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51 Days! - Acne & Relationships.

Renn17

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I had a random flashback today and remembered a time I really liked this guy who was basically my first realistic crush I'd ever had, seeing as he wasn't a movie star or someone way out of my league, and you know what it's like when you have a first crush (unless you're young and haven't experienced it or live alone in a dark room alone planning world domination) you kind of start imagining the future with them like going on dates, sitting in watching movies, creating a business that specialises in the production and distribution of Hedgehog flavoured snacks-I mean-getting married...yet you can't even get past the first step of showing that you like them in more than just a friend way. I used to talk to him a lot via the internet, but I knew him in person from years ago. I really wanted to meet up with him again, just to have a proper conversation without a keyboard, but I was too shy. He even hinted at it sometimes, but my skin held me back. Eventually I didn't reply to his emails because I was beginning to like him so much that it hurt; it hurt that part of me was really wanting to see him while another was terrified of seeing him. At the time I thought it would be easier to just cut all connections with him.

Although I haven't spoken to him in a year or so now, I actually still think about him and wish I had just carried on talking to him, just to keep that friendship alive. Sometimes I imagine that I will meet him in a bar or something in the near future and we'll fire up our conversations again. I don't even care if the relationship doesn't develop, I just don't want to think that acne took away a special friendship I had with someone along with so many other things it has ruined sigh

Ok, emotional rant over. Sorry tongue.png.

I am currently wearing Estee Lauder Double Wear Light. Yes, you heard me right, Double Wear LIGHT, and actually it looks pretty good... I'm tempted to say it looks better than the heavy coverage Estee Lauder Double Wear I usually wear (ok, the word 'wear' has finally lost its meaning now.) It has good coverage without looking caked like the high coverage version sometimes does, and it actually matches my skin colour just about perfectly, which is so hard to do seeing as I'm so pale that I'm often mistaken for an urban Yeti suffering from alopecia. The best thing about it though is that it feels so sheer, like I'm not wearing anything; I don't feel all hidden away and suffocated by chemicals.

Going to go now as I have an appointment with something covered, filled or dotted with chocolate.



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Shame that you feel you lost the friendship, and that you didn't feel you could take it that step further. I can relate to that.

Everyone I've ever thought of like that probably barely knows I exist. Don't like feeling that way and I'm not too sure how to change it. It's not always about my skin because sometimes that's up and down, but the lack of experience and the sense of inferiority to others seems constant. That seems to get harder to tackle as I get older.

But, you never know, there's every chance you could bump into that guy somewhere along the way or look him up online. If not, at least you can try not to end up in that same situation with others in future. smile.png

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The lack of experience holds me back too. I mean, I'm 17 going on 18 and I've been in an all girls school since I was 11, so since becoming a teenager I've never really communicated with boys my own age who weren't just a relative or something. I have always felt sub-standard to everyone, like being unattractive, having a lack of personality and being dim, even though part of me knows that some of these thoughts definitely aren't true, such as feeling dim because I'm an A-grade student, yet for some reason I force myself to feel this way.

It's unsettling that you say it seems to get harder to tackle as you get older, is that because anxiety etc builds up and essentially becomes harder to tackle? Maybe I should really try and deal with this now before it develops any further.

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Don't get me wrong, Renn, that's only my experience of things and it probably says more about where I went wrong than it does about whether or not it's difficult, so please don't be worried by that. Sorry if I spooked you!

I'll explain, although a word of warning: this will end up being all whiney and full of life story-style crap. I won't be offended if you fall asleep reading it. wink.png

For me, I find that the reason it seems to get more difficult is because it's as though I'm getting left behind now. I'm 26 and I know that, literally at the very moment I'm writing this, there are people maybe 8 years younger than me who are out with their friends and experiencing things I have never experienced. I mean, I don't even have a clue where to start. With each year, that's another age group who are experiencing more and so becoming more experienced all round compared to me. It's like being at the back in a race and then getting lapped by everyone several times over before you've even made it once around the track.

Arrgghh! I just a horrible school sports day-related flashback! lol.gif

As far as friendships in general go, I haven't really had any since I left college and that was 8 years ago. I spent 3 years after that unemployed and pretty much totally off the radar. I think I've blanked that period out to be honest as it's all a blur. I assume I stayed at home most of the time. Then for close to 5 years after that, I was either sat at my desk at work - in an office environment where everyone seemed end up keeping to themselves by default - or I was sat at home alone. I was fired from my job in July so now I'm pretty much back where I was 5 years ago.

