In the past few days, my eating has gotten a lot worse.
I can't eat a decent meal without getting extremely anxious; for example, today I had half a chicken breast, some boiled veggies, and about a tablespoon of rice. Then, I tried half a cupcake from a batch that I had baked for a friend, to see if they were any good.
About fifteen minutes later, I'm in my bathroom with my Trusty Puking Toothbrush.
Earlier today, I had a piece of bread, an orange, and a cracker. I've started to hate the feeling of NOT being hungry. Ahhhh.
I feel ridiculous. I don't believe that I'm at the point that I would call it an eating disorder, because I'm really scared of being melodramatic. But the thing is, I don't particularly want to be any thinner. I mean, it would be nice, sure, but its not... something that I would go through a lot of pain for. I always thought of myself as a fitness girl, but, well...
I'm starting to think that the reason might be because I want people's sympathy. Everybody has to go through so much pain every day, fearing being judged by their looks, for us, dealing with acne is a struggle, girls chasing the skinny ideal, guys chasing the 6-pack ideal, but they're so common, and they affect everybody so differently, that it's impossible to garner sympathy for our own problems without being brushed off with the classic "starving kids in Africa".
I guess somewhere in my subconscious, I believe that if I look like I'm fragile and malnourished, people will cut me some slack.