On Tuesday I went for my post-accutane check at the hospital. I had to do my regular pregnancy test, where as usual my mam decided to strategically slip in her usual joke of "imagine if it came back positive-it'd be like you were Mary having Jesus", while teenage boys were sitting beside me. Yes, remind me of my non-existent relationships in front of all these people, that's cool. Also, the nurse gave me a thin tube to pee in. I just stared in confusion at him until he said "oh, sorry! I was thinking about male samples." and he gave me a cup. A male pregnancy test?...we are trusting our health with these people
My Doctor said that if my spots keep appearing like around Christmas I'll have to go back on antibiotics for 3 months before being considered for accutane again, because it's routine. I know it's a way of avoiding unnecessary side-effects from accutane, but i know antibiotics don't work, I was on them for years, so surely it would be worse for my health to be on them for 3 months followed by months of accutane? Gah. It annoys me how things have to be followed precisely by the script with accutane, even when it might not be the best course of action.
My Derm suggested I get counselling (in a nice way, not in a 'you're crazy, get out' way). I mentioned how my confidence is still bad and she said she'd write to my doctor about it. In a way it would be nice to talk to someone, but I feel I can predict what they're going to say and I know it won't help: 'You need to push yourself", "get out of your comfort zone", "focus on the positives". Not that that's bad advice, but I've already tried to do that and it only works in the short-term, i.e. if I push myself to go out when I feel down, I fake confidence on the surface for that one event. It doesn't change anything internally or in the long-term. I feel I've managed to push my surface/fake confidence as far as it can go. For example, today I splashed my face with warm water, shoved on some tinted moisturiser and a bit or mascara and threw my hair in a messy bun and left for school. That would never happen before accutane, where I'd spend ages on washing my face, putting on foundation to cover my spots and doing my hair so I could have it down to cover my face as best I could. I think I've made a huge step, I never thought I'd get here, especially doing it on my own (with the support of acne-org of course!) I felt quite good today considering, but I think that's because my insecurities were blinkered by the fact that I had a 2hr exam this morning, so all my stress was attracted to that. The exam went quite well considering I still seem to suffer fatigue since being on accutane, meaning my memory was crappy. Also, after the exam someone out of the blue said "Renn, your skin looks really good", which made me feel more secure. Nobody had mentioned my skin since wearing the tinted moisturiser to school, and seeing as it was such a noticeable leap from the foundation I was beginning to think people weren't mentioning it because they could see scars or something but, yet again, I overreacted.
So anyway, I feel like today I've achieved/learnt something. I now know I can tie my hair up and the world won't end I don't have to feel that I have to cover my face anymore, and I should just learn to not care what people think or say about me.
General skin update: I Did have a spot between eyes (again) but it popped (it looked like an inflamed blackhead). I have a painful cyst just below my ear which should be ready to pop tomorrow. Still have red marks which, when irritated or when I haven't gotten enough sleep, can look quite bad.