I was bullied about my acne in school so after that, I just wanted to avoid people. I was scared of being mocked, judged, left out, whatever. I still am. I've never been able to remove that fear so I'm kind of stuck. I never allowed myself to experience things because of the bullying - I suppose it was a defence mechanism - and I've never quite managed to let the guard down since.

It's hard to break the cycle because it's not much fun attempting to get to know people or make friends when you're on your own. I always feel like people are thinking, 'Who's the weirdo with no mates and why does he look like he wants to come and talk to us'. I've never figured it out and it feels like a waste of time trying to meet people to make new friends in pubs or clubs or whatever.

Where girls are concerned, I haven't got a clue there either. I have no experiences of any kind. Never had a girlfriend or been on a date or anything like that. Hate admitting that, it's embarrassing. Seems pretty lame to be in that position at 26 years of age.

The difference between the fear of friendships and the fear of relationships for me is that with friends, I just don't feel like I fit in general. Whether it's for no particular reason or for loads of random reasons, it's just how I feel.

With girls and the idea of relationships, that's where my insecurities and my acne come into play. Physically, I do not like myself at all. I hate my skin and the way it looks, I hate having acne after all this time and not having control. I hate feeling like I'm ugly. The two occasions when I've actually made some kind of an attempt to speak to a girl, I've literally been laughed at and neither of them held back in telling much how much they hated the look of my skin. I don't suppose I could blame them. That just reinforced the feelings I have of myself so it feels safer to not even bother trying. Again, another defence mechanism.

With friendships, I just think that it would be ever harder to be accepted as more time passes and everyone else becomes more experienced and I get left behind. I suppose that applies to relationships with girls as well. It all just seems like it would be a token gesture which I would fail at because of not knowing what to do. And as far as relationships are concerned, I just wouldn't see that it would be especially fair on a girl to put them under that pressure of being my first, well, everything! I struggle to believe that if I were to admit that to a girl, that they wouldn't laugh at me and move on to a guy who actually had a clue. The worst thing for me there is that I know there's a good guy underneath all this with a lot to offer. I just can't seem to be able to get through all the depressing fog about my skin in order to let that guy shine through. Really brings me down because I know that by not being able to like myself - inside or out - I am robbing myself of happiness all the time.

So, that's me. I can't imagine that these things would apply to you. Aside from that lack of communication with with the opposite sex, but if that kind of happened by default through school then that's not down to anything specifically about you. If you'll excuse me for a moment and I hope I don't sound like a creep in saying this, but from what I've seen, you're attractive - with great skin! - and you've certainly got a sense of humour. You said yourself that you're smart, so that ticks all the boxes. Right? What's not to like? Perhaps, for you, your circumstances mean that you're yet to go over that learning curve, but you're certainly not behind so you've nothing to catch up on, nor do you have any reason to feel "sub-standard". Far from it!

And yes, if you feel like it's something you want to work on and that you want to take steps to build your confidence and have those experiences, take it a step at a time and tackle it at your own pace. Certainly seems like a good time to reward yourself, given the progress you've made so far on Accutane, and I can't think of any better reward than to go out and experience those things and to start working your way over that learning curve. smile.png

My sincerest apologies for this epic whiney post! rolleyes.gif

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I hate to be nosey (oh who am I kidding, sometimes I love it more than breathing), but you have to email him again! Even if it's just to say "Hey, sorry I was a loser and stopped replying to you. I was abducted by aliens who removed the part of my brain containing logical thought functions, and I only just got it back because of my good behaviour. Forgive me?"! Even if he's at a point in his life where he doesn't want to reply (pff, what a dick!), you'll have tried. And I'm not saying this even from a romantic perspective, he sounds like an awesome human being, and since you're also awesome, you should re-add him to your people collection- I mean, friendship base.

And I've gotta say, I'm more than a little intrigued by the Hedgehog-flavoured snacks... Are you talking animal or baked chocolatey slice thing??

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Paul, you made me cry! God, I'm so emotional :lol: But seriously, those girls you mentioned? They sound like complete b*tches. Sound like 90% of the people in my school actually.

Reading how much acne has affected you I can't believe they haven't given you accutane when you requested it, it's ridiculous. I don't understand, you've been through all that mental pain and they just say "no"? Why!? Did they even give a plausible reason for not giving you it?

Oh, and thanks for the compliments :P And I think there's truth in that I'm yet 'to go over that learning curve'. I think I just have a fear of experiences which I haven't yet experienced. If a boy looks at me I automatically think it's in a negative way, never positive. If a boy came up to me and complimented me in person I'd probably projectile vomit in his face from confusion and shock, and I believe that's not considered 'romantic'...

