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I'm Not Real!

PaulH85

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I'm going to get the acne-related stuff out of the way first, simply because there's not much to say and I'd rather focus on other things instead. New approach! All I've really got to complain about is the red mark on my right cheek. That's the pimple which came back for round two and I went crazy on it. It's not active now, just a red mark. I decided to put a bit of Manuka honey and Tea Tree oil on it to reduce the redness. I always find that works well. Plus I smell like honey now which is rather nice!

After last weeks wobble and a big emo breakdown about it at the weekend, I feel better about my skin now. I just wish I was stronger and didn't have a meltdown each time it decides to kick off. I read a post on one of the boards earlier from someone who said that the biggest step forward they took towards learning how to cope with the emotional effects of their acne was when they realised that they didn't have to care about it; they didn't have to put themselves down about it; they didn't have to care what others thought or said; they didn't have to let those people and their words/thoughts matter.

I've spent thirteen years holding myself back, fearing putting myself out there and not feeling worthy of anyone or of enjoying things. When I take the acne away and there are no excuses and nothing to hide behind, I'm looking at myself and thinking, 'How the hell did I let things get to this point?!' Still, at least I'm now willing to face up to it, address it and at least attempt to turn things around.

I guess there's probably a point in life where you finally feel comfortable and where you grow into who you really are. I've never even tried because I just accepted that I was what others said I was, even though what they said was horrible. Perhaps it's time to see if I can find out who I want to be and learn to be happy and comfortable.:)

Anyway, that's about it really, not much else going on. Also means there's not much for me to stare at when I catch myself in front of the mirror. Believe me, that frees up a lot of my time! Although, I have noticed that I could do with having a shave. I hate shaving and it's been a couple of weeks. If I could grow a decent beard, I'd do that and it wouldn't be an issue. But, truth be told, I don't think I'm especially manly because I can't grow a beard at all. It grows unevenly and is pretty thin, and it goes ginger. My Mum told me I look like a scruffy tramp. I don't suppose I need to wonder why my confidence gets knocked a lot, my Mum's never too far away to tell me that there's something about me she doesn't like. Charming! :rolleyes:

I've spent the last few days cooking for myself at my sisters place and love having the run of a kitchen. Even if I say so myself, I am an awesome cook. I'm modest, too! Cooking for one is kind of crap though and I'm shocking at portion control so always do way too much, but all the same, I'm happy in the kitchen. I made the second best cheese steak sandwich ever for lunch today. Almost from scratch, although it never occurred to me that I could have baked my own bread. I'm not bothered what anyone says, baking is awesome and you can't beat fresh bread.

It was the second best cheese steak sandwich, only because nothing here will beat the one I had in Florida about eleven years ago. That thing was big enough to house a whole cow. It was epic. I've had dreams about that sandwich. I'll go to Philly one day and see if they can top it. I'm sure they can, they pretty much invented it after all.

I called my Mum earlier and asked what she was cooking for dinner. She said she was planning on doing steak and chips. Steak twice in one day? Go on then! :D

Aside from pottering around in the kitchen and taking care of Arnie the kitten, I haven't done much this week. Nothing much planned for the weekend either which is kind of lame, but it is what it is. I seem to get kind of down at the weekends because it feels like everyone everywhere is out and about with their mates and I don't really have anyone to go anywhere with. That sucks. Guess I need to try and figure out what to do about that.

I usually partake in a bit of online retail therapy to cheer myself up but I've no money at all so that one's pretty much a non-starter. Paul needs to find himself a job some time soon! Paul's evidently decided to give writing in third person a go! The one thing I usually avoid buying is clothes. I'm rubbish at that. Plus nothing ever fits me properly because I'm way too skinny. Everything's super baggy by default. If I wear skinny-fit jeans, I disappear when I turn sideways! It's a fantastic trick for parties. "Holy shit! Where'd Paul go?!" My wardrobe consists of hoodies and band T-shirts I buy at gigs. Most people go to the mall to shop. I go to music venues and arenas and stadiums! Time to buy some new hoodies for winter I think, time to put the summer hoodies away until next year... ;)

Speaking of gigs, I'm going to see Alice Cooper next week. Given that my days are empty at the moment, I'm free to spend the day stalking the stage door in the hope of meeting the great man himself. Guitarist, Orianthi is currently playing in Alice's band and I'm hoping to meet her, too. I'm sure everyone will have seen her performing with Michael Jackson during the rehearsal footage for his 'This Is It' concerts. I had tickets for one of those shows but obviously, they didn't happen. She's a brilliant guitarist so I'm glad to have another chance to see her play.

