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Bring Me Soup!

PaulH85

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Been a very slow week, feeling ill and sorry for myself, struck down with dreaded man-flu. Nobody brought me any chicken soup either... sad.png

It was kind of convenient as I'd made a mess of my face and didn't really feel like seeing anyone or going out anyway. I know that's not exactly looking at the bigger picture in terms of what that represents, nor does it actually take care of the problem, but it seems perfectly logical when you're right there in the moment. I wish I could stop harming my face and causing myself this physical pain. I know it's a reflection of how I feel about myself and that's not a good way to be thinking at all. Even now that it's healing I still don't feel any better about it because I can still see what it represents and that's with me all the time.

Not much to report about my skin really. I made it look gross, it responded by breaking out a bit more, repeat cycle. That's pretty much all that's happened. I'm supposed to be going to see a band tonight but don't really feel like it. Fed up of going places by myself and feeling so out of place. Those kind of feelings were raised as a topic in a therpay session this week. That's the only time I've been out and I almost wish I hadn't gone. The group spent the entire session talking about how they sometimes avoid going out with their friends. I sat there with nothing no contribute, on the basis that I don't actually have any friends to avoid. After an hour or so, our therapist asked me if I had any thoughts on the matter and I said that I did not. When she asked why, the only thing I could reply with was indeed, "I don't have any friends to avoid". Safe to say, that was a pretty low point.

Spent a bit of time chatting online to a girl I've been getting to know since the summer. Probably shouldn't have relied on that particular form of communication because it's just another thing which allows me to hide away yet still feel vaguely part of something. Again, it seems perfectly acceptable in the moment. Anyway, I was starting to really like her and was wondering if I should do something about it, but then she sent me a message saying she needed to talk to me about this guys she's been seeing. She's trying to work out if he's into her as much as she's into him. Apparently I'm the best person to help on account of being "such a good listener". Hello, friend zone! rolleyes.gif

On a positive note, I replaced my broken PS3 with a new one. I haven't even played it yet, I just like looking at it because it's all shiny and new. Yes, I am in fact, a Magpie. tongue.png



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Hey Paul, that really is upsetting to think, "I don't have friends to avoid." You have a great sense of humor, mixed with dry pessimism, that I'm sure many people are missing out on. :) I hope you can get through this funk and see the brighter days up ahead. It's good you're able to be in a group like that and get support. I'm sure there are other people who may have been thinking those same things.

About the girl- it's ironic that she's going to you for advice, but it just shows that you're a great listener. WOMEN LOVE THAT! Maybe she will see that really your friendship is what she should invest in, since friendship afterall needs to be the basis for a long lasting relationship. What also attracts a woman is a man who is humble yet confident and has a goal in life. So show her the things in your life that you take pride in and the good qualities in your character. :) Women struggle enough with low self-image, and the last thing they need is a boyfriend/man in their life who struggles with confidence as well.

I hope that you can find peace, and not take out your frustrations on attacking your skin or beating yourself up. I a few very low points the last 6 months, and now I decided that life goes on even with acne. I don't want to miss out.

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Aww thank you, that's really sweet of you to say. Made my day! biggrin.png

You're right, no doubt. I guess I get a little carried away with the old pessimism sometimes and turn it inwards. Safe to say that it's probably not going to result in a happy Paul. He's been missing for most of 2011. So much so, it seems appropriate to refer to him in third person! tongue.png

I'm sure I'll get there in the end. I hope we all can. I'm going to try and start with a new approach today. New week, new start for my skin. Aside from the fallout from my pick-fest which is healing, I only have one new active pimple so now is the perfect time to leave my face alone, let it heal and break this self-destructive cycle. Going to try my best to stop picking. smile.png

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Well said, y3rfd0g (and to think, you people were whinging that I had a difficult name to type)!

Oh dear, he's gone to third person. Only crazy people talk about themselves in third person. Call the doctor! :P

Paul- I know you've been fighting depression, which often doesn't have a rhyme or reason, but you have a lot going for you (e.g. dry humour, fantastic photo-taking ability and ridiculously beautiful, gloriously-golden Fabio hair), and nothing "serious" (i.e. extremely bad) weighing you down (that I know of, I apologise if there's more to the story than I know of, and something traumatic has happened in your life). It's important for you to recognise this and to take control of your life. I imagine that's the only way you're going to be able to stop feeling pity for yourself and regretting what you haven't done, and move on to all the things you can do. Nothing is holding you back, except yourself. /endcliche

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smile.png

The hair is the only Fabio-esque thing I've got. Haven't got the looks and I certainly don't have the body! lol.gif

The hair's probably for the chop in the new year actually. I'm thinking that it's time for a whole new me...

It may well be a cliché, but clichés are usually right. The focus has always been on perhaps the negative way things turned out when I gave them a go, rather than giving myself even just a bit of credit for actually giving something a go in the first place. Do that all the time and it gets to the point where you just stop giving things a go and automatically assume it would go wrong. That contributes to my depression, no doubt, and it's also a symptom, so it just goes around and around.

I swear, I'd be an awesome shrink. If I had the slightest inclination to study, retain information and learn all the big words the doctors use, I'd be all over it. Probably pays alright, but I'd have to listen to people like me moaning all the time.... tongue.png

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Ba ha ha, you do have quite the luxurious head of hair, and I'd say you're far more intelligent and interesting than that Fabio ditz.

Have you considered working for a charity? Even if it's just volunteer? When I was going through a down point in my life, I met some wonderful people who set me up with a job as a disability support worker. Which wasn't really anything I had considered before then, I was just looking for anything at the time. But getting that job, I think it helped to transform my perspective. When you see someone, who can't move, who can't talk, who eats through a tube, but yet manages to wake-up and smile everyday, and laugh and love life, it is very confronting. It made me realise how self-focussed I was, so absorbed in my own insignificant problems, that I couldn't see how amazing I had it. I think even the act of giving, of sacrificing, of helping other people made me more appreciative of my own life, making me reevaluate humanity and my completely pessimistic perceptions. It also gave me a greater sense of purpose and worth. So I challenge you to think about it, or maybe not even think, just do it!

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Funnily enough mate - that kind of idea is near the top of my to-do list.

Top of my to-do list was actually to start doing the list. :lol: Been a couple of months and I've only just got the second thing on the list, but that is key to help me exploring my options in order to tick off the rest of the list.

The therapy sessions I've been doing have certainly got me thinking about what I could do to find my way towards working with people in similar situations and, like you say, helping others who perhaps have worse struggles and also that act of giving is surely a massive boost. In those situations, everyone wins. Glad to hear that you took those opportunities and found it so rewarding. :)

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Lol, yeah, I'm good at procrastisement (it's a lifestyle ;)) as well. I hate applying for jobs, it's so intimidating. But non-profit organisations generally attract the nicest people, so it was probably the most pain free getting a job process ever. So I highly recommend it!

I think you'd make a good shrink, I mean I think you've got the empathy and the intelligence required. But it is a fairly long and arduous journey, and you have to love study. Which you say you don't, lol. So become a counsellor! Or maybe a politician. You could advocate for the rights of the body-shape challenged.

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