Don't apologise, I'm grateful. You should be a counsellor, you seem to have a knack at cheering people up and opening their eyes-thanks! :)

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And unblvbl (very exotic name :P) i literally don't have any contact with him anymore! I deleted his email and everything, BUT if I'm lucky enough to bump into him I'll be sure to use the alien abduction excuse ;)

Animal, of course! Chocolatey slice? WHAT DO YOU TAKE ME FOR?! :o

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Hehehe why thank you, it took me ages to think of ;)

You deleted his email and everything?! This is not how Disney and romantic comedies tell me how it's supposed to go! Although that plot twist is okay as long as you guys randomly bump into each other in the cleaning products aisle at the local supermarket ("Baby, you swept me clean off my feet" and "Honey, you had me at Brillo" come to mind- production companies feel free to contact me for the full script). Okay?! I except nothing less.

Hahaha what was I thinking?!

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I copied and pasted your name just to make sure I spelt it right!

I know! Disney has made my life feel so crappy. Why didn't a magic carpet come to my rescue when the bus was late and it was pouring down with rain? Why haven't I met a pig and a meerkat who teach me how to live optimistically through song and dance? WHY DON'T I HAVE 7 LITTLE FRIENDS? I WANT GLASS SLIPPERS!!!...ahem. Yes, Disney is not an accurate representation of life.

Great chatup lines for flirting with an OCD sufferer! I also like "are you jamaican? 'Cos ja-maican me crazy" ;)

You are one twisted lady shakes head in disappointment

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Paul, you made me cry! God, I'm so emotional :lol: But seriously, those girls you mentioned? They sound like complete b*tches. Sound like 90% of the people in my school actually.

Awww, sorry! :comfort: But yeah, I guess my life story does tend to bring people to tears. Especially me! :shrug:

I'd always had the insecurities and all that, then my skin made me feel worse. Because of how certain people responded, I just associate every negative response to that. Perhaps not the best way to think but I figured that as long as I had acne - or indeed anything I felt people could make fun of - it was safer not to put myself out there. Only, I've taken that approach for so long that I've lost touch and kind of forgotten how to put myself out there.

I try not to think about it to be honest because otherwise, I just feel inferior to everyone and feeling like everyone's better than me. It's stupid really because it's all relative. It's just because that inferiority complex is massive. It always seems like everyone has things sorted, that they're happy with who they are and have an identity. I was always "the kid with acne" and most of the time that's still how I see myself. I don't know who else to be and it seems so scary trying to strike out and find my way on my own.

I hate feeling like that, it brings me down so much. I've done a few therapy sessions at my doctors practice to start to learn how to change this way of thinking but I get stuck when it comes to actually putting it into action.

I've kind of given up chasing because I only end up comparing and making myself feel worse. Seems easier to keep myself to myself and not fix it, but then the loneliness is the worst bit. It's horrible. I don't know, maybe if I can get enough confidence back to go and get a job, maybe other things will follow and I'd be able to naturally build something new for myself that way.

Reading how much acne has affected you I can't believe they haven't given you accutane when you requested it, it's ridiculous. I don't understand, you've been through all that mental pain and they just say "no"? Why!? Did they even give a plausible reason for not giving you it?

As far as Accutane is concerned, I asked my doctor last month - that's the third time I've asked him and I've asked other GP's there as well - and he said no to referring me because none of the dermatologists in Sheffield would see me because my acne isn't cystic and severe.

I don't understand it all because there are cases here of people who have better skin than me but they got Accutane because the acne was persistent. I've had this since 13 and at 26, wasted half my life. I have nothing to show for that time and I pretty much gave up on life altogether at one point because I just couldn't find the strength to enjoy my life despite my skin. I'm just not secure enough to do it.

My response to it has cost me my friends, my job, my happiness and I ended up seeing a therapist. I can't put any of this stuff right until I fix my skin because I simply can't see beyond that problem. It makes me feel worthless, like I'm wasting a life and it's passing me by, and most of the time I'm not making any kind of contribution to anything at all.

