I'm fed up.
For some reason, I could handle acne a lot better when I was younger. Sure, I'd feel down about it, but I could bring myself to put on my make-up and, although I was aware of it, acne wasn't something I thought about every few minutes. I wasn't constantly aware of these horrible bumps on my face. Most importantly, I don't remember it stopping me from doing things, like seeing my boyfriend at the time. I didn't visit sites on how to get rid of the acne, because I wasn't obsessed, and my self-esteem was a lot better then.
Now, aged 20, looking in the mirror is something that takes a lot of courage. Having to look at myself close-up, in full light, whilst I apply my make-up can control my whole day. I seem to plan my life around the state of my face. When I realised this a few weeks ago, I didn't know whether it is my skin that has changed, or whether it is me. Now I think it's a bit of both.
I used to have pretty oily skin. My nose would get quite shiny, and I'd end up having to use 'blotting' sheets on a regular basis. Unless I used Clearasil, I didn't have dry skin. In face, it was pretty much the opposite. I learned to stay away from Clearasil after my first proper break out; it did wonders for clearing up my skin in a short period of time, but it would be dry as hell for a while afterwards. But even then, dry skin wasn't a massive deal-breaker for me when deciding whether or not I should go out. Yes, it was annoying, and I preferred not to have it, but now if I have to go out/go to work when my skin is dry, all I can think about all day is coming home and taking off my make-up. My pre-occupation with this doesn't necessarily affect how well I do my job, but it does affect my social-skills, which isn't great as I'm not exactly blossoming in that area as it is.
Nowadays, my skin is always dull-looking and it is dry about 80% of the time. A week ago, I made the mistake of going back to a really soft skincare range I used to use before I realised that one of my triggers are products that are not oil-free. I was hoping that my skin would go back to how it was when I was younger: manageable. Soft, moisturised and not so high maintenance. On Saturday, however, I got my first nodule in about 6 months, and since then I have ditched the range and gone back to Clean&Clear, which is oil-free, but means that my skin is dry a lot of the time. If I look closely in the mirror to inspect the state of a spot, I immediately regret doing so when I catch sight of my unsmooth, cracked chin I don't know how to treat. At the moment, I have spots around my jawline, which is quite rare these days, as well as painful spots on my chin. Oh, yeah, and blackheads on my nose. I just want the acne to go away. It is not severe, but it is definitely moderate, and I am so damn pale that even the smallest mark is noticeable.
I feel like if I moisturise that little bit more to try and get rid of the dryness, I have a break-out (mainly due to hormonal issues, I think), and then I'll use BP, or Clearasil spot cream to try and get rid of the spots, and then it just gets dry again- hence a never-ending cycle! Seriously! This is driving me crazy!
I really hope that it goes away for good soon, because I don't know how I'll cope if it's still here when I'm in my mid-20's. I don't even want to think about that.