I'd really like to go back in time, please. I'm not asking much, just a week. This time last week, my skin was great and people even complimented me. Fast-forward to today and my skin is gross. I've picked it to pieces and made such a mess. All the work I'd done has been undone and all the hopes I had of things getting better have been destroyed, all by my own hand, literally.
I went to see Bryan Adams tonight. The show was fine but I didn't want to be there and hated every minute. My skin is so dry and very sore that every movement I make hurts. It hurts to smile. I swear, I could cry.
It's been raining this evening and the steps leading down to the arena car park were wet when I left the show. I slipped and fell down a flight of concrete stairs. Ripped my jeans and my jacket, cut my right arm, right leg and pulled my back. When I finally made it home, I decided I'd treat myself to some fish and chips as I hadn't eaten since lunch. Walked into the shop and what little money I'd had with me wasn't in my pocket anymore. It must have fallen out when I fell down the stairs. So I couldn't even afford to buy myself some chips.
One of those days when it would have been better to stay in bed. Hell, it's been one of those years!
I almost bailed on group therapy yesterday but I went along, kept to myself and just listened in. Glad I went because there's always something worth thinking about. Plus I started to think that the most beneficial thing is having people there who can relate. Got me thinking that when the group ends in a few weeks, I'd like to find out if there's something I can do which is more specific to my skin problems. Although the group listen to me and simpathise, I kind of hit a dead end when I explain because no one can directly relate to the feelings I have had as my skin's become worse and worse over the years. There must be something I can do which relates more to my skin problems and to my approach. Whether it be about dysmorphia or self harm - because that's essentially what I'm doing - there must be another avneue I can explore. There has to be because I don't know what to do otherwise. I've had enough of this and I can't see a way out.
I hate how this is all getting on top of me because nobody around me understands how I feel and there's pressure for me to go out and get a job which I just can't handle. Sometimes, I can't even bring myself to go out in public these days so work is out of the question. To be honest, it terrifies me and nobody around me who I hoped might support me even wants to listen.
I took a picture of what my face is like at the moment. My chin is dry and really sore, I made all the pimples there worse. My nose too, that's really red. There's a group of pimples on my right cheek which are kind of shadowed in the picture, they hurt quite a lot as well. Everything's just so sore and it's all my own fault. And to think I jokingly said that the picture I took last week was ugly. Now I really do feel that way. I do think that the pimples look worse close up but then I'm struggling to get a handle on it anyway. It literally makes my head hurt, constantly watching out to see if people are looking; always trying to second-guess what people might say or do; always trying to approach situations in a way which might allow me to cover part of my face or mask the problems. I think I'd happily wear a mask, if it was normal to do so. That would solve everything. I wish I could get away with wearing makeup and could feel alright with doing that, wish I could hide behind something all the time and conceal the problem. It wouldn't get rid of it, but it's not like anything I've tried is doing the trick anyway so it makes no difference.
That's me for this week, think I'm just going to lie low for a while.