I told the doctor all about this stuff and he wasn't bothered. Made it quite clear that I wouldn't get Accutane. Even if I could somehow manage to find the crazy amount of money I'd need to go private, I'd still need that referral, so I'm stuck either way. I don't think I have any option other than to accept it. Hurts because it feels like even the people who might have been able to help are kicking me down and taking away my one chance, like they didn't even care how I felt. I was just sent on my way with some Doxycycline instead and it's not really working, my skin's crap this week. I hate it. Even if I do feel isolated by it all, at times like this, it just seems better to keep to myself anyway because I don't suppose anyone would really want to be around me when I'm all doom and gloom. I doubt it's especially endearing. Sad thing is, I don't anticipate it changing any time soon because I can't seem to work out how to fix this.

Oh, and thanks for the compliments :P And I think there's truth in that I'm yet 'to go over that learning curve'. I think I just have a fear of experiences which I haven't yet experienced. If a boy looks at me I automatically think it's in a negative way, never positive. If a boy came up to me and complimented me in person I'd probably projectile vomit in his face from confusion and shock, and I believe that's not considered 'romantic'... Don't apologise, I'm grateful. You should be a counsellor, you seem to have a knack at cheering people up and opening their eyes-thanks! :)

Any time. :)

There's a logic to feeling that way, it's natural to wonder if people see the thing you're insecure about in the way that you do. There's an element of paranoia to it, but it's understandable that it would happen. It only takes one person to come along and show an interest in you or to compliment you and you'd see that your perception of your skin and yourself was slightly off. I'm sure you'll get around that sooner or later, no worries. And if you do happen to find a guy who doesn't mind being vomited on, make sure you keep him because he really would be one in a million! ;)

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Haha I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL! I met this person but I feel like I want to be perfect when I see them in person again...like completely clear skin and all that jazz. And I dunno just stopped talking to this person 3 months ago because of it...not being good enough...and wish I hadn't...even though I still have that same hope that we'll meet up by chance again someday.

I started Accutane two weeks ago! My face is becoming somewhat of a KFC original crispy so I should prolly start moisturizing it more often haha

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I'm lucky in a way I guess, in the sense that I'm quite naturally a loner; if wasn't I'd suspect the lonliness would be harder to deal with. However, even loners have limits and sometimes I'll all of a sudden feel very alone and upset which reminds me how much I hate skin issues.

If I was in your position I'd be extremely peed off at the NHS and doctors in general. I wish I knew a way for you to be able to solve this but sadly I don't. Can you not write directly to the medical board or anything? Again, it's probably not as easy as writing to them and everything is solved but you've just got to try every avenue I guess.

I think I am just very harsh on myself but find ease in seeing the good in others, and this works together to make me feel like I'm rubbish compared to everyone else. That's my problem, I compare too much. I'm not happy with myself and always wish I was a clone of other people. I don't understand why because I'm very anti-conformist when it comes to certain things, yet I'm totally for it when it comes to the most important thing of who I actually am. I don't even know who I am because I'm too busy thinking about what I'd rather be to even consider it.

Oh, and the vomit thing-maybe I have the romantic tendencies of a bird? Surely vomiting in front of a birdman would only make him think "Phwoar-she could feed my children for weeks!" I could be the love guru of birdkind.

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Glad to hear I'm not the only one! I was starting to think I was just an obsessive stalker or something. Yeah, I kept putting off meeting with him because I thought "I'll meet him in a few weeks-by then my skin will be better!" but it never got any better, so one thing lead to another and I cut off all contact with him. I even deleted my whole Facebook account so I didn't have to see him chatting to other girls/changing his relationship status (I get so jealous-it's quite frightening really) and just so I didn't have to see him write funny statuses which made me uncontrollably scream "marry me!" at my computer screen. I haven't reactivated my account in about 8 months.

Haha, KFC :lol: Yeah, make sure you moisturise a lot. I think that's why I didn't get an initial breakout because 24/7 I looked like I was covered in whale blubber (Hydromol Ointment looks horrible) Good luck with your course, and I hope we both bump into that special person :P

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I'm lucky in a way I guess, in the sense that I'm quite naturally a loner; if wasn't I'd suspect the lonliness would be harder to deal with. However, even loners have limits and sometimes I'll all of a sudden feel very alone and upset which reminds me how much I hate skin issues. If I was in your position I'd be extremely peed off at the NHS and doctors in general. I wish I knew a way for you to be able to solve this but sadly I don't. Can you not write directly to the medical board or anything? Again, it's probably not as easy as writing to them and everything is solved but you've just got to try every avenue I guess. I think I am just very harsh on myself but find ease in seeing the good in others, and this works together to make me feel like I'm rubbish compared to everyone else. That's my problem, I compare too much. I'm not happy with myself and always wish I was a clone of other people.

