So I was supposed to go to dinner with my boyfriend. A couple of hours before he came over, I hopped in the shower and used my clarisonic all over my face, including the cyst.
The skin around the cyst is irritated - the hot compress I used earlier on the cyst burned the skin and the adhesive from the bandaids irritated the surrounding skin. Putting retin a to help the PIH didn't help either.
My over-exfoliation left an oozing peeling mess. My boyfriend came over earlier than I expected and my make up was not adhering to my skin and it was awful. I had him wait downstairs until finally I called him and admitted what was going on. He picked up dinner and brought it up - I kept a blob of neosporin on my cheek all night.
My skin getting worse and to the point that I can't cover it up is my nightmare. I know that is melodramatic. I know that with all of the problems in the world, my skin problems are nothing. In fact, I know compared to other acne sufferers out there, my skin problems are not that bad (or at least, they don't start out so bad - I just make them worse).
I cried last night, told my boyfriend that I felt defective as a human being and that I don't feel like I deserve him and that I want to be pretty for him. My boyfriend was completely kind and understanding, but I could tell he struggled to find the right words - he has perfect skin so he has no idea what I was going through. It was humiliating, but I think this needed to happen. I told him I think I have body dysmorphic disorder and now that it's out there, I can't hide it anymore.
A teeny part of me thought "well, if he doesn't love you any more than you can just go back to being alone and casually dating and not worry anymore about being perfect for some man". Last night I dreamt I cheated on my boyfriend right as he slept next to me - I literally had sex with someone else on the same bed right next to him as he slept - when he woke, I had to cover up the "evidence" and I felt so ashamed.
That cynical voice in my head is the part of me that wants to keep me from getting to close to people. And my dream is about my stupid self sabotage and how a part of me fears intimacy and having a grown up relationship. And hiding what I am ashamed of.
I still think hormones are part of my problem and that I flooded my body with estrogen after taking saw palmetto for over 5 months, but now I'm going to focus more on the emotional side and stress relief.
I got this idea from the love vitamin's blog - to list 5 things I am grateful for every day:
-my loved ones - the people in my life who make me happy and who are not toxic - for the first time in my life, I have good people in my life who want to take care of me and who love me.
-my job - I bitch about it, but it really is a great job
-the internet - I have a love/hate relationship but reading about other people's struggles with skin make me feel less alone.
-good music - always makes me feel better.
Now I'm going to buy some duoderm for my cyst (which is looking much better after being slathered in neosporin) and I resolve to use duoderm for every blemish to get me out of the habit of over treating, picking, exfoliating, so I can just cover it up and allow it to heal naturally. I read about this at the skinacea site which seems to be filled with good, realistic advice.
So the nightmare wasn't so bad. I am breathing easier today - deep breaths instead of the shallow breathing I do when I'm anxious. I feel a little embarrassed but fuck it - I really can't go back now. I don't think anyone has ever died from embarrassment, and what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?