In other random news, I downloaded a few demos for some new PS3 games earlier and I've struggled to play them. That in itself isn't especially newsworthy, but the fact that I couldn't really get into the games worried me and has me wondering why...I think I may be getting older. Not old! Just older. Is it possible to be too old for, or grow out of video games? There's a scary thought! I'm going to have to find something youthful and crazy to do in order to dispel these thoughts...

One more piece of random news before I go...

My sister was telling me of not one, but two of her male friends who have been on dates this week with girls they met on a dating site. I've used a free one before, for a little while, although I didn't put much effort in and kind of got bored. It seemed like a big deal at the time, although it appears that everyone's doing it these days. Oh, if everyone's doing it, that's alright then! Truth be told, I hadn't been overly keen to go back and update the profile with pictures and all, as I didn't really feel I had any which showed my skin in a decent condition. I didn't want to end up giving the wrong impression as far as that was concerned, winding up with a massive breakout before a date and ending up being seen as some kind of monster. But, I've been able to get a few decent pictures lately and I feel they're representative of how my skin now looks and should look going forward, give or take, so I don't think anyone would be in for any nasty surprises.

So anyway, I figured I could give it a proper go and see what happens. Never know who I might bump into, might find people with similar interests and things. Or it could just be loads of people trolling. We'll see... I haven't put much effort into searching the site as yet - too busy on the Org aren't I! - but I did receive a message from someone this morning. Nothing to get excited about though. The girl in question read my profile and has apparently decided that I am not real. I've no idea what that means, but that's what she said: "I've just read your profile and I don't think there's any way you could be a real person!" Erm... okaaaay... So there you have it. I'm not real, this blog isn't real, and amount of time you have spent reading this drivel wasn't real either. That's a bonus I suppose, given that it would be several minutes you could never get back! :P



4 Comments


Ok, so I was reading your blog and I got to the steak and cheese sandwich part and then I lost focus. mmmmm steak and cheese sandwich....... See? Keep getting distracted.

Maybe she said you weren't real because you were the only person who had a profile written articulately with correct grammar and spelling? Yup.

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Ok, so I was reading your blog and I got to the steak and cheese sandwich part and then I lost focus. mmmmm steak and cheese sandwich....... See? Keep getting distracted. Maybe she said you weren't real because you were the only person who had a profile written articulately with correct grammar and spelling? Yup.

I was thinking that too... About the steak and cheese sandwich, and the girl. A message like that would normally have the subscript "...because you're too good to be true" or something. And that's quite impressive getting contacted by a girl straight away! I mean I'm no dating expert, but I'd imagine normally it'd be the guys that do the chasing, no? I have no idea. Social norms in this kind of thing are not my forte.

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Social norms in this kind of thing are not my forte.

Not to worry - social norms of any kind aren't my forte! :lol: I guess you could both be right about that girl. I'd probably write back if her profile was more than just one line and gave me something to actually message her about. Not to worry though, plenty more profiles in the search engine!

For the moment, I need to stay away from there, and here, and pretty much every single site on the net which tries to suck me in with its countless ways to waste time. Instead, I need to be filling out job applications. I wish they were on paper instead of online, then I could avoid the laptop. Instead, I think I need some kind of filter on my laptop which blocks every site and page unless it requires you to enter details about previous employment and qualifications... ;)

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good idea Paul:) its so easy to waste time and find excuses, getout there in the real world and keep it real :D

no really!!

hehe we are only allowed to waste time on this site cause its theraputic and well u dont get much more real than we are here he?

:)

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