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100 Days! - 1 0 0



Wow-wow-wee-wow, I've reached triple figures! That sounds a bit like I expected to die during the treatment or something, but what I mean is that I can't believe it's gone as smoothly as it has. Ok, there have been days where I've not felt great, and some weeks have seemed to go by slower than a nan carrying some thick bling, but the past few weeks have flown past, leaving great improvements. I've been using Neutrogena Blackhead Eliminating Toner which I found buried in my box of past attempts to kill acne. It never used to do much, but now, combined with my Accutane, it's fantastic. The 'tane seems to push the dirt to the surface while the toner helps kill it off-hooray for teamwork!

I said to my friend today "100 days now, that I've been on my tablets" and she said "you can really tell, I was looking the other day and realised how clear your skin is". My other friend then also nodded in agreement. It wasn't much, but it put a smile on my face, knowing that others can see a difference. I remember when it was bad and I had to cover it with loads of foundation. It took 3, sometimes 4, generous swigs of foundation to cover the mountains on my face, and now it only takes 1-1.5 little swigs. I can put it on lightly now and get just the amount of coverage that I need.

Of course something has to ruin this good feeling. My mam is extremely moody and is taking it out on everyone. Yesterday I was telling her that when I was little I would watch a cartoon character who used to eat baked beans without chewing them, and I would then copy this action whenever eating beans myself. I laughed, thinking about how silly I was, and she just turned and said "that was why you were so fat". Ok, I was really overweight when I was little, and normally I'd just laugh a comment like that off, but it was the way she said it, like she didn't mean it in a jokey way but to purposely hurt my feelings. It annoyed me so much because I was overweight because of family problems that I was hidden away from, even though I knew something was going on. Counsellors would come to our house and I was made to go upstairs while my parents and brother sat downstairs talking to her. I was often left to my own devices and would just sit alone in my garden, eating, seeing as I was too young to go out by myself and find something productive to do (I was about 10). Thankfully I've lost that weight now, and I can see the humour in being chubby as a kid, but it was just the way she said it, knowing the reason behind my ‘fatness’ was a lot deeper, and it really hurt my feelings. Now she's maturely going around the house, slamming doors and demanding cigarettes (even though she quit years ago-cigarettes that is, not slamming doors). She tells me off for being negative, but she casually walks around the house saying "my life is so shit" and various other depressing phrases. She was doing it this morning, when I was revising for a test I had that day, so I couldn't concentrate during the remarks, and afterwards due to thinking of the remarks. Consequently I've probably failed said test; thankfully it was just a mock. I understand that mams have bad days too, but I hate it when people take it out on others. She's literally looking for any little thing to spark an argument from, like she enjoys engaging in them. In addition, she is happy and nice to my 20 year old brother who's hardly here, but I feel she's uninterested in me and only ever talks about depressing things with me. If my brother talks to her she stops what she's doing and listens attentively, wheras when I talk she continues watching the TV, reading or whatever she's doing. If I complain that she's ignoring me she says 'I wasn't I'm just tired' or 'I was watching something'. It might be because my brother's always out and is considering moving, so she's making an extra effort to make home look enticing, but it makes me feel so unwanted sometimes, like I did when I was shoved upstairs when the counsellor came.

There's so much more I wanna rant about but I'll spare you all tongue.png I might be overreacting but that feeling of treading on eggshells is creating a build up which I had to get out. I hope her mood improves tomorrow because I can't take another day like this. It's going to cause arguments which will affect our Christmas, I just know it -_-.


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Sorry to hear you're struggling with your Mum, Renn. Sounds like it goes way back and I don't suppose it's too nice to be reminded of related feelings time and again. It's not great when something kicks off like that right on the back of something which lifted your mood.

I live with my parents and seem to cop a lot of the agro which my sister doesn't get. Whenever she comes round, everyone's all smiles because she's not part of it. Difficult not to feel like the proverbial whipping boy when they act differently towards you like that. Funnily enough, it's usually my Mum who kicks off and I can always tell when she's spoiling for a fight. I keep my distance because it's just better to avoid the stress and I've got my own issues to deal with anyway.

Whatever it is, it's not your issue. Sounds like you've done nothing wrong at all so I doubt that whatever your Mum's feeling is a reflection on you at all. Also sounds like that perhaps they may have been attempting to protect you from something with the counselling and all. That might have started out as a good intention but I can see why you'd object. Equally, because they might have felt like it worked then, there's every chance that the same pattern has continued and it's perfectly natural that you'd object to it as you gotten older and have formed you own independent views and opinions on things.

Chin up though, yes? Focus on the good stuff. Don't let it affect your studies and things, it's not worth that.

If ever you want to rant and ramble, happy to listen. :)

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'shame hun i know the feeling, used to have the worst relationship with my mom who used to belittle me then we would chase eachother round the room with brooms etc wanting to smack eachother, not pretty... on a more serious note.. i feel ur pain, my moms also used to be so negative... we have sorted our issues out now that im older and since we now share the same faith, but wasnt always that way so relate and feel ur pain x

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It always seems to happen, that something makes me feel fantastic and it's popped by something stressful. I can't seem to enjoy anything without someone or something intervening. Same here, if my brother's home my mam talks about all the good stuff, listens, connects emotionally whereas I rarely experience this. Don't get me wrong, I don't have a bad relationship with my mam but it is different from the one my brother has. Me and my mam will sometimes sit and talk (normally on a Sunday) about life. She'll talk about all the things that annoy her, upset her, how bad her life is, how she wishes she had this, was this etc...everything she says sticks to me like velcro and it's then not just her that is affected by it all. She will then go on to say how great our relationship is because she could never rant at my brother or argue with him because he's too sensitive, but can with me, and also that I'm good because I just get on with stuff. She doesn't consider the fact that maybe it does upset me but I'm not vocal about it and just accept it because it's often my main source of attention from her. She also doesn't consider that 'i just get on with stuff' because I have no other choice, not because it's in my nature. I'm trying to keep my distance but she'll target someone else like my dad, which upsets me just as much. I hate arguments so much. Thanks for listening Paul, so glad I have you guys to vent to smile.png

It's good to hear I'm not alone in this situation FG. It's hard because I'm still a teen and can't just go live somewhere else or anything, so I'm kinda stuck here until the situation dies off. Glad to hear you found common ground with your mam, I just wish my common ground with my mam would be change and be more than that of primarily negativity.

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Hello, I just started Accutane today and I hope I'll eventually get to where you are! How much has your skin improved since the start?

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Thanks Paul, and I'd return the hi-five but I may get the emoticon wrong (really need to memorise some).

Hey Bitsybit, it's improved a lot. I'd say currently it's about 90% clear, and that last 10% is just red marks, some uneven skin and a few blackheads (but all those are quite easy to cover in make up so it's not bad) You can have at look at my gallery to see how my skin has changed over the last 100 days if you want to. All the best with your course, stick with it, it's so worth it! smile.png

Interesting poem, especially the ending. I think me and the pill are going to have an eternal friendship lol.gif

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