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Off The Wagon



Disclaimer: Im not even sure if this website is for blogs like this. Being personal I mean...meh.

Well...since I cancelled my birthday plans and wrote that last/first post its been one of those days where nary a f____ was given.

I have a problem with picking my skin, its close to being-or is- full blown dermatillomania. Basically what that means is I am OCD with imperfections on my skin, and picking them off makes me feel like I am getting rid or helping speed up the healing process of these imperfections. In all honesty I believe that picking will help 15% of my acne and the rest makes it so much worse that the 15% doesnt even matter...by the end of it im at -80% healing (if that makes sense to you). Why then if I know this do I continue to pick? No idea, wish I did. Ive picked at my skin and then felt guilty and stupid for doing so for years, even before I had acne. Though for the last two months I have improved greatly..tonight has been terrible. I pick worst when I know I dont have to go anywhere..so you can imagine how much worse my face while I write this, than when I had to go to the doctors office earlier today.

I also am off the wagon for eating healthy. Being back at my parents house makes things difficult. My family has the worst eating habits Ive ever seen. We all have good metabolisms in general...so they seem to have no problem with gross amounts of pasta and chocolate bars and icecream stocking the fridge and cupboards. I on the other hand, wanted to and have succeeded in eating healthy when I moved out (mainly because of my skin and my terrible health). I usually buy my healthy food and ironically its the first to vanish. I ask them why they buy all this terrible food if they eat mine first. Theres no real method to their madness. They see they eat.

So ive been out of my food for weeks and cant seem to muster up the will to go shopping when food is in the house already. I have come to the conclusion that eating healthy has done nothing for my skin. I know when I have milk products my cystic acne gets a little worse, but as I see it...my eating habits improved and my skin got worse (Im convincing myself temporarily that they are not connected). So im going to have a night where I eat whatever I want. Of course now that I have I feel guilty as hell and Im waiting to see how much worse my skin will be in a couple days. Oh well, where do I have to go right?

Im going to hit up the fridge and find something that wasnt there five minutes ago.

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Hmmm, I wonder if I am inclined to the same picking OCD--I just can't help myself most nights. :-/ I think I am "helping" the situation too against better judgement. I just can't stop!

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