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Worlds Of Change

myAMBERromance

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So lately I've been feeling like a different person since my skin's been gradually clearing and improving in texture/appearance. I feel like I'm actually myself- not hiding behind caked makeup, turtlenecks, long hair and bangs. A few weeks ago, I started work as the makeup and set artist for my local highschool's musical theatre program. In the dressing rooms there are only bright fluorescent lights- a nightmare for anyone with skin problems. Not to mention, when doing people's makeup, most of the time you are within inches of their face and they spend the whole time looking straight at you. Six months to a year ago, that would have been the most humiliating and uncomfortable situation due to my skin and I may have even turned down the *paid* position just out of self-consciousness because of my skin. I'm happy to say that not a single thought or worry about my skin went through my head during the whole process. Yeah, my skin's not perfect, but its no longer a barrier for me. AND I can't tell you how many compliments I got- it was almost ridiculous how many people told me I was beautiful, gorgeous, etc. Even people I didn't even know very well I would overhear in the hallway commenting on how beautiful they thought I was. That was.. pretty incredible for my self esteem.

Another result of this new found confidence has to do with my hair. Since the 5th grade, my hair has been my security blanket. If my face/neck broke out, I'd always be able to wear my hair down or over my face to help hide my blemishes and insecurities. As I got older, I began obsessing with the length of my hair and my weight, employing hair extensions to cover my shoulders and chest and to make me appear thinner as I tried to lose weight. I've always felt "If I have to have bad skin, at least I'll be thin." Most of my life I've felt both fat and bad-skinned, so I thought that if I can't control or improve the condition of my skin, at least if I could control my weight. This led to so many insecurities and a rapidly developing eating disorder that I've been struggling to come to terms with and overcome for the past year and a half. I'm on the road to recovery, and even though I know I can't be "fixed" overnight, I have hope that my skin clarity and increasing self-esteem are definitely helping my overall stability. ANYWAYS, all that to say this: I'm considering getting all my hair cut off into an Emma Watson-esque pixie cut. Its terrifying to think about, but I'm thinking that a drastic hair change may be what I need to just take that leap away from the old me into the new me. My main fears from the *old* me are that 1) I'll look fat (I've had medium-length hair before and always felt it to be unflattering, making me look heavier, hence the hair extensions) and 2) I won't have the "bad skin security blanket" anymore. If my neck or shoulders or sides of my face break out- I won't have that curtain of hair to hide me, to draw between me and the world. I haven't had a breakout in months (knock on wood), but I'm still living in fear that all this is too good to be true and someday I'll go back to where I was. Kind of like Charlie in Flowers for Algernon. However, getting my hair cut in that fashion (which, what inspired me was trying on a pixie-cut wig and realizing I had the perfect face shape/stature for a pixie cut- it honestly looks so good on me) I would be accepting myself for exactly who I am, as I am- tearing down one more of the walls between me and the world around me. Yeah, I may have a breakout every now and then that is more exposed without the hair, but I'd be accepting that and accepting myself as being strong enough to deal with that possibility. Its definitely a step I'm willing to take, going to take a lot of prayer and consideration, but its my New Year's resolution to try it. You only live once, and hair can grow back if I don't like it. Its the experience that I'm looking to, the confidence and self-esteem and sense of empowerment that I think would be that necessary boost to really just catapult me into my new life and new self.



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That was really nice to read and it's brilliant that you're getting your confidence back. Keep going, stick with the positive thinking and your confidence will continue to grow. Well done on overcoming the things you have as well, I don't suppose that's easy.

Pleased that the fact your skin is no longer a barrier is helping your true self shine through. It's easy for us to use acne as a crutch so as not to face up to problems regarding self esteem and confidence - easy to fall into a trap of thinking that everything will automatically be fine in that regard once the acne has gone. It hasn't quite worked that way for me but it's great that you are finding those things are improving as your skin does.

I can see the logic behind cutting your hair, your theory makes perfect sense, about taking a step closer towards the "new you". I'm sure you'll look beautiful, whatever you decide to do.

Long may these improvements and positive changes continue! :)

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The first time I read your blog and saw your pic, I thought, "So... it IS possible to be pretty and have skin issues...."

Just sayin'. I say chop it off. Hair can't really hide breakouts. Sometimes I think the act of trying to hide them makes them more prevalent.

I used to have a friend who had really bad teeth, and whenever they would talk or laugh, they always put their hand over their mouth in an "inconspicuous" way. It totally made people notice their teeth more.

I know that totally has nothing to do with breakouts, but it reminded me of that. If nothing else, just remember that story if you ever end up with teeth insecurites :)

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