So it's Friday, October 12th, 2012, and I just received this text message from Moe (my role model/best friend who's more like a big sister):
"Staying in? Okay bye"
The reason for this text message is because I've ignored two of her calls and text messages. I know I shouldn't have but... I HAVE ACNE *Amy Poehler shocked face*
My friends are extremely social and beautiful. I love them. Monique, Maria, Julissa, Jenna, Naomie, Jenny, and Kala. But I can't find myself wanting to go out anymore. I can't even face the mirror on a daily basis. How am I suppose to get all "dressed" up and pretend to feel good about my appearance when I really don't?
They just don't get it. They've been getting really annoyed of me not going anywhere with them for the past month now. I just can't though.
I really really really hate the way I look. Mainly because of my acne and acne scars. I also dislike my weight. Certain physical features, etc. I really feel like I am crumbling down... on a spiraling twister of self loathing that won't stop.
The sad part is... 2-3 years ago i was a genuinely happy person. My acne was extremely mild so I hardly ever noticed when I broke out (good old days), I actually thought I was pretty AND I went out all the time!
I still can't believe what this setback has done to my life. I am such a different person than I use to be. I feel like this isn't me. This is not what Sara Montolio (aka lola diamonds) is meant to be like. I cry almost everyday. I'm thinking about my skin/appearance 24/7. I avoid mirrors but I'm always in front of one at home trying to solve some odd puzzle as I just stare back at this stomach turning reflection. And none of my friends know I feel this way.
I hide my mild depression (as I like to call it) very well. When I am around my friends... I laugh, crack jokes, stay talkative and normal. The minute I get home, I shrink into this little pitiful person full of visible flaws.
I'm tired of feeling this way... I want to be this girl again (see attachment).
I know I have a beautiful soul. I love me. My personality. My spirit. But lately it seems like I've lost that too. Basically, my mood and/or week is determined by how my skin looks. That's really shitty.
I sound so superficial and dramatic but what can I do?
I want to be me again...