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So Close Yet So Far

Know Hope

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Last night I had to go somewhere and I felt terrible. Make up over lumps looks awful, probably worse than without. I looked around me and felt like I was the only person with bad skin around.

Came home feeling horribly tired and the cyst that is lodged in my right cheek felt a bit inflamed.

Before I left for the night I took my normal regimen of supplements which included saw palmetto.

My latest theory is the saw palmetto is increasing my estrogen, not blocking it and causing estrogen dominance/progesterone deficiency. I hate the idea of taking supplements to take care of side effects of other supplements, but last night I felt like taking 1 vitex capsule was worth a shot. I fell asleep immediately and had the best sleep I've had in a long time. I woke up feeling better and the inflammation has subsided - not sure how much of it is due to the vitex, but when in doubt it's safe to say that a good night's sleep helps so many things.

That said, I'm not going to keep taking vitex. There is a real risk of overloading my body with it - and indeed, many people say that it works well for a few months and then it stops working, they breakout, they get horribly depressed, etc.

I'm worried about stopping saw palmetto completely, but until I can meet with a naturopath to discuss controlling the estrogen, I'd better slow down at least. So I'm thinking of doing it every 2 days or so. ORiginally, I wanted to use it just during TTOM, but when I saw how it reduced my oil, I became greedy and wanted more of it.

Also, I should note that I'm pretty certain I do not have PCOS. My periods have always been normal, no facial hair, not overweight, etc.. Was reading that Saw Palmetto isn't recommended for women with no PCOS.

Everything that I am reading is recommending the same advice: Low Glycemic diet, exercise, supplements (zinc, fish oil, etc), and stress relief.

I have known this for years but have resisted. I do like to juice, but I'll juice in the morning and eat at McDonalds for lunch. There is something very upsetting for me being told I can't have the junk food I love - I always hoped that I could supplement with juicing and vitamins and eat whatever I want. Also, I need to also get off my ass and exercise - not just walk around the block but make my heart beat faster and sweat. Sitting in front of my computer may be contributing to my acne more than I even realize :(

My boyfriend is staying over tonight and there is some trepidation there. If I'm honest with myself, all of this is because of my fear of growing up and having a grown up relationship and opening myself to getting hurt. Hiding this problem from him is not the answer. Pushing him away is not the answer.

Writing about it and obsessing over it isn't the answer either.

I feel better today and I look around at my apartment and see bandaids and compact mirrors and neosporin and make up and bottles of supplements and it's such a chaotic mess. I don't want to live like this anymore. I'm going to clean up, go outside for a while and try not to worry about it. No one is perfect. I don't know why I feel like I need to be.


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