I suppose I could try and follow up on it and and see if someone will at least listen to me. I think the best thing I can do for now is see this course of Doxy through. Then, if it didn't work out and my acne stayed as it is or just went back to being like it was before, I would then have ticked off all the meds that were available, aside from Accutane.

I'm going to give a Beta Carotene supplement a try and also get back into the old list of supplements I used to take because they helped a lot. Combined with the Doxy, they might kick the acne's arse once and for all.

Beta Carotene is Vitamin A, which of course is essentially what Accutane is. So if I can work out an equivalent dosage, that could be my workaround. Might as well give it a go, nothing to lose! :)

You know, I do wonder if they're probably doing me a favour because I'm really not sure how well I'd cope on Accutane and the breakouts/side effects it could potentially trigger. I mean, I struggle to cope as it is. That's my biggest problem and I really want to learn how to fix it; the fact that I have allowed acne to stop me from living my life and enjoying it. I have denied myself every single opportunity to make friends, enjoy things, grow, progress in education or employment... everything! I blamed the acne for a long while and figured that I would become the person I wanted to be once the acne cleared.Ironically, what freaked me out and caused everything to go wrong this year was a two month period when my skin just happened to be almost clear. That was when I realised that although acne wasn't an issue at that point, the anxieties, insecurities, lack of confidence and self esteem were still imprisoning me. But, it did at least show me I have other things to work on and that they won't fix themselves. At least I'm now trying to fix those things.

The funny things is, with what you were saying about comparing, there's every chance that a lot of the people we pit ourselves against and put ourselves down in comparison aren't even worth comparing to. We all talk about how people look and whether we think they're beautiful on the outside, but we never seem to consider that they might actually be ugly on the inside. To me, that is ultimately more important. I'd rather have bad skin and be a nice person/good friend/loyal and supportive partner, than have great skin but turn out to be a horrible person/fickle friend/disloyal and selfish partner. :)

Sounds like that guy - or rather your inability not to make a move - really got to you, Renn. That's a shame. It's certainly a shame when we feel things are dependent on our skin. Feeling as though you'll be able to pick things up again once your skin improves can be a depressing way to approach things because, in the meantime, you're just sat around feeling sorry for yourself and cutting yourself off. The longer it takes for your skin to clear, the more time you're spent cut off. The more time you spend cut off, the harder it can be to get back into the swing of things. That's the trap I fell into and after 13 years, I've dug myself a pretty big hole.

Not all bad though, it'll pass one day. And for you, having reached the half way part on Accutane, hopefully you're half way towards clearing your skin and then that barrier will be removed. I certainly hope it works out that way for you. :)

Can't believe you've been able to go without Facebook for 8 months. Everyone knows that unless something is documented on Facebook and you brag about it for the whole world to see, it never actually happened. You don't exists unless you're sharing anything and everything in the form of a status update on Facebook! ;)

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I had tried literally every antibiotic and all the creams and stuff before I got referred. Also, one of the reasons I was referred was because my brother had severe acne too and was treated by the same doctor (he was offered accutane but was too depressed to take it due to severe bullying at school) so the doc knew it wasn’t simply a hormonal thing. Another contributing reason for me getting referred is that I somehow managed to get a staph infection in my skin, which resulted in little pus-filled spots all over my face (not a pretty picture, I know) and if it managed to get into my bloodstream it could have apparently been fatal as it is essentially MRSA. I went to my derm, showed her the list of things I’ve taken (cue long list of paper) and some pictures of when my skin was all infected seeing as it had died out by the time my appointment actually came around (had to wait months!) She asked me if I had any idea of what I wanted to take and I just shyly said “well, I’ve heard of accutane being good but I don’t think you’ll give me that because my acne isn’t bad enough...” I was shocked when she replied “Well you’ve tried everything else-let’s give that a go!” My derm is a professor, not a doctor, so I think she has a lot more experience with accutane and is more confident in giving it out.

The only thing with the Beta Carotene supplement is that you’ll have to be really careful if you treat it like an accutane replacement. With accutane you need blood tests every 6 weeks to make sure your liver is coping, but obviously self-medicating it you won’t be able to do it, so you’ll have to be, well, extra careful?

