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Day 1 And Background Info

Hiiii you guys out there. I am a 19 year old girl from Finland. I just, only a few minutes ago, took my first portion of accutane - to start my second round. The first one, six month cource, cleared me up for four months - oh geeez, the best months of my life - but after starting birth control pills somewhere around in July, I gradually started breaking out again. Since I knew it was due to my hormonal changes and the first months weren't so bad, maintainable with some 5% benzoyl peroxide cream and LMS spotlight and tea tree oil and olive oil and numerous other methods, and I waited it to go away for a while. It only got worse and my anxiety grew. Not this again. Somewhere in late-August, it had gotten so severe I was forced to make an appointment to my dermatologist - who naturally prescribed me a second round.

I didn't start taking the medication right away, since I was (and still am, I'll soon tell more about that) under doxycycline antibiotics due to a persistent mycoplasma. As that medication is also meant to treat acne, an initial breakout started after about four or five days in - which lead me to start accutane in all my anxiety - though, I knew these two aren't supposed to be taken at the same time. I've three more days left of the antibiotics, so I figured, how bad could it be? (I know, I know, excuses...)

So. Today has officially become the day one, impatient as I am. I'm on 20mg and 40mg every other day - for the next six months. Luckily, it's going to be winter in Finland soon, so I don't need to worry about sunscreens - but I'm going to leave for India for two months in January, geez! I should probably invest in some luxurious SPF tinted moisturizer which doesn't make me break out in a horribly humid and hot weather...

But what is my current situation? I just survived from an emotional outbreak. Don't remember the last time I've cried so hard. Acne is a horrible, horrible disease. I am usually very outgoing, but all I want to do nowadays is hide, hide and hide from the society. I had just picked, since I am a stupid, irrational person who never learns, and everything is totally inflamed and even more horrendous and hurtful. I think picking is like a stress-relieving thing for me, that it gives me this false hope I have it under control if I can just remove all that nasty stuff out of my skin. Couldn't be more wrong, now could I? I need to get rid of that habit. I seriously do.

I have about ten cyst-like pimples, not really cysts but really inflamed zits on my cheeks, a million pustules and papules, blackheads and another million marks and scars from previous outbreaks and pickings. My forehead is relatively clear - I have a few blackheads and some random breakouts, but nothing I couldn't handle, since I have bangs. Tried to calm everything down with some LMS spotlighting but that failed rather miserably. Now my cheeks are covered in benzoyl peroxide. But maybe it could be worse. I have absolutely nothing wrong with the rest of my body. My back and chest are almost even perfect. Too bad, the only place where the war goes on is a place I cannot hide despite my best attempts - my cheeks.

Worst comes to worst, I have a crucial renewal of my Finnish matriculation test (the most important final exam one could possibly have here in Finland) and I am all about hiding here at home and sulking in my own miserable life. And I have to go to work on weekend, though I am still a little flu-ish. And I need to see my boyfriend, who started dating me when I had this wonderful complexion. He has a big heart so says he doesn't mind at all, but yeah, sure, look long enough at this toad looking like, ugly, unsociable and disgruntled leper, and you might change your mind. Sigh. I just want to have a good confidence, that's all. Besides, I'm not so keen on showing my current skin to him, since my previous situations, no matter how bad, have never been as severe as this initial breakout.

Let us hope everything calms down a little during my sleep, so I could try and cover everything up for tomorrow with a shitload of foundation and concentrate on doing my best on the exam. How likely is that? Ha ha ha.

.... I'm so miserable right now.


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