally dont even know what to do anymore. nobody gets it. Ya so my face isnt totally COVERED in acne but that doesnt mean i look normal in any way, or that i dont have to get up super early every day and spend 30 mins covering my disgusting skin... maybe ill just cut my face off, it would probably be an improvement. ALSO my dad looked at my skin and hes like OMG whats the problem.. like as if i had the skin of an angel...so i specifically pointed out every last little spot i have to him and hes like OHHH nobody even cares you cant even notice..like as if im hallucinating this shit and the way i feel about my skin is totally irrational and unjustified. seriously i dont even care i just want accutane again but im afraid my doc wont give it to me again now. The next time i go see her im gonna pick my skin SO MUCH the night before to make sure its all red and nasty when i go see her so i can get my motherfucking accutane and try the cycle again and hopefully be done with acne....UGH life is so unfair and the world hates me fuck.