“A two month period when my skin just happened to be almost clear. That was when I realised that although acne wasn't an issue at that point, the anxieties, insecurities, lack of confidence and self esteem were still imprisoning me.” I can relate to this. I had weeks where my skin was pretty good (not clear or anything, just not as bad as it usually was) yet I still wouldn’t leave the house. In the 6 weeks summer holidays I left my house to meet friends three times, and I think I lost my marbles a bit because I found it so hard to socialise when I had to go back to school. It was like I had forgotten how to talk. I think I’m known as ‘the girl with no personality’ because I’m that shy now. However, on the bright side, I am coming out of my shell a bit now. I think just knowing I’m on something which is working and the fact that I can see a light at the end of the tunnel is just pushing me to do something about my confidence. However, if my confidence stops increasing I’d quite happily go see a counsellor or someone to help me regain it.

I know that most of the people I look at and think “wow, I’d love to look like she does” are horrible people inside. I hear them bitching about people all the time. They don’t seem happy unless they’re causing pain to others. My mam (yes, I say mam, not mum, am I common? lol.gif) always tells me that personality is important too, not just appearances, but I think that might be my age. When I do speak to/hear boys they’re usually my own age, and they’re only talking about one thing, and most are very shallow (not all, but the majority) I know personality is a lifetime thing while appearances change all of the time, but I still see appearances (in terms of myself, not others) as more important.

It got to me a lot as it was my first experience of a crush, so I think I’m always going to remember it. I’m thinking about it a lot recently because it’s not long till I go to University and there will be boys- actual boys! I feel like they speak a totally different language to me. Last time I sat and talked to a reasonably nice guy I almost broke his hand (I wish I could write ‘joke’ but no, this actually happened) Have you ever watched Miranda? That’s me. I always get so nervous that I do something embarrassing and mess up.

I used to be obsessed with Facebook too! Don’t know how I plucked up the courage to delete it. I updated my status constantly. When I first deleted it I felt an emptiness about life and had to read aloud statements in status-form, like saying “just finished my dinner lol” after eating (ok, this time I can say ‘joke’, but yes, obsessive attraction makes you to crazy things.

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Thank you for the tip about Beta Carotene. It had crossed my mind. I'll be careful. I figure if I stick with the recommended dosage, should be alright. I certainly wouldn't want to push things, I think it's important to do these things gradually and listen to your body along the way.

Your Mam's right. That's not common by the way. Indeed, that's how the good folk of Yorkshire speak! They're always right aren't they, and they know it which is really annoying. I think there's a secret instruction book for it or something. I've no idea where they learn this stuff otherwise. Can't be experience because, I don't care what she says, my Mum was never, "young once"! lol.gif

The Miranda reference made me laugh. I guess you'll have made an impression on almost-broken-hand-guy. Better than making no impression at all I suppose, and as long as there were no actual broken bones, I'm thinking that's a pretty interesting way to get someone's attention!

Boys aren't too complicated at all really, we're the simplest of simple creatures. What you see is what you get because we're not usually smart enough to be multidimensional and breath at the same time.

I'm sure everyone has nervous and awkward moments at some point. At least you're willing to try. smile.png

What are planning on studying at Uni? Are you moving away or staying at home? I missed the whole Uni thing, signed on when I left college with next to no idea of what I wanted to do, then just ended up working random jobs to pay my way. Sucks being out of work at the moment but I figure that it at least allows me to start fresh and I can have a think about what I'd actually like to do long term. Then I'll also be able to start saving towards leaving home and then I can learn to order takeaway every night and buy new clothes every week instead of figuring out the washing machine fend for myself... :D

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I feel so posh saying 'mum'. I feel posh saying 'mam' actually, I usually just cut off the consonant and shout 'MA!' I hate it when you're looking for something, ask your mam and she says "I bet I can find it in 3 seconds!" and she does gasp.gif Black magic.

I was just trying to show him a magic trick which I hadn't yet practiced sad.png 'Interesting' is one way of putting it...I just dread to think what I'd have done if I really like him. Gone for the jugular? Ripped out his intestines and used them as a trendy scarf? Snap off his feet and use them as doorstops? I'll stop now because I'm making myself nauseous.

lol.gif well hopefully I'll grow out of this or I'll end up being a psychotic man-manslaughterist on CrimeWatch. At least they can get Miranda in to play my part in the reconstruction.

Either Psychology (oh the irony) Criminology or English Language (not that I enjoy that much but I get the highest grades in it out of all my subjects) I'll definitely be staying local, Newcastle or even Sunderland. I'll be in £25,500 debt to begin with so don't wanna add to it by moving away :/ Plus I don't really want to move, I like where I live. I didn't really want to go to Uni, I wanted to go straight into the Police but with all of the cuts and stuff it would be pointless, I'd never get a job. I never want to leave home! The world is scary (coming from the girl who just said she wanted to be in the police)

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